Today I am very confused with a lot of mixed feelings.
Saturday morning W told me all about her vacation plans. She rented a house by the lake and will go there with 2 of our 4 dogs. Different members of her family will be visiting on and off. Like I expected she asked me to come over in the middle of the week to swap the dogs around. What did surprise me was that she asked me to take a next day off and stay overnight. Oh boy…
Saturday morning I was almost going to leave by myself to enjoy the day until she suddenly decided to asked me if I wanted to hang out by the shore. It was a pleasant surprise because we have not done that for a long time. Sitting around in a outdoor restaurant was awkward. I could not figure out what to talk about. She finally brought up the house and the dog issue asking me what am I going to decide about that. I was trying to dodge the issue again, but she got agitated and said that she cannot live in this limbo. So I said that I need a month. This puts the deadline just after her vacation.
I got very upset by this topic but held together and got over it pretty quickly.
What happened next was just unbelievable. She was suddenly all happy and bubbly. She asked to relocate to one of our favorite places at the shore and we left promptly. She could not stop talking on our way. We had late lunch at the other place and really enjoyed the day. She opened up and told me everything about her mysterious health problems and what she has been doing in the past few months. It was unreal. She just wanted to catch up and fill in the entire time she was not home or talking to me about anything. I felt like the times everything was OK.
Suddenly she said that we should go home, take a nap and go out later. Wow, we have not “gone out” for a year.
Nap was good, but when we woke up at the couch it was already a little late. She apologized profusely for not feeling to go out that late. I said that I’ll take a rain check. It was the thought that really touched me anyways.
Sunday was even more unbelievable. She decided to invite 2 of my best friends over for a whole day barbeque. She did everything. She set up the deck, cooked, cleaned and served us drinks. I felt bad for not doing anything to help. I asked but she smiled and told me to enjoy myself and my friends. We had a blast. She really enjoyed the day too. I felt like I had woken from the nightmare and got my life back.
But I know it is too good to be true. What really is killing me inside is that fact that all of this niceness started after I gave her the deadline for our talk about the separation. It is so weird that the thought that I may finally leave her made her so happy that she acts like the issue is entirely gone.
I am just so confused. Is she really happy that I may be leaving? Is she really waiting for me to draft up the separation plan within a month?
Or is there still something to save? 6 years ago when I signed over the house and was about to pack my bags she asked me to stay. Maybe it’s the fact that I promised her to face the ultimate problem which we’ve never really talk about, that makes her happy. Maybe she wants to sit down and talk and not necessarily about separation. Is it possible?
I would love to tell her that I don’t want this relationship any more either. But I would like to start a new one. No strings, no expectations, no deadlines, no pressure. Just forget the past and start over. Enjoy each other just like we did this weekend. Take it easy and see where it goes.
Is it possible that she may allow this to happen?
I am so lost right now.
I saw my loving W this weekend that I did not think existed any more. And she knows she made me feel happy. Can women really be so cruel and please a man they want to get rid of like that?
