My thinking is very simple on this...I refuse to talk to her about the two of us when there are 3 of us. Otherise, he is at least nothing more than insurance for her, and at most, well, I try not to think about it. She simply will not let him go, even though I think she thinks she should...of course this only seems to really happen at times the emotion hits her hard, like when she really misses my daughter. She has been seeing an IC for a fairly long time, probably 5 months now...but obviously we're still at this point and not happily reconciling.
Kart Man,
It sounds like you're seeing things clearly. Your wife -- like most wayward women -- want to keep two "plates" spinning (you and OM) on her two sticks, for as long as she possibly can. She's simply trying to spin yours up right now; I'm glad you're not buying it.
One thing you could possibly do to call her bluff: offer that IF she does the things that Newmama outlines above (no-contact letter, full transparency, MCing (with someone who specializes in infidelity), etc., then you will CONSIDER putting the divorce on a temporary 3-month "stay," but you're "not even sure about THAT."
And see what she says. I suspect that she'll never even agree to the terms, in which case you'll know that she wasn't sincere, and you'll have your answer.
Your wife has it precisely BACKWARDS. It's not "let me come back to the marriage, and I'll give up my gambling addiction." It's "Give up your gambling addiction, and get some help, and when you've been healthy for a period of time (say, six months), we can talk about possibly reconciling."
