I guess I will tell my story. Sorry if I don't use some of the abbreviations as it will take me awhile to remember all of them.
Earlier this year my wife was begging me to go to MC with her. I was reluctant as I always thought that if we had some problems that we could work them out together. In early May she broke down and told me how unhappy she was with the relationship and that we might have to divorce. I was devistated. Sure I knew that there were things I could change about me in our relationship, but to hear my wife describe how unhappy she really was...it really broke my heart. I promised myself that I owe it to my wife to work harder on things and to show her that I really can change for the better.
Around this time my wife had a male friend who was a coworker of hers and a friend of her brothers. One night we all went out to dinner together and I felt disrespected by the friend giving my wife a shoulder massage. She acted like there was nothing wrong with it as they are just friends and it only lasted a minute or two. My wife recently became a massage therapist and started to have this new friend as a regular client. She started asking me everyday if I had a problem with it and I told her no as I trusted her, but then I started to realize that she might be hiding something because she asked about it all the time. Then I find out that instead of getting massages that she was exchanging her services for lunch/dinner dates. I told her that I had a problem with that, but she acted like she could run her business the way she wanted to and assured me that it wasn't a problem because her brother would be going with most of the time.
We started to fight about him all the time. He would start calling her in the morning for a wake-up call to go to work, he would call her when she was on her way home. It got so bad that everytime he called she would lie to me even though I knew for a fact that it was him. we fought so much that in early June we slept in different rooms. On June 11th, I agreed to a separation and moved out of the house. Our terms would be that it would be a short separation while we tried to work on our problems and that hopefully we would be back together soon.
Everything seemed to be going okay with the separation even though I was an emotional wreck and would cry constantly. For the next month we would get together and even were intimate twice. She had some major surgery done on July 12th and didn't want me to be there for her surgery even though I wanted to be. I knew that the OM would be seeing her everyday and it bothered me knowing that he would know her room number before I did. She was in the hospital for 4 days and I visited her everyday when I got off of work for about an hour or two. I was crushed to find out that on her third day in the hospital that he bought her a single pink rose. She hates flowers and drills me anytime I bought some for her, but she acted like this one was special to her. I knew that I was outdone again. Later on that same night I find out that the OM was spending the night at our house when she was in the hospital. The day she got out, he spent the night again. He spends the night 5-6 times a week. I know that a strong EA has been going on and she refuses to tell him he can't spend the night. I told her that it is very disrespectful to me to have another guy spending the night with here in our house during our separation. She thinks it's okay because they sleep in other rooms. She refuses to ever let me spend the night or see her when the OM is around.
Being at my wits end I decided to go to the same MC she went to without me. I had an appointment in mid-June a few days after she was released from the hospital. The MC told me that there was nothing wrong with her friendship and the only reason why it exists is because of me and our lack of communication. Our communication started to break down when she discovered text messaging about 2 years ago. All she does it talk or text on the phone. Everytime I got home from work she would talk on the phone for hours instead of talking to me. She complained that I stayed up all night to play videogames, which is true but only because I couldn't sleep with her because her phone would ring or beep all night long and she would always respond to whoever it was. We couldn't even go to lunch or a dinner/movie date without her on the phone.
Now I understand that I wasn't a perfect husband. She makes more money than I do and there were times when I wasn't there for her emotionally. I got comfortable in our relationship where I went to work 8-16 hours a day and didn't do many household chores at all. Being self-employed and the only employee of a retail store I felt that she could do the household chores since she only worked about 3 hours a day. I'm sure she gave me hints, but I really didn't get them until it was too late.
She refused to go to MC with me and now has decided that the best interest for her is for us to get divorced and then start dating all over again. I get the line that she loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore. She wants to divorce and then date and be excited everytime I come over. I think she wants to divorce to be free to date others. However she thinks that since we are separated that we are free to date others and that a separation means that we can't get together and do things or even stay the night together. I have another MC meeting with the same MC on Aug 18th (took 3 weeks to get in to see him). I don't know what to do. I try to stay strong and haven't really mentioned the OM that much anymore since it solves nothing. But I still find myself crying everyday and even in the past few months though suicidal thoughts.
To top things off yesterday she went to the doctor because she had a lump in her throat. The doctor told her it was a blood clot and that he never seen a case like it before. She wasn't happy and went for a second opinion and got devistating news. She won't tell me about it and I'm afraid it's cancer. I even woke her up last night to tell her that she didn't have to tell me what it was, but I'm her husband and if there was a time she needed me most would probably be right now, and assured her that I was there for her. Unfortunatly she still won't talk about it.
I don't want to give up on my marriage even though she has thrown in the towel. I feel that it's unfair that she won't work on our problems during the separation like was agreed upon. I try not to think about the OM, but can't help it. I even told her that it's okay for him to come over but he should't stay after midnight and she refuses. A few days ago I went to the library and borrowed the Divorce Remedy book. It is a great read so far, but unfortunatly I don't think it will work in my situation as I've tried just about everything. Wish I could get her to read it as it decribes our situation perfectly.
