Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Been a super busy weekend. S's room is taking a lot longer than planned b/c S has been very clingy to me this weekend and doesn't want anyone else. I got the walls all prepped yesterday, then today I painted the ceiling and the letters for his name that go on the wall. Next weekend I'll paint the walls. I'm very excited for it. I've never really done a room for S yet, b/c when I was pregnant, obviously I couldn't paint and H was no help at all & then still after he was born, between the lack of time & really not knowing where I would be, it just never happened.

Things have been interesting with H. On Friday, he texted to ask about S and was still pouting about Thursday night. Saturday morning, he texted to ask what my plans were for the day & I let him know that I was going to be home and working on S's room (1st mention of it to him). He must have fallin back asleep b/c he didn't respond until several hours later, with an "oh good!" (don't know if it set in that doing S's room means I'm moving on with my life...without him) and then asked when I wanted to see him. Interesting. I was somewhat non-chalent and just said that why doesn't he come over sunday (today) and watch S for me so I can paint the ceiling (put it back to S, not us). I never heard from him all day, so my parents tried to keep S entertained for me. Finally, right before naptime, he calls and says that he just woke up and was surprised I didn't call or text him to wake him up to come over. He acknowledged that S was just about to go down for a nap but asked if he should still come over to see me. This is where I did something very hard for me. I said "no" b/c I had errands to run. It feels so counterintuitive, but I will be ok without him and he needs to see a life without me too, which will be the reality if things don't change soon. I could tell he was kind of taken back by my response but he just asked what errands I had to run, then we talked briefly about the new place, and then hung up.

Basically, I'm pleasant but distant. It felt a little weird but it also felt empowering. My only fear is that since he doesn't like to be alone, if he's filling my void with OW again. So who knows. I think a lot about if this will work or not to change things around. I took the biggest stand of my life 2 years ago when I moved out, but that obviously did not do any good and instead completely backfired. If I'm honest to myself, I left b/c I needed help, but also hoped it would knock some sense into H. But times and people have changed since then and I think I've become a person H likes again. H too has come a long way from that depression hole he was stuck in. So, I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but I'm anxious too about getting some closure - one way or another. It's hard too not knowing if anything has changed with OW3. Since my stand against her, has H learned anything? Probably not, but on the otherhand, I don't think he would mention it to me anyways, b/c by saying he got rid of her would be admitting to fault in the first place, meaning I was right. That's why I don't know if his wanting to be with me now (like inviting for dinner on thurs, wanting to see me, etc) is an act to keep control of me while b/c he sees me slipping away despite having OW3, or is an act to win me back b/c he needs someone to replace the void from OW3. I'll probably never know, but I'm just thinking out loud here.

Ok, time to go relax a bit. Pretty sore from all the work this weekend!