Well, I took TG's advice, got up, dusted myself off, and drove the 2.5 hour drive to visit with my friend with lymphoma. Stayed with her till about 7:30 p.m. so her sister could go back to her room and get some rest. Didn't get home until 12:30 this morning. She/the situation for her is not looking good, but they won't say anything until all the biopsies are back.
SA & Being, You are so absolutely right. Even traveling to Little Rock yesterday made me face some of my fears. After twenty years, I can't go anywhere that I don't have a memory of "We came here when . . " "That's where we . . . " I think those kinds of memories mean more to a woman than to a man. I've read several threads here where the pain has been caused by the WH taking the OW to a beloved vacation spot, etc. Not that the Zoo is a fantastic memory, but, you know, the time we took our grandson and he rode the train through the park. That kind of thing.
Babysitting for two of my Grandsons today while my D24 is in a wedding. Another grandson is spending the night.
Had a funny thought while driving to LR. If I don't remember typing the note, did I send any emails? Meant to check that. I am one hell of an eloquant drunk.
Again, thanks for the support - it was a rough one.
Been reading and commenting on other people's threads this morning. Thought I'd quit hijacking and move to my own.
I guess what I am having is a crisis of faith. Despite the hurt, the anger, all the hodge-podge of emotions, I am asking myself what I really want, or should want.
I still love my husband, even though he neither deserves my love or returns it. Even our children are against our reconciliation, not that he has asked for one.
I'm getting a different perspective on this as my youngest daughter, who is bipolar, is doing the same thing to her husband as mine did to me. This morning, she has left her husband, claimed that a knot on her son's head came from her H. ( It did not, it happened riding the tricycle while he was with me this morning) I've already told her she has no room to criticise her father.
So I'm left with the eternal question "Would you take him back?" The answer is Yes, even though I feel it should be No. My SIL is in the same boat as I am now, told him to grab an oar.
Punkin - I just responded to you on my thread. The question comes down to "who are you and what do you believe?" You are not a martyr for standing. You are not a loser if you choose to move on. What works for you? I have a pretty strong sense of what is right and wrong for me. But that's for ME only. I would never think twice about someone else's choices. People may look at me like I'm a complete loon after ALL that my H has done. But my vows are that important to me - it's my faith and part of who I am. If years from now H has divorced me and remarried, etc. then I will have to deal with that. But not today. I have a 16 year old son and two daughters in their 20s that I feel like I MUST model for them commitment to marital vows, faith, etc. So for now - that means I'm standing for a few years. I want them to learn about recovery and forgiveness - I want them to think about things in advance - about who they are and what they want.
You are doing GREAT (at least from the outside here:)) - slow down, don't rush - enjoy your family!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I guess what it boils down to is that I want my marriage back, but feel that somehow I shouldn't. I guess it's the old doormat thing.
I have no excuses left for my H. He is an functional alcoholic with PTSD and MLC to boot. A Psychologist wet dream. I'm just tired of the reality I'm living in at the moment. Wish I could fast forward a couple of years, be somewhere else in my life.
I've been divorced before. I know what that is like. I was raising 4 kids by myself when I met my H. He adopted the two youngest. Is my ex's life a pretty picture? No, but he constantly says he doesn't know why we ever got married in the first place, we were so different, so apparently he doesn't feel the divorce was the wrong thing. We are still on friendly terms. He'll help me out in a heartbeat.
Just a very self-questioning few days I've been having.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
I am in the same boat as you. The majority of people in RL are telling me to forget my H, including some of my children. I still love him. It's my business whether I want him or will take him back if/when he wants to return.
It's your choice and your life. Do what you want to do and don't worry about anyone else.
Cycling, that's so funny. That's what my two married friends used to call it when I broke up and changed boyfriends. No, D isn't on meds as she doesn't like the side effects. Now, she has no insurance, and the meds are terribly expensive, even if I could get her to take them. She has apparently involved herself with a 36 yo man ( she's 22) who is the father of 18 month old twins.
As if my life didn't have enough drama as it is! Well, if they break up, maybe I can date him! Jesus please us.
I am going to bring my answers over her to this thread. I hope you don't think I am judging you, because I am not. You asked for a mans perspective and I gave you mine. That is it. Your WH is not acting like an adult. That is clear. I have the same thing in my marriage, my wife is acting like a child and running away. That doesn't mean that I have done everything right either.
IMHO your marriage, the vows you took, should come above "needs". I think you feel that way too! I am sorry that out spouses do not feel that way. It is something that they must learn. If not then they will remain in the crisis a perpetual child, never growing up.
As far as your D22 goes, my D24 is bipolar also. So is my mother. She needs to get on meds. She will not get better with out them. My D24 has been on "abilify" for 3 to 4 years it has made a world of difference. My mother on the other hand goes on and off her meds all the time. She is a mess!
There probably is nothing you can do but if there is, please jump in there with your D22.
Hey Punkin, I don't think I have posted to you before, I feel I have to read someone's entire sitch before I post though, call me a little OCD. I just finished reading this thread I have not gone back to your other thread. I will do it right after I clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush...LOL.
BTW you have a promising career as a standup comedian, you make me laugh.
I saw your post on CNS's thread and I was going to respond over here but after reading your sitch I see where your at this morning. (((((((((hugs))))))))))
We cycle just like our WAS do. As Grit has said so many times this is a process and you are in it, moving through your emotions. The emotions are so painful we want to avoid them shun them and I think by doing so we can make it even worse.
It is completely okay to want your H back and it is okay to still love him. I think we question our sanity when we have these feelings after what our spouses have done to us.
We think to ourselves "what is wrong with me??".
The answer......"nothing, it is normal....completely normal"
I embrace these times myself and let myself fully experience the sadness, grief, loss, pain and anything else I am feeling. I let the feelings wash over me and then eventually they go and I do feel better after.
I am over a year on this and it is getting easier but I still have those moments and they are much shorter and much farther inbetween.
Originally Posted By: punkin
I guess what I am having is a crisis of faith. Despite the hurt, the anger, all the hodge-podge of emotions, I am asking myself what I really want, or should want.
I still love my husband, even though he neither deserves my love or returns it. Even our children are against our reconciliation, not that he has asked for one.
It is okay to ask yourself these questions but I don't think that you need to try to answer those questions yet.
You might be thinking to yourself, "If I make a decision and act on it, maybe these feelings will go away."
Wrong time to be answering these questions much less taking action. You will know when the time is right, it will come with time. When these feelings settle down you will be able to look at things differently but for now you stand b/c you are really not ready to do anything else right now.
Personally, I came to that point a couple of weeks ago where the emotions settled down and I made a decision to stand for my marriage longer. That is not to say that at some point in the future I will not reach a different crossroads and make a different decision.
Here is the other bonus that you get in standing and detaching from the sitch and that is RESPECT. Right now friends and family don't want you to reconcile but in time they will come to respect your decision if you are MOVING FORWARD in your life.
In otherwords if you are LIVING your life and prospering without your H they will see that you are doing fine. When you tell them you are still standing for your marriage, they will understand what unconditional love is. Most people don't know it b/c they have never seen it, when you are living it they will want it and they will respect you for having it.
Hang in there.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
