Long Distance Issues.....Possible WAW

[Dazed&Confused]

PDT/TH,

You both are right, it makes perfect sense when I read it. "Co-dependency" is a word I have only learned about from these forums. To be honest, I do not even know if I understand it. The more I have read on it, the more it makes me realize that this is/will be my main problem moving forward.

You are right, I have complete control over myself and my actions. I guess I was always used to believing that I had control over everything. If I tried, willed, worked, loved hard enough, I could make things work. It is going to be hard concept for me to grasp the truth. I know that I can't make her love me, and that is what hurts.

Maybe I am too scared to face that. I knew that things were not right between us before I left. I guess its easy to see that now. I wanted to believe that we have gone through everything these last 13 years. I guess I assumed too much. That if I was still in love with her, if would still do anything to save our marriage, should would too.

I have to continually remind myself that I am only responsible for my own feelings, my own actions, you are right about that. I don't know if it's arrogance, or just the man in me, but I feel like I am a failure for the way she feels. That I am responsible, got too comfortable in our relationship. I thought I was past the guilt, but I am obviously not.

I thought I could control my feelings, and suck it up. I thought I was becoming numb to this whole process, but these stupid emotions continue to surface at random. Maybe I am not as strong as I thought.

It's easy to talk a tough game for a few minutes, the hard part is maintaining this. Then I look at a calander and realize that I have barely begun this journey. How people can do this for months and years is beyond me. I have only been doing this for a couple of weeks.

I need to figure a way to be strong. I need to figure out how to completely detach from this and I do not know how. My wife and my two kids were my life. I dropped too many friends along the way. Made too many excuses, used my "family" obligations. What does it say for a man that would give up everything, to concentrate on his family, and still fail at that?

This is what is on my mind the most these days.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Suggested reading:


Co-Dependent No More, by Beattie

[pinhead]

Second that book. Not all of it applied to me, but too much did for me to deny.

D&C, you can't control your emotions. Just accept them, learn to roll with them, but don't let them change your actions. What you do, what you think is based on your values, who you are. Not how you feel. Today I'm as hot as a pistol at my W, but I'm not going to let her see that. I'm going to smile when she comes home, set one hell of a boundary that I should have set 11 years ago, then go to sleep.

Being strong isn't acting like John Wayne and not having any emotions. Spock doesn't live here. We do. Being strong is choosing the Right Thing To Do, even when it hurts like hell. It's sacrificing for your family when needed, for friends, and yes even sometimes for a STBXW when it's the right thing to do.

What we're all learning here is how to know ourselves enough under incredible stress so that we can determine What The Right Thing is. This is our crucible.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

There's nothing wrong with feeling all of your emotions. Just make sure you're not making DECISIONS by them.

Puppy

[Dazed&Confused]

Thanks guys. I appreciate the advice and the book recommendation. I am getting swamped in my reading these days. I have DB and DR I'm trying to get through. I have a "happiness" book on my wish list and now a co-dependancy to add.

If it were only that easy, just read them and all of my answers would come! I am starting feel overwhelmed. There is so much info to process, it's hard to find a path and stick to it. I am trying though.

I had a great conversation with my son yesteday. He has his first loose tooth and told me that I needed to call him everyday. I asked him why, and his response was "because Daddy, what happens if I lose my tooth and you don't call that day?" That little statement brought me so much joy, and sort put some things into perspective for me. No matter how bad the "big" things in life seem, the "little" things are what is important. I think that set me up for a good night, and I didn't have many issues sleeping for the first time in a while. So that is a positive.

I am not sure what is going to happen next. The wife said she wanted to know my decision on the lawyers by Wednesday. I guess I will see when Wednesday gets here. I am going to respond with what Puppy suggested.

"Let me be clear. This divorce is YOUR idea, not mine. It's still not what I want. I'm not going to FIGHT you on it, other than to make sure me and our kids are protected and treated fairly, but I'm NOT going to speed things along just to meet YOUR deadline, either. This is your deal, and I'm going to be as careful as I need to be."

It sums my feelings up perfectly. I really want to get to get a parenting plan worked out and agreed upon. That will be my recommendation. It is my first priority, and if she wants to continue with moving forward, it will have to be on my terms. Once we have that worked out, I really don't care what comes next. It looks like I will be paying an arm and leg for child support regardless if I am taking care of the kids half of the time. I will figure something out.

I plan on staying positive, at least those are my feelings at the moment. I try and remind myself that I am only in control myself and it does help a little.

As far as sacrificing goes, I agree for the most part. I have done it with friends and I get that. With the wife, I am slowing learning that with the way she feels towards me, it may be best for me to sacrifice. I just do not see how it is in the best interest for our children. There are just too many negatives.

I know that raising kids in a negative environment is not a good thing. But that is what is driving me crazy. The environment we have our kids in is/was a good one. We never fought in front of them, or even yelled. Yes, we have our issues like any other couple, but we are not even trying. She does not want to. I understand that this is her choice, her feelings. I just do not understand how she can think that this is in the best interest of our kids. Maybe she doesn't, who knows?

Thanks again for the advice

[TimeHeals]

As far as sacrificing goes, I agree for the most part. I have done it with friends and I get that. With the wife, I am slowing learning that with the way she feels towards me, it may be best for me to sacrifice. I just do not see how it is in the best interest for our children. There are just too many negatives.

I don't understand this paragraph. Sacrifice? You're not a martyr. We repeatedly tell you to protect yourself and your children. Not once has anybody recommended that you martyr yourself.

