Long Distance Issues.....Possible WAW

[Dazed&Confused]

I understand this, I really do. To this point, I have not let my emotions dictate my actions. My wife and I have been nothing but cordial when we talk. I think that is one of my problems. I feel like she may think that I am burying my head in the sand,hoping it will all go away. I know that I can't mind read, even to myself, I don't feel like I am trying to fight for her. She stopped saying I love you and doesn't where her wedding ring any longer. I don't pursue, and have stopped saying I love you as well. It just feel like there is nothing left.

What I don't understand is what my next move is? With things being so "nice" between us, my only option is to move forward with the divorce, and that is hard for me. I can't help be feel like I am giving up. What I meant by sacrifce as far as my M goes is giving up my wants and wishes. By doing nothing and proceeding with the divorce, it feels like I am sacrificing my wants of working on my marriage so that we can an amicable divorce. I do not want to play the martyr, but by doing nothing other than the necessary paperwork for divorce, it feels like it. I am sorry I am not making a lot of sense. It's not exactly crystal clear in my mind either.

How is your GAL going?

I guess it really depends on your definition. I work 12hrs a day and am on a small military base. There is not a lot to do. I do go the gym every other day. I love reading and is something I never had time to do back home. So I am doing a lot of that. I brought my facebook account back to life, and that has allowed me to get reacquainted with some old friends. That has helped my mood out a lot. Other than that not much. I do not have a lot of time left in the day to fill to be honest. It's kind of hard, but I am managing.

You have a regular fitness routine and nutrition program?

I have been running on the treadmill and eliptical machine a lot. It helped me sleep for a while, but it is not having the same effect as it used to.

You sleeping well?

Not really.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Well, I talk to my son as often as I can. That helps a lot. Like I said, I really enjoy reading, and have been doing that to take my mind off of things. I have been talking to family, and they have been supportive. I'm exercising, and eating right which something I let slip for a little while. I am really trying to do positve things for me. It makes me feel better for a little while, but it never lasts.

Then when my wife emails me and is all nice, and we chit chat back and forth like nothing is wrong, I almost forget. Then it hits me and I get mad at myself for falling victim to it. I mean she is getting a box together of stuff I need to send out to me. This is the same woman who told me she was done and wants a divorce ASAP. It just doesn't make any sense to me in my head. I almost wish she was mean and vindictive so it would feel more right to me.

I appreciate the post TH, I really do. Learning the lesson of "you are only in control of yourself" is going to be hard, but I do appreciate the reminder. I have been trying. I have not let my emotions get the best of me. To be honest, I haven't lost my cool or yelled once. I did have to kill one of our Skype sessions so I could regain myself, and blamed it on the internet connection. I am actually proud of how I have held my emotions in check while dealing with the W.

It's my emotions when I am by myself that I am not proud of. I have a good day or two and think that I am making progress, and then rock bottom comes flying out of nowhere. I am trying though. And I know that I cannot wish this divorce away. If she wants it, it will be done. I guess its up to me on how that process will go.

And Puppy, I will re-read it over and over again. I have already added it to my divorce101 document of helpful reading.