cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[awest1217]

Talked to H last night. I got some post office stuff in the mail and wanted to let him know in case it was important, plus I wanted to ask about car insurance. We talked about S, and S talked to his dad. S does well for a while, but then he doesn't want to say good-bye so he looks around the room to tell H stuff. I told H about the pics. He said he would like to pay for 1/2 (we will see if he follows through because he never does). Then he went on and on about work and how well he is doing. I think he is trying to convince himself that he is happy.

I on the other hand am very happy. I am so happy with my life. S and I had a great time yesterday. It was the perfect summer day with the beautiful sunshine, water, and sand. S is finally getting more brave around the water so i was able to get some pics of him along the edge of the water. It was really wavy due to the massive change in temp the last few days and he loved it! The best part is I didn't get sunburnt like last time so I just am a little red, but not burnt and it will look nice for when school starts.

I am also very proud of how I handle H and have handled H. Yes we had our down points, but going through this parenting website, it says what will you do to make sure S is taken care of and there is no conflict around S. I just kept putting everything is working right now. We communicate well and if S wants to see H extra I ask H if he can and then go from there. We work through everything without worry. I may not trust H at all yet with S because of the previous behaviors, but I have always been open to H and S being around each other. I am very proud of that. Also we always say hello and good-bye and talk about S as needed. It is all about S and so there isn't any work we have to do (besides H continuing to be consistent). We get along so no problem, and I am proud of myself for helping to facilitate that.

It is also really nice to be able to me myself around H without having to worry about if it is going to hurt me. I am able to be nice and not think about him cake eating because we are getting divorced. There is no cake eating. We don't hang out or anything, but I can call him about S, be nice to him, listen if he wants to talk and tell him good job that he is excelling at work, but I keep my stuff to me. It is great to be able to be me all the time again.

I am so much happier now than I have been in a while and that is what is important. I am trying to figure out what to do next weekend since i don't have S and it is my last weekend...

[Lucky11too]

Awest - that's really inspiring that you can find so much to be happy about, despite going thru such a rough sitch. But you're right, you're making a great life for yourself, without H, and that is so awesome! It's great that everything is working out so well with S, b/c I know that was your biggest concern on how the transition would be on him. Obviously it's not ideal to have 2 families, but he's getting the best of both worlds and lots of love surrounding him despite it all. Just keep it up and although there might be ups and downs the next few months as this gets finalized, just look back to your above post to remember all you have to be thankful for! =)

For next weekend, definitely do something fun. Celebrate your last weekend! Go out with your friends and do something fun - mini-golfing, a movie, bowling, or whatever you like to do. But just a little splurge as a reward for coming so far! Hope the rest of this weekend went well too! =)

[awest1217]

My sitch was rough and horrible living in it, but now on the other side, I am so glad to be out of it. You have no idea what it is like wondering constantly if there is another OW lurking around the corner or when I would find the next picture or next incriminating text. Not on purpose, but things always just would happen to fall in my lap, just like the post card. This going through the D, for me, is the easier part. I am having a hard time losing the extended family. I was really becoming friends with my BIL and his parents were ok so that is rough, but otherwise I don't see much of a down side. I was always wondering and always worrying so it is nice to not feel that anymore because he is not my problem.

With S, he is still not transitioning great. I mean he still has a ways to go and it is killer on me, but he will be ok. He is always excited to see daddy, but something is definitely stressing him out. I don't know if he misses me or if he is worried about me or if it is something else, but he definitely is very clingy, really overly clingy, for about 3 days after the visit. Then he is fine and back to normal. I am happy when he leaves. Happy when he comes home. I ask him about his day and whenever he talks about H I always encourage him to talk so I am doing what I can. I think this time I will let S know what I will be doing while he is gone and see if that helps. Maybe knowing that I am busy will help him?

The rest of the weekend was fun. I am trying to get as much fun out of the last week that I can. Next sunday i will have to go back to normal. Saturday S was clingy at the party, but I think I accidently woke him up early from his nap when I went to check on him. It was time to leave for the party and he had slept his normal time frame, but when I looked in I think the door woke him. Then I had my nephew with us so i had to hold him at times because he is 15 months and S did not like that, but after about an hour he was fine. He slept really well last night and was great, although I was PMSing so I told S to leave me alone for a while, and he did so then he went to bed at his school bed time (8) and so did I and we both woke up happy. Today we had church then went to my parents for an impromptu get together. S acted my sister to go with her so she took him and I went over after changing. S played outside in a kiddy pool and in the sprinkler all afternoon and now is exhausted.

