Welcome to the DB forum! Sorry that you have to be here but it is a great source of advice and information and advice.
I am going to continue the 2 x 4 that Goodman initiated as your story resonates with me because I am a recovering doormat as well
Originally Posted By: lonelyguy
I find out that the OM was spending the night at our house when she was in the hospital. The day she got out, he spent the night again. He spends the night 5-6 times a week. I know that a strong EA has been going on and she refuses to tell him he can't spend the night. I told her that it is very disrespectful to me to have another guy spending the night with here in our house during our separation. She thinks it's okay because they sleep in other rooms. She refuses to ever let me spend the night or see her when the OM is around.
First order of business for you....MOVE HOME! Who belongs there, you or some OM? Your W letting some man stay in YOUR house during your separation is highly disrespectful. Priority number one is to begin getting the respect of your W back. As Sandi always says "A woman cannot be attracted to a man she does not respect". You can not force, demand, beg, etc. her to respect you. You have to go back and start with getting your self-respect back. This is the most important part of this whole process. Do it for yourself, you will be better off in the end with your self-esteem and self-respect back. In the process, your W will also begin to respect you. Move back into your home. Don't do a lot of explaining, just simply say what Coach always says "I have decided that I am going to live in my home" and leave it at that. Don't be a jerk about it, just calmly do it.
Seek out Coach's thread on Boundaries. You need to establish some boundaries with your W. The folks here can help with questions about boundaries because they can be hard to define and much harder to enforce consequences for breaking them.
Originally Posted By: lonelyguy
I even told her that it's okay for him to come over but he should't stay after midnight and she refuses.
Stop this. You are trying to Nice your way through this. Trust me on this, it won't work. At worst, you are giving your approval of her actions by telling her it is OK for him to come over. You should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" by Robert Glover. It helped me a lot and will help you as well. It is pretty much the roadmap for stepping out of the role of doormat.
I know this hurts and that it stinks to have to be here. Just remember that DB is as much a battle to save yourself as it is a battle to save your M. YOu have no control over what your W does or the battle for your M, however, you do have control over YOU. Work on improving yourself and you will be fighting the battle for your M in an indirect fashion. This way, no matter the outcome, you have a victory in that you recovered yourself.
Some of the Vets will be along soon and they can help you with advice on how to break up the A which will also be an important step for you.
