a. To show her you aren't clinging or holding onto the marriage b. To get her to admit to you that you are over her
Neither, it is:
C) To absolutely clarify my position in writing about staying in the house, setting boundaries with her visiting, and to let her unequivocally know whether she believes it or not that I have had it with her AS SHE IS NOW. And to stand up for myself against accusations that I am selfish, vindictive and spiteful.
Just because I don't cave into her demands doesn't mean I am vidictive.
BOTH HER AND HER MOM said to me "It's ALWAYS about you having the UPPER HAND. You MAKE this a power struggle, and use whatever means you can to come out on top".
They said that because I said I "refused to roll over and be forced out of my home".
That's not to say if SHE makes CHANGES in her life I wouldn't reconsider, but AS SHE IS NOW, I am DONE with her.
Yes I am sad and hurt, and I will continue to protect myself and my home. And I will continue to run intel BECAUSE she is trying to do the same to me and DICTATE how I will live my life in my OWN home. She actually had the nerve to accuse me of "adultery", and THEN say what she did "isn't the same thing as adultery, and that she will abide by the marriage laws and be celibate". REALLY? She is a LIAR through and through.
But BOTH of them need to read what I have to say, and if they STILL don't get it, then that is their problem.
But I am interested in your thoughts as to if/how this can backfire. I can lay off the letter of you think it's best. I am also up for other suggestions as well.
Oh, and she also said yesterday when I asked if I could do anything for her sick grandmother who has really always been kind to me:
"If you really want to help my family, you can start by helping me. Get my name off the mortgage and help my family that way. My parents and I need THAT help".
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 08/09/1012:47 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
I'm a more "in the moment say what is right" kind of guy myself. One thing that bothers me, QS, is that with as much time as you have had to understand all of this, you keep getting suprised and fail to protect yourself in the moment.
I wonder why? It should have been obvious that you are not going to let your estranged wife or mother-in-law control you. There were any number of possible responses that you could have said to drive that point home.
I think you regard the situation as hostile toward you at the moment, so I wonder why you keep acting suprised?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/09/1012:52 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Oh, and she also said yesterday when I asked if I could do anything for her sick grandmother who has really always been kind to me:
"If you really want to help my family, you can start by helping me. Get my name off the mortgage and help my family that way. My parents and I need THAT help".
Wow... How incredibly selfish.
They do sound strained for cash.
However QS, this is a fine example of what everyone was predicting would happen to her when she started acting on impulse and carrying on like a child : consequences.
She's strained for cash? If she keeps up her shenanigans much longer that will be the least of her worries...
She is not taking the time to think things throguh before she acts on them... She's acting on her impulses and then firefighting to deal... And taking her frustration for her rash choices out on you.
The letter poses a few problems :
a. It needs trimmed up if it will be going into a courtroom b. We need to realize this is a piece of writing and your wife may use it for something you don't want her to - it needs to read professionally just to be on the safe side c. This may provoke her to go on the attack again - puppy warned about this earlier - as long as you are living there she's going to be a risk of trouble - this letter may just up the ante and force her to get aggressive again in some way we haven't covered yet d. She may show it to friends and family scoffing at it and upset you e. She may find a way to twist what is said to her advantage - we have to be very careful how its worded so she can't exploit anything f. You also said she was showing signs of softening - that may be a trick, but it may be the case that her anger is finally dissipating a bit - this letter may add fuel to her anger again just when she thinks she may be making a mistake
BOTH HER AND HER MOM said to me "It's ALWAYS about you having the UPPER HAND. You MAKE this a power struggle, and use whatever means you can to come out on top".
They said that because I said I "refused to roll over and be forced out of my home".
This is projection. Those two keep trying to force things and exploit situations.
She filed for divorce - hand She started the sex chats in secret - hand She moved out - hand
Your wife turned this into a battle of wills not you. I think you know that already, but I will at least point this out so you don't think you are crazy.
I think the above is just garbage you can disregard as a pathetic attempt to intimidate you into doing whatever your wife wants.
She is hurting QS, and she's stress out about the move as well. BUT, she CHOSE to cheat on you with a married man (again I am driving this one home because its a MUCH MORE SERIOUS offence than the military guy) and then when you asserted a boundary and drove consequences home she couldn't take it. Your wife was embarassed you caught her with the hands in the cookie jar so she ran out and got a new place to HIDE.
All of that crap above? Pay it no mind.
Things you could also list in the letter are things you did to improve the situation for her. The memorial for the pup, the work on the home, hirring the Family Therapist, anything you did to make life easier there for the both of you.
Put it in a numbered list ... And if you hold that against a list of our wife's offences it will make it pretty clear to any courtroom who was cooperating and who was antagonizing the situation. We can add that to the letter.
OK so we can hold of on SENDING the letter, but WORK on it until it is what I need it to be.
Meanwhile, she got all her packing done so she won't be back into the house until moving day on Sunday. And I sure as Hell WONT be here for that.
She MAY be softening, but it PROBABLY is SWEET TALKING and CAJOLING me into consenting to selling the house.
She probably is trying to play to my soft side and use my feelings for her as a weapon against me.
