There is OM in the picture whom W says she will absolutely give up IF I can commit to trying on the marriage again.
Your answer to her is..
"I have decided that I am not interested in reconciling. I have realized that it is not in the best interest of "us" as a couple and an even MORE important FACT is that I have lost trust. I will always love you because you are the mother of our child, but I am not IN love with you.(that one always gets to them) I realized that it just won't work for ME because I don't want to be with a woman I don't trust and am not in love with. Also add to the fact that you are STILL with him even now and are making it seem as if you are doing ME a favor by telling me you will leave him IF I commit to the relationship. I have decided that isn't going to happen. So, for now I want to proceeed with the divorce."
Say this with confidence, resolve and matter of fact....
Don't BUDGE an inch if she doesn't dump him BEFORE you commit. Shame on you if you fall for that old trick.
You were told exactly what to say, but you can't do it for some reason, something to do with the "soft spot" you have for her in your heart.
I get it, that's how you feel and you are letting that feeling dictate how you should act in this situation.
I just want to point out something, you are afraid to lose something (your wife) that you have already lost.
The minute she went with the OM, you lost her. You still feel like she is with you in some small way, and giving her the required speech that Gucci outlined above would somehow make her lost to you forever.
She is gone, that was her decision. The minute you give her the speech about how it's going to be and really mean it because you finally GET IT, that's when it will be your decision and that's when things will change in your situation.
When I say change, I mean that you will finally have figured out the value of your life and how much you've been shortchanging yourself by allowing her crap behavior to continue for so long.
You have the answers to your situation, you've been given the solution to your problem, you are too afraid to do what must be done and we can't fix that remotely unfortunately, it requires you to grow some balls, be a man and stop letting people (in this case your wife) treat you so poorly.
You said it yourself, she admitted that she's afraid to tell the OM that it's over, just proves to me she likes have multiple options available to her, you've been the backup plan up until now, do you like being someone's 2nd choice, 2nd pick? I don't know about you but I wouldn't settle for being anything less than someone's first pick, if you aren't your wife's first pick, there is something seriously wrong with this picture, it's possible it's time for you to find someone who would make you their first pick.
Life is too short to settle for anything less and it's definitely too short to live in fear.
