I gave up...filed for D

[luvless]

Finally got some down time. I have been avoiding anything that has to do with my divorce IF at all possible. It's kind of hard when you get an email from the enemy. I can't believe I hate to see my former husband's name in my inbox. It used to make me smile....anyway whatever.

I've been through a lot guys. On Wed morning I got a call at 1:30am from my mom crying saying my gma was dying. She has been sick but this was a bad turn for her. I rushed to the hospital and spent 10 hrs there. She died at 8am. It was so sad.

I was tired. I got a $55 ticket at the hospital parking lot and then later got a speeding ticket (was going flow of traffic) How lucky can I get huh? The week before my lawnmower and vacuum broke - my tire popped too and there went $240 on top of everything else. Someone was testing me.

After gma died I was tired and just wanted go home but I decided to take my kids out to lunch. I was fine...tired but fine and then! I get a text from my former husband that says, "I just heard about grams I'm so sorry I loved her too" and then it was like someone socked me in the stomach. That minute my sister calls and says are you ok? I said, "I was fine until I got a text from him." She says, "don't worry luv I will be here for you if he isn't going to be." Then I just couldn't hold it in...I started crying like crazy at the table..tears everywhere. I have never ever done that in my life. Maybe because at that moment my former husband sounded human again...and how he wasn't here for me to cry on his shoulders.

It was everything all coming crashing down at once. My avoidance got to me. I left the restaurant and that's when I got the ticket. I went home and cried myself to sleep. I kept thinking. My gram was so special to me...she is the one who told me, "you are going to marry him." I used to laugh and say, "no I'm not." All I kept thinking was little did I know the death of my marriage would be in 2010. The same year she was going to die. It made me very sad.

I haven't been sleeping too well lately but my sister and other family members came from out of state to visit. It's been nice having everyone around. I have enjoyed the time. The funeral was sad yet it reminded me how important family is. We might not see each other all the time but nothing can replace it.

I'm going to get back to healing. It seems as though I took a little dip and need to spring back up. I feel like just giving up then I snap myself out of it. I always thought I could get through a divorce but I was wrong.

Well I hope this wasn't too long but I wanted to update you on what's been going on with me. My former husband does not want to pay school tuition (or says he can't) and that makes me ill because he is buying himself a new car. I guess what I've been trying to deny this whole time is just the truth - he doesn't care.

I don't expect this down cycle to last long because I'm getting pissed. I refuse to allow someone to make me feel sad. He just isn't worth it.

Luv