GAG, I think this is great and yes getting it down helps you remember that on this day something positive happened. It takes many days like this to overcome the smallest of negatives and they will come as you well know. So journal away!!! I love to read about these things.
I keep a journal and try to write in it every day. Lately I have been going back and rereading and you can see just how far things have come, at times it is the only thing that keeps me going.
Hope the rest of your weekend is good.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Cas, Yes, XH's LLs are AOS, gifts, and QT. Mine are PT and WOA. XH's work on the house yesterday was his part of a "barter agreement" that we made a couple months ago. He did a good job (just like he would if he still lived here) though. Went above and beyond. If he comes back to help with the patio light........that will be an AOS.
MHL, thanks for your encouragement to journal. I have been watching your situation and wish you the best too as you move forward. Yesterday I read the last 2 months of Lance's sitch on another site and read many of your comments there as well. Keep moving forward.
Regarding my long post yesterday, I think that writing things down facilitated my subconscious thought processes while sleeping, so I just want to share what I realized this morning as I was slowly coming out of sleep..........
First, the foundation for interactions like yesterday, when XH came to the house (the house we had lived in together --- I bought it), was laid about 5 months after the bomb when H/XH first began to drop his angry demeanor. I told him then that he would always be welcome in this house. About 7 months later, when his sister (X-SIL) began reconnecting she told me one day that that meant a lot to her brother. I have always welcomed him into this house.
Second,.....yesterday XH told me that he is beginning to have a fair amount of pain in his knee now even with walking and thinks that he may have no choice but to have a knee replacement sooner, rather than later. I realized as I was coming out of sleep this morning that this must really be making him think about the single life he has chosen. He would be off his feet for 2-3 months if he has surgery. He is co-owner of a small business, so this would dramatically affect his business. In addition, his mother needs a lot of attention and becomes more belligerent (due to Alzheimers) if no one visits regularly. Finally, he lives alone now in a 2 story house. Having to take care of yourself when you can't bear weight is difficult and not fun, especially if you have to navigate 3 levels of a house! 8 years ago I broke my ankle rollerblading and had surgery. I was living alone and couldn't bear weight for 2 1/2 months. The simplest tasks became a tactical nightmare. Grocery shopping, laundry, showers,....and just carrying a beverage from one room to the next ---- impossible to do without spilling on crutches. It was actually this experience that made me decide that I needed to settle down and find a life partner...............
XH is not currently talking to his 30 year BMF so this guy is not a resource currently..........and even if he was, BMF is pretty narcissistic and is not the type to help someone post-operatively. I used to be an ICU nurse and cared for XH after 2 day surgeries while we were together, so he knows that I know what to do with a post-op patient.
........Just thinking that this must be weighing on his mind in some way. It will be interesting to see how this all comes together in the end (kinda like a Seinfeld episode ;-) ).
I was with my husband through 3 surgeries since he returned from Iraq, and one month after he left, he had rod replacement in his spine, and didn't even feel he needed to let me know. I guess OW was taking care of him. For some reason, this hurt my feelings so bad. I guess it was the need to be needed.
I hope your husband is thinking about needing and being needed. I know that isn't a reason you would want as a R, but it's certainly a start.
I'm so sorry that you're having to find your way through your H's fog.
I know a little something about pain management and some of the patients in our clinic are veterans. If your H has had 3 surgeries he may be using a lot of prescription pain killers. These can alter a person's personality if they become dependent on them. If this is the case with your H, it makes me wonder if the OW is helping to enable him in this dependence? Just shooting in the dark here, but I've seen this scenario many, many times. I'm sorry that I haven't read all of your thread, but If your H was injured in Iraq he may have a traumatic brain injury that can alter his moods too.
GAG, You would think pain killers were the problem, but actually, being career Army, he had to be in intense pain to take anything at all. Even the mildest of pain killers.
He did, however, return with PTSD, which he battled with, the sleeplessness and depression for five years. Also keeping that under wraps due to his career in the Army.
My H is due to be retired both medically and in years by the end of this year. He will receive both medical disability and usual retirement. If he is able to work, he will be up for a highly paid military contract work. I think she's using him for that.
PTSD, insomnia, and depression all contribute to chronic pain. Maybe after your H leaves the military he will be willing to seek help for these issues. It seems as though your situation may stall until there is a shift in your H's work situation. However, it is also possible that OW may wear out her welcome. They tend to do that.
Yes, thanks,.....the interaction was good. I am sending XH a thank you e-mail.
I find myself questioning whether XH's basic issues can improve. Don't know if he would be willing to go to IC. When he left he said "I don't know why I don't want to go to MC and I don't know if I will ever know why".
There is much more mental illness in XH's family than I knew about when we fell in love. His mother is a recovering alcoholic and a hoarder (recently this has been attributed to OCD although I think the jury is still out) and his sister has been depressed for 20 years. XH acted REALLY manic when he left.............and in retrospect I question whether XH may have been in a manic phase when we first met. He has never been diagnosed with mental illness and currently he is acting very normally. I have some concern that this may be an issue for him and can't help but wonder if this might rear its ugly head in the future...........I suppose that honest communication is key to sorting this out........but I am confused. From others' posts it sounds as though when piecing begins it takes a fairly long time before the LBS can begin to communicate honestly with the WAS, so I have some concern about these issues lingering if reconciliation occurs.
Does anyone else think that when their WAS dropped the bomb that they acted manic? Is this typical MLC behavior?
IMO, if your XH is not the one seeking IC, then I'm not sure it will do him much good. As the cliche goes, you can lead a horse to water... Your XH has to be the one to want the change. Do you know if he recognize any of his issues?
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I suppose that honest communication is key to sorting this out........but I am confused. From others' posts it sounds as though when piecing begins it takes a fairly long time before the LBS can begin to communicate honestly with the WAS, so I have some concern about these issues lingering if reconciliation occurs.
Again IMO, there is communicating and then there is pushing (I'm really good at pushing!). Communicating isn't bad if you are following the MLCer's lead. Does your H ever talk about issues or your relationship. If he doesn't, can you maybe give him a few prompts to see if it can get him started?
I have to express to you that patience is the key here. Now I say that but you also have to relize that there are people who do get stuck and can't move one direction or the other. You have to be the judge of whether or not there is movement on your XH's part.
In my sitch, I wonder now if I was just another bandaid keeping my H from dealing with his issues. He was comfortable knowing I would be there. As our counselor told us, people need motivation to change and deal with their issues. What do you think would be your XH's motivation?