She's a sneaky little one and I think she still has a few tricks up her sleeve yet. But maybe she HAS seen that I have and am growing, and that her and her mom can't send me over the edge ANYMORE.
Quote:
Your wife turned this into a battle of wills not you.
The funny thing is that she KEPT SAYING:
"I will work with you in whatever way possible to make this smooth and get it OVER. I will work with you and we can work TOGETHER to get our lives separate".
She must have said "work with you" about ten times. All in reference to speeding the divorce and selling of the house along.
OH, and she also kept saying this:
"I gave you CHOICES ALL ALONG THE WAY. I ALWAYS let you know AHEAD of time what I would be doing. I gave you CHOICES to make with the house, with living together, and with the finaces. Filing for divorce, moving out, canceling the utilities, and packing. I ALWAYS gave you a CHOICE, and your actions in choosing speak very loudly".
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 08/09/1001:11 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
OK so we can hold of on SENDING the letter, but WORK on it until it is what I need it to be.
Meanwhile, she got all her packing done so she won't be back into the house until moving day on Sunday. And I sure as Hell WONT be here for that.
She MAY be softening, but it PROBABLY is SWEET TALKING and CAJOLING me into consenting to selling the house.
She probably is trying to play to my soft side and use my feelings for her as a weapon against me.
She's a sneaky little one and I think she still has a few tricks up her sleeve yet. But maybe she HAS seen that I have and am growing, and that her and her mom can't send me over the edge ANYMORE.
Quote:
Your wife turned this into a battle of wills not you.
The funny thing is that she KEPT SAYING:
"I will work with you in whatever way possible to make this smooth and get it OVER. I will work with you and we can work TOGETHER to get our lives separate".
She must have said "work with you" about ten times. All in reference to speeding the divorce and selling of the house along.
OH, and she also kept saying this:
"I gave you CHOICES ALL ALONG THE WAY. I ALWAYS let you know AHEAD of time what I would be doing. I gave you CHOICES to make with the house, with living together, and with the finaces. Filing for divorce, moving out, canceling the utilities, and packing. I ALWAYS gave you a CHOICE, and your actions in choosing speak very loudly".
All of that above is just for show dude, you know that.
Your wife is a talented politician.
By that I mean she's very good at doing what she WANTS covertly while putting on a great show verbally in open public... She's perfectly content to contradict herself and carry on her day... In short, she's a shameless liar.
She knows she's not working with you... But when she SAYS that people think "oh, she's owrking with him"... MANY ignorant people will hear what she says and accept the face value of it and not actually look at what she's doing.
Your wife has been on the attack for months. Your wife has run roughshod over your efforts to cooperate Your wife she springs her choices on you with the least amount of notice possible for full effect
She's not working with you, but for the casual listener, they will hear that and think this is indeed the case.
An intelligent person can filter out the crap and see through it, but your wife is a talented politician... She knows how to talk and win people over... even if no one other than her bulldog of a mother is listening.
If you want to try her trick go ahead :
Just say one thing and do the opposite :
"You are welcome in my home any time you like...", put a chain on the door "I am working with you completely here...", throw a party in the home while she's away "I want to help in any way I can", On moving day just sit back and watch her carry out heavy boxes and don't lift a finger but keep saying "did you need any help?"
Its classic passive aggression... She wants to LOOK cooperative while being counterproductive as much as possible
You can try the same game if you want, but I don't reccomend it.
This is her game, she talks loudly to present a public image, but behind the scenes and in teh details you can see how counterproductiev her efforts are
Most casual observers wont' see it.. But a courtroom will
A judge will just tell her to shut up and show him the facts. She won't have any to back up her blustering and you will have tons to show otherwise.
Her performance is for her friends and her mother because those people won't look beyond the surface...
THis is what happens when two married people have an affair and run off into the sunset together thinking everything will be sunshine and rainbows. This woman posting had an affair while she was married with a man who was also married... They both got a divorce and ran off togehter... Now read the mess they are dealing with :
Wow, all this is just a freaking PATTERN. It's sad and it sucks.
Anyway, I think I am going to roll over and die. Going on my 13th night in a row GAL-ing, and I'm going to push it to 31. I want to be the Cal Ripken of GAL-ing.
Having a HUUUGGE party at my house in 12 days too. It is going to be off the HOOK.
Plus she called me twice and texted me today too. Something about a bill. I just ignored them all. Now that she is out I am in Mostly-Protection Phase, in that I keep an eye on her and her bullchit with Intel. But only certain keywords I look at. The rest is gravy, and her new roommate can deal with her now. GOOOOOD LUCK. He's 24 and soooo immature.
Man is he going to crash and burn with her. She is going to scare the bejesus out of him.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Yup.. that's teh freay part QS is that you can FORECAST almost EVERY MOVE THEY MAKE after you read enough posts here lol
Everything they say and do is step by step the same with only a few minor changes tossed in to keep the forum interesting
AT least you can see what happens when two immature people run off into the sunset together. I know righ tnow its hard to beleive it won't turn out like roses for her, but trust me it won't... She's going to burn him or he will burn her or they will trash each other senseless and both walk away flaming balls of hatred.
Childish and wasteful : steer clear.
Good to see he's that childish... It just means they liekly wont even last hte year lol
