Detaching is a process that takes time, and lord knows I'm not always there either. Read the resources, GAL, work on your own self esteem and sense of self worth. Read what you can about internal validation, detachement, self esteem, mutuality, unconditional love .... I really like the live strong site.
And ... the hard part. Make the choice. Don't be a victim of someone elses behaviour. You can make choices. If you haven't read Laura Munson's book yet I highly recommend it.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Time and committment is the answer IMO. Often we feel like we detach but then get pulled back in. It could be a simple look from our spouses. It could be an event..say birthday party..it could be our own "emotions" getting a hold of us.
For the record, it still happens to me. So what is one to do? You pick yourself and keep moving. You keep working on it.
I think I have finally realized that it will "just happen" - it really will. This ladies...it the "process".
Personally, I think we all need to feel that feeling of not being so detached. It keeps us human.
Remember, detaching does not mean that you no longer love the person. No...you can love someone and NOT agree with there actions.
So be gentle on yourself. Take it slow. Now as you know I am prone to say...get up, put on the big girl panties and keep going.
God Bless you both and have a great weekend.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I just want to STOP thinking about all the stuff that I want to have happen with our Marriage. Man, if I could just do that ONE thing, I'd be so much better off. The problem for me is that this whole R thing has left our marriage so unsettled, and because my M is such an important part of my life, it's affecting every other part of my life. I just feel that if I could feel better about what's happening with my M, the other parts would naturally fall into place. But I don't know how to do it..and the fear..the fear is eating me alive. I never knew how afraid I was..and when I really think about it..I have been for as long as I can remember. It's what's driving all of my behavior..good and bad..mostly the bad.
That is the question my C keeps asking me....what is it that you are afraid of??
I, too, have fear eating away at me. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is.
Is it the fear of being alone? I don't think so....I enjoy having time to myself.
I think it boils down to loneliness. The difference of being alone and being lonely.
There is that empty 'feeling'....the feeling of not being complete...if that makes any sense.
I know we are suppose to move on and gal, but a lot of days I just want that part of me that is missing back!......maybe that is the fear.....the fear that no matter what we do, we may never get back our missing piece??!!
I just don't know.
((((Itay)))
M55 H55 my D31 H D30 1st met her when she was 25 M 22yrs...2nd for me, 1st for H OW 2005 mother of H daughter, came back to introduce D 1bomb 6/05 2bomb 7/08 3bomb 2/10 moved up north
I have always had my own sense of self and have been strong and self reliant, but I think even in the best of cases, over the long haul, we become somewhat dependent on our identity as "the spouse of . . . . ."
Even if we are the one who wants the divorce, you still have some intertwined identity issues to work out. I know I do.
For me..I think the fear is living the rest of my life without my H in it. If that makes any sense. I know I would be ok on my own, could find someone else, find things to do with my time when I am alone, etc. But, the fear for me is that we will both go our own ways and I will always be missing him, thinking about what he's doing, remembering the hopes and dreams we had.
I don't feel like I'm "the spouse of..." I know I have my own identity. It's just that I built this dream, this life we would have together..in my own mind...and I want that. I always felt that we could get thru anything together, could be so happy as we grew old together..the key word being "together".
Anyway, I have a question for all of you. I told you guys that we went to see the new MC a week ago. He was awesome. We both really liked him. When we left, the MC told us not to talk about our session for two days..just to digest all that we talked about. Well, you know how that goes, we talked about it a little, but not as much as we would have if he hadn't told us not to. The new MC also told us that when we talked about the session on Wednesday, to then decide if we wanted to make another appt and come back. I asked him about his schedule and the possibility of getting on a regular rotating weekly appt schedule. He said he didn't see a problem with that. Well, my H and I talked on Wed. and decided to go back, so I called and talked to his secretary and told her that we wanted to get on a weekly schedule. I asked about Mondays at 6:00 pm..she said she'd have to talk to the MC and get back to me on that. She left me a msg on Saturday and told me that the MC said to wait until the 18th when our next appt is and that he would talk to us about the weekly schedule then. My question is this: do you think that the MC said that because he doesn't think there is any hope of us working this out and that there is no reason to plan for a weekly schedule at this time? Or am I looking too deeply into it? The guys is VERY VERY busy..so maybe he wanted to get a feel for how much help we were going to need before we talked about future dates..my thinking was that it would be better to set aside the dates as far in advance as possible so we could get a time..since he's got so many people wanting to get into see him. But maybe he saw something when we were there and just doesn't think we have a chance to make it work between us. I don't know why I think that. It just seems weird to me that the MC wouldn't be more open to me setting aside future dates when he knows that his schedule is so full, unless there is some other reason. He is a pretty smart guy..has a PHD in Psychology and is a speaker and trainer for other psychologists. Teaches at the local college.
And sorry..one other question..I set up 3 dates to see him this month (these are not a weekly-type time slot, just random openings he had)..my H just told me he will be out of town for one of them..do you think I should ask him if I could go alone to that one..or would that seem like I was trying to bias the overall tone? There are some questions that I'd like to ask privately..things I can do to help move things forward, things not to do, midlife crisis questions, etc.
GG..I know exactly what you are saying..it's the "missing" piece that makes me afraid too. Afraid I may never find that again, afraid that we will stupidly do something to destroy that special and unique togetherness we shared, afraid to think about coming home to an empty house every single day for the rest of my life, afraid that I may have to live like my many friends who don't have a significant other in their lives, afraid of who I will become if I don't have my other half, afraid of abandonment, afraid of having to start over. Fear is so all-consuming. I asked my H if he had to choose fear or resentment, which would he choose..he said "either, I have lived with both my whole life". That's sad. I have not always lived with fear. And I certainly dont have much in the way of resentment. I'm still trying to find info on resentment. I guess that's a topic for the MC.
Your MC isn't going to tell you if he thinks your M can be saved after just one session with you.
I'm inclined to believe it's because he would like to see you some more before he makes up his mind how often he feels he needs to see you.
Look at the other side. Maybe he feels he won't have to see you as often as once a week because he has an inkling that it won't take that much to get your M back on track.
As far as your second question. Do you know if this MC is well versed in MLC?
All you can do is ask the MC. He'll let you know if he doesn't think it's a good idea to see you alone. Do you think your H would have a problem with it and worry that you'd have a 'one up' with the MC if you saw him solo?
Seeking..I am worried about my H having a problem with me seeing the MC alone, too. I don't want to do anything stupid to jeopardize the sessions because I want to be able to continue to go to this guy. My H and I were seeing another guy and he and I went separately and also together (twice) and it didn't work out to continue to see him..one of the reasons being that my H felt he was biased in my favor because of the things I told him in our private sessions. I guess I'll ask the new MC if he was wanting to see us separately at all and that my H would not be able to make the appt on the 25 and if he did want to see us separately, that would be a good one for me to attend. Keep it all up front and honest.
I agree with you that it would be too early for the new MC to decide on the frequency of meeting times based on one session..especially since the MC did most of the talking at that 2 hour session and we never really got into much of the reason why we were there..nothing was mentioned about the A at that time, even tho I did refer to "a year ago" and "since last Nov" when I answered his questions. The MC said at the end, that he intentionally didn't ask what happened a year ago or in Nov. and that we would talk about that if we decided to return. I'm pretty sure he has a good idea of what happened, just based on the answers we gave, even tho it wasn't specifically stated that my H had had an A.
I'd actually like to see the guy twice a week..I'm kinda kidding and then again..kinda not. He's pretty smart and really gives you lots to think about. As a matter of fact, I'd like to tape the sessions or at least take notes cuz I can't remember all the stuff he says later..and I want to!
