Susan, you can do this. You can take care of Susan. Crying and weeping is okay. Don't feel bad for your emotions, they're what make us good. Just don't let them cause you to act in ways that are counterproductive. I know that's hard so often. We've spent our lives telling our WASs everything, and now, not sharing those feelings with them is extremely difficult.
Try and avoid R talks. If you get roped into one, let him do the talking and the validating. If he asks you a point blank question, say "I don't know, I'll have to think about that before I can answer you." or something similar. Practice it in front of a mirror!
I agree, emotions are a normal part of being human.I just need to keep them to myself in when in front of WAH. Last need I need is to be doing anything counterproductive.
Since the bomb, I have kept most of my tears bottled up, guess it's all coming out now.
I started the R talk with H this morning, I did most of the talking .I slid backwards, I know. This is the first time since bomb dropped that I let my guard down. I will take your advice, thanks~
I feel like I'm in a boat, plugging up leaks. lol.
I keep telling myself, "SNAP OUT OF IT". Remember the line in the Moonstruck movie and Cher says that to Nick Cage?? lol
Do you have a close friend who can put up with repeated bawling festivals? My sister has been instrumental in being there for me when I need to rage/cry/weep. I won't let my W see that side of me. I'm trying for the 4cs; Cool, Calm, Collected and Confident. Not only is it a good DB tactic, and something that I can use outside my R, but I get a small amount of joy knowing it drives my wife crazy.
Yes, I do. I haven't involved my friends in this M drama yet. Think I will contact my oldest and dearest friend this afternoon. She's alot like my WAH, so she will be great for insight. I like that, doing the DB tactics drives the WAW crazy! lol..
S1S, I've hopped over from MLC and read your sitch.
Going dark has been the best way for me to cope and GAL, detach, move on. Not that I've given up, I'm kinda in limbo, not really sure of anything yet, but taking care of me meant not communicating with him.
It gets easier. Never easy, but easier to take. As you gain self respect and confidence in yourself, and that something your H needs to see.
My message to my H has been "I love you, but I don't require you to live".
Hope things get better for you.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
I think that is part of pain/problem.H and I are still in the house- together, but separated in every sense of the word. That is hard for me.
Thanks for the great advice.
I think if I could go dark, I'd be much better off. In fact when H is away from the house, I feel relieved. I am thinking of asking H to leave until I can find a place to move to.This is HIS house, but since he wants out, I might suggest he moves out for awhile. I would stay here, have my surgery end of Sept, recuperate, then move out in Oct or Nov as H has advised he wants me to do.
I have a coaching session tomorrow, will run my idea by Laurie and see what she thinks. I really feel annoyed with myself for being "weak " and emotional with H this morning. H left about three hours ago, so I have had time to work on a 'tude adjustment.
S1S, I can't go fully dark either living with my spouse and having twin 6 year olds. I am learning leave before anyone else and to be going out the door (with kids) when a certain someone enters the door. It may be harder to do living with someone, but easier for them to see daily DB.
If you were separated doing their won thing it might take them a while to notice any changes. I just drafted a plan for my W to expedite out D. Exactly not what I want, but in for a penny in for a pound...I'm trying to set them free on the fastest track possible. Not easy.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
First, kodos for you being on this site.It shows you care and that you "get it".
I understand the fast track thing to D.It truly is the healthiest thing to do for yourself.
I agree.Right now, my mindset is to get an apt and move on. This Limboland is driving me crazy.It's not healthy and why should I try to change when H considers only ME the problem. Let me re-phrase that.I am changing for MYSELF.
I think I am the point of having had enough.But with that being said, an hour from now, I might be crying and feeling like s---t.
The theme running in my head when I am truly aware and not emotional, is why am I trying to CONVINCE H that I am worthy, when he has already checked out of M????
Whatever you can use to motivate yourself in the right direction.