Giving up on trying to control somebody else or taking back control of yourself does not involve sacrifice. You never had control of anybody else, and nobody else controlled you. We are asking you to understand that: self-control, controlling yourself is the one thing you CAN do.

You can't pick and choose the events that you must respond to in your life, but you can determine how you will respond to them. You can let your emotions drive your responses (prisons are full of people who do this all of the time), or you can let your principles determine your actions.

Your emotions--the anger, sadness, joy, frustration, discontentment, contentment, and so on--are perfectly OK. Go ahead and feel ALL of them, but your actions do not need to be driven by your emotions. It's OK to feel emotions and even to share what you are feeling (e.g. right now I am angry, and I'll get back to you when I have had time to think about this), but it's not OK to act on your emotions (e.g. I punched you in the face because you made me mad).

See? We are asking you to Think before you act, and then act according to your principles as if God himself were there with you watching what you do.

How is your GAL going?

You have a regular fitness routine and nutrition program?

You sleeping well?

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

On a flight, the attendents tell you to put on your oxygen mask first before you try to help anybody else, so... are you taking care of YOU?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

D&C,

I hope you will read . . . and RE-read . . . and re-RE-read -- that post from TimeHeals. Because not only is it GREAT advice, but I suspect that your one paragraph that he picked out -- and his advice about it -- may hold the "KEY" to your sitch.

It's what I was hinting at in my "co-dependent" observation. There's something emotionally unhealthy about your attitude toward your wife and your marriage. That's not a criticism; just a very important observation.

Puppy

[Dazed&Confused]

I understand this, I really do. To this point, I have not let my emotions dictate my actions. My wife and I have been nothing but cordial when we talk. I think that is one of my problems. I feel like she may think that I am burying my head in the sand,hoping it will all go away. I know that I can't mind read, even to myself, I don't feel like I am trying to fight for her. She stopped saying I love you and doesn't where her wedding ring any longer. I don't pursue, and have stopped saying I love you as well. It just feel like there is nothing left.

What I don't understand is what my next move is? With things being so "nice" between us, my only option is to move forward with the divorce, and that is hard for me. I can't help be feel like I am giving up. What I meant by sacrifce as far as my M goes is giving up my wants and wishes. By doing nothing and proceeding with the divorce, it feels like I am sacrificing my wants of working on my marriage so that we can an amicable divorce. I do not want to play the martyr, but by doing nothing other than the necessary paperwork for divorce, it feels like it. I am sorry I am not making a lot of sense. It's not exactly crystal clear in my mind either.

How is your GAL going?

I guess it really depends on your definition. I work 12hrs a day and am on a small military base. There is not a lot to do. I do go the gym every other day. I love reading and is something I never had time to do back home. So I am doing a lot of that. I brought my facebook account back to life, and that has allowed me to get reacquainted with some old friends. That has helped my mood out a lot. Other than that not much. I do not have a lot of time left in the day to fill to be honest. It's kind of hard, but I am managing.

You have a regular fitness routine and nutrition program?

I have been running on the treadmill and eliptical machine a lot. It helped me sleep for a while, but it is not having the same effect as it used to.

You sleeping well?

Not really.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Well, I talk to my son as often as I can. That helps a lot. Like I said, I really enjoy reading, and have been doing that to take my mind off of things. I have been talking to family, and they have been supportive. I'm exercising, and eating right which something I let slip for a little while. I am really trying to do positve things for me. It makes me feel better for a little while, but it never lasts.

Then when my wife emails me and is all nice, and we chit chat back and forth like nothing is wrong, I almost forget. Then it hits me and I get mad at myself for falling victim to it. I mean she is getting a box together of stuff I need to send out to me. This is the same woman who told me she was done and wants a divorce ASAP. It just doesn't make any sense to me in my head. I almost wish she was mean and vindictive so it would feel more right to me.

I appreciate the post TH, I really do. Learning the lesson of "you are only in control of yourself" is going to be hard, but I do appreciate the reminder. I have been trying. I have not let my emotions get the best of me. To be honest, I haven't lost my cool or yelled once. I did have to kill one of our Skype sessions so I could regain myself, and blamed it on the internet connection. I am actually proud of how I have held my emotions in check while dealing with the W.

It's my emotions when I am by myself that I am not proud of. I have a good day or two and think that I am making progress, and then rock bottom comes flying out of nowhere. I am trying though. And I know that I cannot wish this divorce away. If she wants it, it will be done. I guess its up to me on how that process will go.

And Puppy, I will re-read it over and over again. I have already added it to my divorce101 document of helpful reading.

[TimeHeals]

It's my emotions when I am by myself that I am not proud of. I have a good day or two and think that I am making progress, and then rock bottom comes flying out of nowhere.

It's rough, I know. It will make you stronger emotionally and mentally, however, if you embrace what is happening, and deal with it all in the best way you can.

MY W filed for divorce. It should have been final already, but it was delayed at one point by her, and I have no idea if it will be arriving in the mail any day now or not.

I know she invited me to her appt to go swimming yesterday, and it was really hot, so I took her up on that because it sounded nice. We went to dinner Friday and she paid her share. Are things improving with us? We are certainly better company to one another, but who knows what the future holds? It's like dating with us: will there be a third date? I guess it depends on how we both feel about that.


My point is... when you let go... you really don't know what is going to happen, but you do get to choose how you respond.

[pinhead]

Wise words, TH.

When we were all single, we embraced the uncertainty of life, the spice as you will. Now we find we cling to a false certainty, of what we thought we had.

D&C - are you happy with your current sitch? If not, lead. Decide based on your values what you want, then determine the steps you need to take to achieve these goals.