Clearly it's not always possible to engage in discussing this in a civilized manner in person with you. Therefore, I am taking the time to write this out in the hopes it will clarify things for you. When our marriage became troubled I took the time to explore marriage therapy, do research, and invite you to do the same. I gave you an opportunity to explore counseling and you took that offer at first, but ONLY as a means to "ease the divorce process", and then threw it away.
When you filed for divorce I gave you the opportunity to live here respectfully with each other until our divorce was final, however you took that offer and chose to continue with online sex chats and other things with several men in secret. I gave and you took without regard to my feelings, or the repercussions of your actions.
Our marriage had problems like any other. I took ownership of my 50% like a mature adult. I am willing to completely own my half of the problems with our marriage, and accept those and a divorce. You terminated counseling, you filed for divorce, you were unfaithful with at least two men, and when I stood up for myself against these insults originating from my own home, you chose to move out. Your "friend" chose to contact me SEVERAL times, and flaunt the details of you visiting him DURING THE SUMMER, which incidentally is before our divorce would have been finalized, and would have violated the "marriage law" you claimed that you will stick to. What I cannot accept in good conscience is my being accused of not being cooperative, nor being spiteful and vindictive. Each step outlined above was your choice made that created enormous conflict to its peak, and make an otherwise civil divorce ugly. I will not have an ugly divorce.
I gave many chances - many chances - and you took those chances and offered scorn in return. I will not be disrespected any further by being called spiteful, vindictive and self-serving. I will live in the home I have lived in, and I will not be forced to move elsewhere until my affairs are settled in the best possible manner. I will live in my home, and will live the lifestyle I choose to live The home will be clean, maintained, and even improved for the chance of sale in the future. Until such time I will live there and I will live the life I chose to - a healthy honest life. A life free of your lies, free of your cheating, and free of your accusations towards me. I gave an offer of monogamous commitment until the divorce was final - I gave and you took - therefore my commitments to you, you forfeited.
You are more than welcome to view the home to ensure it is maintained, but I will not allow you to dictate my lifestyle to me now that you no longer live in the home. Mine has been thus far much healthier, constructive, and honest than yours. Should you chose to visit the house, you can visit between the hours of 10 am and 8 pm and you will make a 24 hour notice beforehand. When you visit you will be polite, you will be honest, and you will control your temper or you will be asked to leave.
Initially, I gave my everything to fight for the Marriage, and to hold our family together. I soul-searched, I looked inward, I went to counseling, and I reached out to others in order to make myself a better, more empathetic, and sociable person. I also paid for couple's therapy, which depleted my insurance account in order to provide a way for both of us to heal this immense pain. However, I was repeatedly and unwillingly placed into this process. With regard toward my stance on the house, none of my actions are intended in any way to cause hurt or pain. I am taking a consistent stand and position that I will remain in the first home of my own until I am able to either refinance and buy you out, or the financial situation is no longer sustainable.
Until that time point, I ask you respect my decision to remain here, just as I have respected your decision to leave both the home and marriage.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
I love that last part about asking her to respect your decision to remain here.
You could add
"I ask that you respect my decision to remain here instead of attacking it, just as I have respected your decision to leave both the home and the marriage."
The only part I would take away above is :
I am taking a consistent stand and position that I will remain in the first home of my own until I am able to either refinance and buy you out, or the financial situation is no longer sustainable.
Don't tell her the "until I am able to either refinance " etc.. You are giving away your plans there... She will taunt you further for that.
I don't know how it works in your state, but here in Canada the buyer of a home is anonymous until after the sale is final... so you can buy your wife's home without her even knowing until she signs an agreement for the sale.
Don't tell her you want to buy teh house or she may hold out longer for a higher price just to spite you.
Just say I will remain in the first home of my own while I may and insist that you respect my choices rather than mocking them like an angry child.. or some such...
You want to draw the point that you are respecting her moving out, but she's acting immaturely by mocking your choice to stay.
Well she did have sex chats, but they were text messages. I just thought I would combine the two men, but I will revise it and add that she had an affair with married man.
Anyway, I was out working on the tan all day while they packed. I came home just now, and they are STILL at it.
ADVICE TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS:
Allen was 100% right about being around while they pack and/or move. If you are not BULLETPROOF and IMMORTAL, you WILL BE LAID OUT.
I THOUGHT I had given them enough time for the day, but I was wrong. I got sunburned as hell at the pool, and just wanted to come home and take a shower. IT SUCKED walking in that door and seeing everything boxed up. Who can't finish a kitchen and bedroom in less than a day? Seriously?
Surprisingly, I didn't fall apart. I am more reverent and nostalgic of the PAST and HISTORY with her than I am hurt. I am watching 9 years of memories walk out the door. It sucks, but I was floored that I didn't lose it. It is like watching my dog pass away 2 weeks ago. I KNOW the final outcome and I wish I could change it, but reality just is what it is. I am sad, but not broken.
That suit of armor Allen really works.
She will be back tomorrow night by herself to finish packing. I am thinking I need to do the BEST 180 I have ever done, just as a going away present for her.
Maybe I can hand deliver the letter to her, or something else.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Hold the letter for a bit yet... Arrange to have some friends over tomorrow for a small get together.
You want her to think you are over her? Then throw a party in the honour of her absence.
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I am thinking about this letter...
What is the objective?
a. To show her you aren't clinging or holding onto the marriage b. To get her to admit to you that you are over her
If your objective is A, I think you have done most everything you can do. If your objective is B I think your wife is way too proud to admit that to you.
I think your wife knows you arne't clinging anymore. I honeslty do. QS, with all due respect to the memory of your wife I think right now she's got borderline narcissism problems galore.
I think right now she thinks she's all that and a side order. I don't think your wife right now in her mental state would admit to you that ANY man doesn't think she is the cats ass.
I think she knows you aren't looney tunes. I think she knows she screwed up. I think she's a bit ashamed of herself.
I don't think she will admit that to you... Most waywards and particularly cheating waywards have a real problem with accountability... It's pretty textbook around here.
I think it was Saffie who said that it took her husband whom she reconciled with a YEAR AFTER the affair was ENDED to even say I love you.
Seriously... Your wife isn't going to admit she messed up, or that she's got doubts bigtime right now. I think she's way too narcissistic to admit anything.
So, what's the point of the letter? For her to know you aren't crazy and pining after her? To get her to admit that fact? I think the letter is pretty damn concise to your position, but I am just wondering what we are trying to achieve here...
I am also considering any possible way this can backfire and your wife can twist this into something to throw at you...
Hold the letter for now until we scruitinize this a bit more...
And of course, the best choice is to pack for her.. which is the one i always reccomend first. I know she caught you with your pants down.. It's all good... but ya i understand its painful... I had to do it myself...
