Stitching together a new quilt

[dday101798]

the importance of being able to forgive, before you begin piecing.

Key, very very key.

That said, you're off to a good start then. There will be backslides now and then, much like the little episode I've been having lately shutting that little voice up in head. Unfortunately I got a loose tonge over the weekend and that inner voice became an outter voice. But, now that we have that understanding of each other, she understands, yes, some comments were uncalled for, but have been on the back of my mind. Point is, it's like every other step along the way in this whole thing, you get better in time and the frequency will get less and less.

I also believe I mentioned the same thing "12" hit on with the book, not only do you want to eliminate words like "always" and "never" from your thought pattern, you to eliminate it from your vocabulary with your H. Especially during the time when your trying to get your point across about something with him.

[FindingMyVoice]

the importance of being able to forgive, before you begin piecing.

Key, very very key.

Yes, I think folks often talk about it like it can be a task on a things-to-do list - like somehow you just decide you're going to forgive and then do it. But I just don't get that. I'm sure it's different with everyone and that some folks can do this. But with me, it was different. When I wasn't ready to, there was nothing on Gods green earth that was going to make me be able to. That element of compassion was missing still at that point - that's why I couldn't forgive. But after all those discussions (aka scraps! - some of them anyways!) on our holidays, and I could finally start understanding that even his actions and words that I found most hurtful and antagonistic, were actually expressions of his hurt and pain - that's what tipped the scale for me. I didn't want either of us to be hurting that badly any more.

That said, you're off to a good start then.

Thanks again dday, it really helps to hear encouragement like that.

But, now that we have that understanding of each other, she understands, yes, some comments were uncalled for, but have been on the back of my mind. Point is, it's like every other step along the way in this whole thing, you get better in time and the frequency will get less and less.

Yes I can SO relate to how tough it is to get those 'back-of-the-mind' thoughts out in a good way!! I remember talking with my IC about it and she had some excellent input. She said that when emotions are high, sometimes things just don't come out the way we want them to. It's inevitable because we're human. Granted we always want to strive to be self-aware speak what we need to respectfully, but you know, we're just not perfect beings so we need to treat our own mistakes with as much compassion and understanding as we do others.

...not only do you want to eliminate words like "always" and "never" from your thought pattern, you to eliminate it from your vocabulary with your H. Especially during the time when your trying to get your point across about something with him.

Oh and I'm sorry - I forgot that you had mentioned that before too! That for me, will be a tall order. I read a good part of that book this weekend and was amazed by how much of it was what I was doing. A pessimist to the core! So I've got something else to begin working on! It's kind of like the house isn't it... there's really never an end to projects that need some care! Anyways thanks again for your insights, dday - have a great day!

[FindingMyVoice]

Just a journal of a couple things. Starting weight training (again) tomorrow morning. Reading Learned Optimism was eerie. My score was dismal on all fronts. Don't quite know what to think about that. Feel kind of foolish - like I missed the boat on that somewhere but I don't know where and when. I feel kind of left behind in an odd way. Like I'm missing out - and have missed out - on a lot of wonderful things. And even worse, for some god-unknown reason it made me think about the neglect I went through as a kid and ended up crying and angry. I'm so darned mad I turned out like this; I'm so darned mad I caused the problems I have in my M because of the way I am.

Anyways; that's the icky part. The good part is that I figured out that silence is a much better defense, than constant explaining and justifying is when H's questioning my feelings and beliefs. If I say nothing, he has nothing to argue with. Hah. Can I still 'find my voice' if I'm silent?

[TimeHeals]

I'm so darned mad I caused the problems I have in my M because of the way I am.

Ehhh, well... whatcha gonna do? That was then, and this is now Can't live in the past, and you'll just be miserable if you try.

[FindingMyVoice]

Thanks Time, yes I know, you're right.

[FindingMyVoice]

So I'm reading another book. I realized I needed to better manage how reactive I get when we have a setback; I feared having that extreme rush of fear again - it's like this overwhelming, reason-numbing blur in which the only thing I seem to want to do is run away. This just can't happen any more; it's exhausting, frightening, and I'm actually a little worried one of these days I'm going to end up in my car and heading for god-knows-where. Even one of my friends commented that she noticed it. She said (paraphrasing) 'He's finally starting to reach out to you, and now you're the one trying to distance?'. The Learned Optimism book I think had shed some good light on this for me - the part about how pessimists may even give up when they succeed, perceiving the success was a fluke. That, and the part on catastrophizing - my IC tells me I do that a lot were very enlightening.

So anyways I've got another I brought home from the library a few weeks ago that, upon skimming through, seems to have some interesting ideas about managing that fight-or-flight instinct in a crisis or conflict, and help yourself de-escalate your emotions so that you can start thinking, communicating and listening again. (one of the chapters is called "Move yourself from Oh f#@& to OK"... so I figured it had my name 'written all over it'.) It's called 'Just Listen' by Mark Goulston. Will let anyone know if it was a good read when I'm done, if they're interested.

[FindingMyVoice]

Journal. Feeling more positive today. Day 3 of new exercise plan. As I've learned in 'learned optimism' I'm choosing to believe this is going to make a difference, even though it doesn't feel natural to believe so yet; my old tendency was to think - what's the point, I'll try but it's not likely to make a difference anyways. The new book is off to a good start. Talks about how those fight or flight responses is being engaged from a completely different part of the brain than those we use for reason and emotional capacity - the author terms it as an 'amygdala hijack'; once it's started, logical thought becomes almost impossible. You have to trigger another part of your brain before you are able to think with reason and empathy again. 'Willing' yourself to just stop doesn't work. Interesting so far.

[TimeHeals]

Day 3 of new exercise plan.

On day 90, make sure to evaluate progress Congrads on day 3, BTW

I keep a calendar where I put down what I do everyday (45 minutes walking, 15 minutes light weights, 5 minutes flexibility, and so on).

Once a week I take the total time of everything and plot a point on a graph I set up on graph paper, and thus I can see graphically how I am either working harder or slacking.

Seems to help me.

[FindingMyVoice]

Once a week I take the total time of everything and plot a point on a graph I set up on graph paper, and thus I can see graphically how I am either working harder or slacking.

You math-genius-types and your graphs. Now what's an artsy-fartsy like me supposed to do with that?! (I have been marking it on a calendar though - it's good to see the progress)

Thanks for the encouragement.

[TimeHeals]

You math-genius-types and your graphs. Now what's an artsy-fartsy like me supposed to do with that?! (I have been marking it on a calendar though - it's good to see the progress)

Graphs are art sorta.

Every 10 minutes of excercise = 1 square on graph paper. Add up minutes every week, divide by 10, plot point. Connect the dots

Want it fancier? Add up minutes of each activity as well, do the same with a different colored dot/line. Now you have graphs of each activity in different colors

Or use Excel to do the same thing