WAW says she wants to come back

[Grocerykartman]

Yes, I got more or less the same question again when she came over to talk this evening. First I should say I would have put the kabosh on her coming over altogether but regrettably at times I have a soft spot when she says she misses my daughter. Depending on the night, I feel I am fairly alert to when its ok for her to come over and see my daughter when she misses her and when its not, in other words there are times I know it will confuse my daughter and other times I don't think it does. Regardless, I am really struggling to find consistency on that matter, because I try to put myself in her place missing a child. I suppose that's a microcosm of the reason I posted on here to begin with, what's the right thing to do for my daughter?

Anyway, I told her that never have you made it clear to OM that you will give him up, written him a letter, or anything like that and THEN told me you have done so. It's as if you feel like you probably SHOULD, but you don't WANT to. Big difference. She claims she is afraid that if she does that, then I still will need a lot more from her and it may not be enough. I told her, of course not, that's just the beginning. I would still have trust issues. More importantly, so what if she was willing to re-open her phone records and banking statements, etc. I don't want to treat the person I am with like a child, like I am their parent. That's no way to live for either of us....exhausting for me and, though one would certainly say she deserves it, that is ongoing humiliation for her which I am sure she would eventually revolt against. On top of all that, I don't like how I feel when I dish out any anger over the things I know she has done with OM. Makes her feel like a zero and doesn't show any forgiveness...I try extremely hard not to but there are too many triggers out there. I couldn't even say, let's get this movie from the store or something without wondering, ok, has she seen it already with OM? That has happened already and it's a terrible feeling.

So why do I still wonder if I am doing the right thing, since she still has the ball back in my court? I would think my daughter would benefit from seeing a respectable, cordial divorced adult relationship between her mother and I, not one where we're together but it's filled with suspicion and where she has to report everything to me, and all the while there is the occassional barb being tossed back her way over the triggers that come up. I guess that's why these things are so difficult, you pretty much know what the right thing is but yet you can't fully be sure, especially when you're child is involved.