Long Distance Issues.....Possible WAW

[Dazed&Confused]

PDT/TH,

You both are right, it makes perfect sense when I read it. "Co-dependency" is a word I have only learned about from these forums. To be honest, I do not even know if I understand it. The more I have read on it, the more it makes me realize that this is/will be my main problem moving forward.

You are right, I have complete control over myself and my actions. I guess I was always used to believing that I had control over everything. If I tried, willed, worked, loved hard enough, I could make things work. It is going to be hard concept for me to grasp the truth. I know that I can't make her love me, and that is what hurts.

Maybe I am too scared to face that. I knew that things were not right between us before I left. I guess its easy to see that now. I wanted to believe that we have gone through everything these last 13 years. I guess I assumed too much. That if I was still in love with her, if would still do anything to save our marriage, should would too.

I have to continually remind myself that I am only responsible for my own feelings, my own actions, you are right about that. I don't know if it's arrogance, or just the man in me, but I feel like I am a failure for the way she feels. That I am responsible, got too comfortable in our relationship. I thought I was past the guilt, but I am obviously not.

I thought I could control my feelings, and suck it up. I thought I was becoming numb to this whole process, but these stupid emotions continue to surface at random. Maybe I am not as strong as I thought.

It's easy to talk a tough game for a few minutes, the hard part is maintaining this. Then I look at a calander and realize that I have barely begun this journey. How people can do this for months and years is beyond me. I have only been doing this for a couple of weeks.

I need to figure a way to be strong. I need to figure out how to completely detach from this and I do not know how. My wife and my two kids were my life. I dropped too many friends along the way. Made too many excuses, used my "family" obligations. What does it say for a man that would give up everything, to concentrate on his family, and still fail at that?

This is what is on my mind the most these days.