Half Way There

[MHL]

Hey Punkin,
I don't think I have posted to you before, I feel I have to read someone's entire sitch before I post though, call me a little OCD. I just finished reading this thread I have not gone back to your other thread. I will do it right after I clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush...LOL.

BTW you have a promising career as a standup comedian, you make me laugh.

I saw your post on CNS's thread and I was going to respond over here but after reading your sitch I see where your at this morning. (((((((((hugs))))))))))

We cycle just like our WAS do. As Grit has said so many times this is a process and you are in it, moving through your emotions. The emotions are so painful we want to avoid them shun them and I think by doing so we can make it even worse.

It is completely okay to want your H back and it is okay to still love him. I think we question our sanity when we have these feelings after what our spouses have done to us.

We think to ourselves "what is wrong with me??".

The answer......"nothing, it is normal....completely normal"

I embrace these times myself and let myself fully experience the sadness, grief, loss, pain and anything else I am feeling. I let the feelings wash over me and then eventually they go and I do feel better after.

I am over a year on this and it is getting easier but I still have those moments and they are much shorter and much farther inbetween.

I guess what I am having is a crisis of faith. Despite the hurt, the anger, all the hodge-podge of emotions, I am asking myself what I really want, or should want.

I still love my husband, even though he neither deserves my love or returns it. Even our children are against our reconciliation, not that he has asked for one.

It is okay to ask yourself these questions but I don't think that you need to try to answer those questions yet.

You might be thinking to yourself, "If I make a decision and act on it, maybe these feelings will go away."

Wrong time to be answering these questions much less taking action. You will know when the time is right, it will come with time. When these feelings settle down you will be able to look at things differently but for now you stand b/c you are really not ready to do anything else right now.

Personally, I came to that point a couple of weeks ago where the emotions settled down and I made a decision to stand for my marriage longer. That is not to say that at some point in the future I will not reach a different crossroads and make a different decision.

Here is the other bonus that you get in standing and detaching from the sitch and that is RESPECT. Right now friends and family don't want you to reconcile but in time they will come to respect your decision if you are MOVING FORWARD in your life.

In otherwords if you are LIVING your life and prospering without your H they will see that you are doing fine. When you tell them you are still standing for your marriage, they will understand what unconditional love is. Most people don't know it b/c they have never seen it, when you are living it they will want it and they will respect you for having it.

Hang in there.

Cheers