Well sorry for the long first post. I just feel trapped and really don't want to lose my marriage. We've been married for almost 8 years and have been together for more than 10. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading this whole mess.
LG, have you read the Divorce Remedy? If not, try and get a copy from a bookstore or the library. Nothing you're going through is unique, and there are lots of thinks you can do that will help YOU get through this tough time.
Do you have kids?
Three things to focus on before I go to church:
1. Exercise. It'll take your mind off of your situation, as well as make you healthier by burning fat and stress. 2. Sleep. Sleep deprivation is very common. I'm down to about 4 hours a night, and I'm on day 48. 3. Eat well. Put good food in your body, and minimal amounts of alcohol. This will help #1 and #2.
I did borrow the Divorce Remedy from the local library. So far got to around page 100 (in the middle of step 5). It is very hard to do anything right with the OM in the picture. We have no kids which is a good thing, but then again if kids were involved then maybe she would think about things more. The OM takes up all of her time and sometimes it is 3 days or so until she calls or texts me. I have shown her several good changes in myself, but it seems that she ignores all my efforts. Like last Sunday night I was over so that we could pay my bills with the online checking account (we have a joint account, but i surrendered my debit card as well as house keys when i moved out). I knew that she needed the grass cut so the next morning I was over at the crack of dawn to mow the lawn. She and the OM work for a newspaper agency so she delivers newspapers in the morning and does other stuff as well (since her sister owns the agency). Her OM went out of town the past 2 nights and needed her to do his newspaper routes for him. Knowing that she could not do both his and hers I volunteered to do her route while she does the OM's routes. She won't let her family know about her situation because her sister sides with me and has threatened to fire the both of them and her brother hates the guy since the backrub situation. So noone knows I did the route for her, but that's okay as I really didn't mind doing it for her.
To make matters worse, today she finally told me what the doctor said. She has a lump in her throat that the original doctor thought was a blood clot. She wasn't satisfied so went for a second opinion and did some tests. Comes to find out that she either has aneurism of the lymph nobes in her main neck vein or cancer. Will know more on Monday. I thanked her for finally telling me, but now worry that I may not have much time left as she may not have long to live.
I am always busy with work, but now live next to a park and walk the trails at least once a week. It does help a little to clear my mind of things. I don't get much sleep as I probably sleep around 4 hours a day, but the past couple days I've been up for 56 hours straight. I try to eat once a day, but it is a hard struggle as some days I don't eat at all as my tummy is too upset. Like the other day I didn't eat at all, but tried to force myself to eat something. I opened one of those handi-snacks cheese and crackers and after I ate the first cracker...I couldn't eat the other three. Other nights I have made burgers or steaks and was able to eat them. Unfortunatly I am a very picky eater and a not so good cook. Thank you for your prayers as I have a feeling I will need everything I can get. Tomorrow will be day 60 apart
Ordinarilly, I would wait for the jedis to find you and give you the best advice, but as I know what they're going to say, I'll just skip the wait and rush in.
YOU ARE A DOORMAT! I'm sorry to be so harsh, but the Only way you are ever going to break this cycle is to be shocked into some semblance of manhood. I empathize, I was formally a doormat too.
Read any post on this site that Sandy2 has ever written about this. She knows of what she speaks. Also start reading threads. Spend the hours you do now pining away for your wayward wife doing something constructive instead. Look fo similarities and the advice given. Anything by Robx, Coach, Puppy Dog Tails, Gucci Loafer, Ready to Change you pay special attention to. There are others, but those off the top of my head will do you well.
Buddy, you have GOT to grow a pair yesterday. This is going to end badly for you if you don't. I'm sorry for your pain. Believe me I understand it well. I'm sorry that your W may be in poor health. I'm sorry for your M, but honestly, you need this program so that you will have the strength to live through this.
The pros would tell you to move back in your house. If it is in both your names, she cannot compell you to leave. Who is it that wants to be seperated. Well, that would be the person who needs to go
At least ten times reading your story I said: "You did WHAT?". Get your bank card back today. Stop mowing the damn lawn. Don't EVER do his damn work again. Tell her whole family about this $hit. Do you really care if he gets fired?All you're doing is making it easier for her to destroy your life. Kick his ass out of YOUR house. Call the sherrif and have him removed as a trespasser. Your W will be pissed. So what? Tell me, honestly, what will that make her do that she isn't doing already?
Most Importantly, get councelling today. Screw the MC. Get a councellor for yourself. Do not stop, do not pass go, get it done first thing in the morning. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to F around with. If you haven't slept in 50 hours and have ever thought about offing yourself, you are not in a safe place. Nobody would be.
