Anyway...I'm understanding my frustration in this new relationship--such as it is--with the Texas guy. I'm not so sure that the man who invited me into relationship in the beginning is still there. It has been very good at times, and it's difficult for me to experience the level of connection and healthy intimacy I felt on his visit and not want to build on it. And I think I finally understand that's healthy, not clingy. So many good elements are there, it's a natural thing to want to keep opening doors. But I've felt so much pulling away since that time, in spite of some lovely discourse to the contrary. And I understand that he's still healing, I truly do. But for all I know, this might be the real "him," a guy who throws up walls when things get close. Either way, it's painful to want to build connections and not have that returned. For all I know, I won't see him again until next spring, and that's unacceptable. I'm not saying I want to marry the guy, but when we have so many positive elements in a relationship (yeah, ok, amidst the walls, but I'm getting to that--isn't it a good thing to want to build upon them--slowly, carefully, but still--building bridges and not walls? And I feel like I am finally looking at this from a position of strength, not like a clinging vine--I want this more than I need it. Maybe this is where the rope gets dropped, where I step back and just become a friend (no benefits) and stop banging my head against the wall trying to figure out what's wrong with ME. I'm okay. It's okay to want to test the waters of intimacy--slowly, carefully--and to do that without running for cover when feelings surface, but to sit with them, abide with them, see if they fit. Perhaps he's not ready to do that; perhaps he never will be. But that doesn't make me the weaker one.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
