Ok, broke a whole bunch of DR/DB "rules" but followed the most important one; if something isn't working, try something else.
I had ignored two voicemails from W in the day while she was at work. Then I took my Ds over for sprinkler fun and grilling at my sister's house. W kept calling, getting more panicked. I should have answered her, after an email and a 3rd voicemail, I called her at work. She was in a panic over what might have happened to me and the girls, she had left work, and went home.
So after dinner was done, we headed home, and the W and I put the girls to bed, then went outside to talk. I started it off by telling her that the "venting/raging" she did earlier in the day was not appropriate and wasn't going to happen again; that she needed to talk to a professional or a good friend instead of doing that to me, especially since we need to have a good working relationship to coparent effectively.
She apologized sincerely, and then we started talking about why she freaked out when she couldn't get a hold of me. I told her that I didn't appreciate the lack of trust, and that I wasn't going to have her pulling me on an electronic leash. She just gets panicked about our daughters, and needs to cope with it. I understand the panic, and looking back, I shouldn't have ignored her voicemails. That was immature.
Then she kept talking about her feelings, and although I tried my best to validate, I also wanted to be honest and use some tough love. She really had this idea of the "Promised Land" when she moves out, and the reality bites. So we talked a lot about that, and she realizes I'm not trying to be vindictive, and I realize she's really just scared, not trying to screw me over.
Somehow we started talking about when we first met etc. And how we got here. And then a really startling admission from her; It really isn't me, and it isn't another man. She has so many self-esteem issues, most stemming from her relationship with her mother. She said "How can I love someone if I can't love myself? And how can I love myself if my own mother didn't love me?" She's 36, and has never found a way to deal with this. And hopefully she will; a combination of our separating and some counseling. She has a really hard road a head of her.
And it explains so much of our relationship; why I pulled away. The more love and attention I gave her, the more threatened she felt, and she pulled away, diverting her attention to our daughters. And as I was neglected, I pulled away, in a self-fulfilling prophecy reinforcing her lack of worth. Really sick, and so sad. She said she really loved me when we married, but couldn't love anyone right now.
And her biggest worry is passing this self-esteem issue to our two daughters. Told her that unlike her mother, she is very expressive of her love to our daughters; she has flaws as any mother does, but they both know she loves them soo much. They'll be fine. Now if she finds a way to accept herself, and be happy, she'll be a better/happier mother. But if not, they'll be fine.
We talked about the upcoming separation, and set some specific dates for that as well as resolving our dog's home. She's going to look at the 1BD apt this week, while trying to find out how far down the waiting list she is on the other apt complex. We discussed how to divvy up some of the household stuff, and even talked about what to do with the holidays, at least this year.
I also said that I'll try and do a better job of saying yes when I mean it, and telling her that I need some time to think about an issue before making a decision.
At this point, we had been talking for 3 hours, and both went to bed. She had another quick panic attack, and I helped talk her through it. Neither of us slept really well, but when she was leaving for work and I was getting ready as well, I gave her a hug, just a friendly hug that she returned, and told her that she'll be okay, she can get through this.