PLEASE do this. As much as I laid on you, Ir eally do hurt for you. I know where you are first hand. If you were my friend, hell if I knew where you lived, I would go straight there and not leave your side until you were being seen by a professional who could deterine you were ok to be alone. Call a friend or a family member. People care about you and want to help. Nothing is so bad that you can't live through it. The other posts are a good example of that.
God watch over and keep you.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
ok, first let me apologize. I really did not mean to come off as hard as I did. It's late and your story really just struck a nerve. Nothing I said was incorrect, but it also wasn't very encouraging.
Look, you have stumbled accross a tremendous resource here. I cannot begin to tell you how much difference the site and the folks here have made in my life. It is the same over and over. Poor sap LBS comes on here and is generally in the darkest period in their lives. Their esteem is dead. They have no idea what to do. Within weeks, they start doing things that make life worth living and little by little, their self esteem blossoms and they begin to realize that they are in charge of their lives and start living it.
No, I can't say that this will save your M. Nobody knows that. But it will save your heart and make the future much brighter. Please consider doing the work. Research. Read as many threads as possible and start acting to build your life back into the life you deserve and want. You CAN do this. Another useful thing that I found helpful is using your thread as a journal. Sometimes just writing the words down excersizes a lot of demons.
Good luck and welcome aboard. But seriously, do find an IC.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Welcome to the DB forum! Sorry that you have to be here but it is a great source of advice and information and advice.
I am going to continue the 2 x 4 that Goodman initiated as your story resonates with me because I am a recovering doormat as well
Originally Posted By: lonelyguy
I find out that the OM was spending the night at our house when she was in the hospital. The day she got out, he spent the night again. He spends the night 5-6 times a week. I know that a strong EA has been going on and she refuses to tell him he can't spend the night. I told her that it is very disrespectful to me to have another guy spending the night with here in our house during our separation. She thinks it's okay because they sleep in other rooms. She refuses to ever let me spend the night or see her when the OM is around.
First order of business for you....MOVE HOME! Who belongs there, you or some OM? Your W letting some man stay in YOUR house during your separation is highly disrespectful. Priority number one is to begin getting the respect of your W back. As Sandi always says "A woman cannot be attracted to a man she does not respect". You can not force, demand, beg, etc. her to respect you. You have to go back and start with getting your self-respect back. This is the most important part of this whole process. Do it for yourself, you will be better off in the end with your self-esteem and self-respect back. In the process, your W will also begin to respect you. Move back into your home. Don't do a lot of explaining, just simply say what Coach always says "I have decided that I am going to live in my home" and leave it at that. Don't be a jerk about it, just calmly do it.
Seek out Coach's thread on Boundaries. You need to establish some boundaries with your W. The folks here can help with questions about boundaries because they can be hard to define and much harder to enforce consequences for breaking them.
Originally Posted By: lonelyguy
I even told her that it's okay for him to come over but he should't stay after midnight and she refuses.
Stop this. You are trying to Nice your way through this. Trust me on this, it won't work. At worst, you are giving your approval of her actions by telling her it is OK for him to come over. You should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" by Robert Glover. It helped me a lot and will help you as well. It is pretty much the roadmap for stepping out of the role of doormat.
I know this hurts and that it stinks to have to be here. Just remember that DB is as much a battle to save yourself as it is a battle to save your M. YOu have no control over what your W does or the battle for your M, however, you do have control over YOU. Work on improving yourself and you will be fighting the battle for your M in an indirect fashion. This way, no matter the outcome, you have a victory in that you recovered yourself.
Some of the Vets will be along soon and they can help you with advice on how to break up the A which will also be an important step for you.
I have another MC meeting with the same MC on Aug 18th (took 3 weeks to get in to see him). I don't know what to do.
I would tell your MC that his advice sucks:
Originally Posted By: lonelyguy
The MC told me that there was nothing wrong with her friendship
Originally Posted By: lonelyguy
He spends the night 5-6 times a week. I know that a strong EA has been going on and she refuses to tell him he can't spend the night. I told her that it is very disrespectful to me to have another guy spending the night with here in our house during our separation. She thinks it's okay because they sleep in other rooms. She refuses to ever let me spend the night or see her when the OM is around.
DONT BE SO BLIND! they sleep in other rooms. you honestly believe that????
I am very sorry for the two of you and the cancer scare, I know the fear and confusion myself, but honestly in sickness and in health the OM has to go. He has replaced you.
I would like to present to you the Betty Crocker Award for baking and frosting the cake which she eats:
i surrendered my debit card as well as house keys when i moved out
I knew that she needed the grass cut so the next morning I was over at the crack of dawn to mow the lawn
Her OM went out of town the past 2 nights and needed her to do his newspaper routes for him. Knowing that she could not do both his and hers I volunteered to do her route while she does the OM's routes.
On June 11th, I agreed to a separation and moved out of the house. on July 12th the OM moved in.
and this one
She wants to divorce and then date and be excited everytime I come over...However she thinks ...that a separation means that we can't get together and do things .