Tomorrow finishing my room then the rest of the week is up in the air, but it will be fun and relaxing no matter what we do.

[awest1217]

Long day today...

Don't really have time to say much because S wants to play, but it has been a long day...

I will say this, if they made it as hard to get married as they do to D then maybe people wouldn't get married as quickly.

[awest1217]

Yesterday I went to my room and finished up the prelim stuff. Then did some stuff at home. Then went grocery shopping and then went to have the phones split. IT TOOK 1 HOUR! It shouldn't take that long.

Anyway just a long day...this morning I checked on H's aunt's status. She is not doing well. Slowly slipping away which is sad. I wasn't close to her really, actually i am not close to much of H's extended family because he never wanted to do stuff with them which is evident by me still going to stuff and him not. What got me is last week Aunt and Uncle celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary. Uncle is not a talkative guy. Actually I don't think I have ever talked to him (H says the same). Uncle is very private, but on the blog Aunt started and now the cousins are keeping up to date, he put how much he loves her even after 34 years and will always love her, and on and on. It was so beautiful to read. That is when I started to cry because Aunt was the one at the baby shower who put it bluntly that I needed to be back with H and now we are Ding and H could care less. He doesn't care that he has split up a family and completely ruined everything.

Now I just pray for the family that they will have peace as they say good bye. I am also praying that one day (not soon, but one day) I will have that same type of love and marriage that I always dreamed of. I thought it would be with H, but now it will be with someone else, as long as Mr. Right is somewhere out there.

[ClingingToHope]

You have come a long way. Months ago you would not have written that last paragraph.

[awest1217]

Found out that Aunt passed away this morning. Keep the family in your prayers because this is the 2nd person to die in a year (I always feel it comes in 3's so we will see). Aunt is the oldest daughter on FIL's side. FIL's mom passed away last October and now the oldest sister today. They will need your prayers, especially the other sister because she is not in good health either (depression from mom passing away).

I don't believe anyone knows about H and I yet so this is going to be weird, but everything will be good. I am figuring the funeral will be at the end of the week or beginning of next so we will see.

[newmama]

I'm sorry to hear about your H's aunt's passing.

You are so right that they make it too easy to get married!

[awest1217]

Found out from my BIL (H hasn't text me at all just like I figured so I asked BIL to keep me posted) that the family is waiting to make arrangements until they find out if oldest daughter's H can get back from Afghanistan soon. He was originally going to be back at the end of September so right now he is getting debriefed so hopefully it can get done.

Today is S's 3 yr check-up. H is coming to it. I am also giving him the papers today. Last night I did not sleep well. I had a dream about H and OW. At first I was mad at them, then by the end I was warning OW about H and befriending her (there are things he has done that I have not put on here because they are bad). Strange. Also before bed I yelled at S that I needed to be left alone (PMSing big time so I need some me time) and he cried for daddy. I talked to S and now he is great, but still very hard.

Yesterday I signed up for the mandatory parenting class. I am so much more at ease about it. It takes place on Saturdays so no worries about S during the week and being tired and fussy. It is at the public library 0.5 miles from my house, and it only costs $40. I thought it would be $150 so all positive. I am going Sept 18. There is one next weekend, but I can't go because of helping my SIL with our winter resale.

Overall sad summer is ending, excited about my future, and scared to start a new year because so much is new this year. Half our department retired last year so new colleagues, new room, new life (Ding), new nurse, new students as always. I am also going to be a mentor to one of the new teachers so that is an honor to be chosen. All good stuff, but scary.

[newmama]

Awest,I forgot to respond to something you said- it's not cake eating because you're getting divorced! You also said it's nice that you can be yourself.

I totally agree and can relate to both- I mean it is freeing to not have to worry about how H will interpret our actions! It is freeing to just "be" and not want H back!

About being a mentor- what a compliment and what a good distraction. I have a new room and several changes at my school as well but it keeps things fresh! Especially because of the "new life" we are embarking!

What are you doing about your last name, btw?