Thanks Jeff ... 3 more busy days and then we are off to the beach.
I had a very difficult moment with my son last week. His cousin whome he adores, has been a bit hostile. He is usually a sweet boy but his parents' divorce, which he hides from people just like my son did, has affected him deeply. Imagine his parents havent spoken to each other since the day his dad moved out, his mom is constantly putting him down and is proudly calling herself a cougar(she is out of control, MLC at its worst), leaving her son (the youngest one 11yrs old) with her dad, my FiL. His dad keeps in contact as much as he can but he has told me the kid has told him he feels obliged to keep his grandparent company, which is the way/the excuse his mom uses to send him off everyday so that she can go out... (with a man the age of her oldest son, 20yrs old I think)
Anyway, my son got hurt by something his cousin told him and wanted to know how come his cousin has changed so much. I thought I should tell him what is going on and did. In the context of "he is having a hard time, be patient, dont take it personally" etc etc.
He wanted to know details and then he started sobbing uncontrollably. I tried to soothe him and asked him what he felt. He told me he was thinking of something that happened a long time ago "that is corected now and it shouldnt bother him". I asked if it was our separation and he said it was the day his father left. He told me "mommy, when I think of that day, I FEEL the rage and the grief, the desperation I felt when I was crying on the floor and dad wouldnt stay, how could he do this to me, how did he leave me when I was hurting?". Sadly, me and my son hurt with the same question... He asked me if I remembered. I told him I do and that it was very painful for me too but we are all now trying to look forward. He kept asking the same question. I told him he should discuss this with his dad, I didnt know the answer except that his dad felt he had no other choice.
His comment was :if I felt that way, I imagine how my cousin feels now, his parents had been longer together than you and dad", trying to understand and compare the pain (!!!). After that he was very sweet with his cousin.
I told H in a very nice way. His eyes filled with tears. I could see his pain/guilt. I suggested he gives our son the opportunity to discuss about it and prepare an answer that will make sense to him, at least till he is older to learn about the OW.
As far as I am concerned, as much as I want to be braver, I realised I would put up with a lot of things now, just to save my son from a similar situation again. Thankfully H seems to be returning 100% to us, for how long I cant tell. I was talking to my gf about this and she suggested some kind of ritual, just among the 4 of us, to give the kids back a sense of safety and stability. Or at least a symbolic gesture that they can remember as the end of a bad era. I will talk to H about it and see what he feels about it.
Spent a lot of time with dad last weekend. The more I did, the sweeter he became with me. I felt he was more calm when we were together. K
