I'm not going to respond to the deadline. To be honest, i feel like she has shifted a lot of the divorce work onto me.
I do not want this divorce! Any suggestions on how to approach this subject when she brings up the lawyer? I want this marriage to work, but it is very apparent that she does not want to put in any work towards it.
I can't do this by myself, and I have done a "pretty" decent job of dropping the rope. I haven't brought R talk at all. We have talked about it twice, both times she brought it up. That got me to thinking. Nothing productive came out of either of those conversatons other than "this is how I truly feel. I truly feel that both of us will be better off in the end." That she has been trying, and is now not willing to try any longer. No reasons. It kills me.
I am ready to let her go if that is what she truely wants. Like I have heard on here so many times, who wants to be with someone who does not love them. It is just hard for me for me to give up on my family. Not just her, but sometimes I feel like I am giving up on myself and my kids too.
There are so many variables at stake, and I do not want to ruin my future because of false hope. I know dropping the rope, no R talk, continueing "as if" is all part of the plan. I can't help but to ask myself "what if she is waiting for me to fight for her". I know that it is a trap, and I try to remind myself of that, but nothing is changing.
If things continue at this pace, I will be divorced within two months. I know that it will be ultimately up to me to agree, and it really can't forward unless I do, but that sends me back to the "do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you" delinma. It sucks.
I can't cut her off from money because she has to take care of my kids. I can't ask her to move out because I am not even in my house. I can't ask her to work on our marriage because I'm not there. Is there anything that I CAN do? I do not see a way out of this, and this helplessness always seems to creep on me no matter what.
Deep down I know that I am not just losing my wife/BF, but I will be losing half of my kids lives. I know that I have said that a hundred times in this thread, but that is just unfathomable to me. And to top it off, it's not even my freaking decision.
Crunching number and working my budget has helped me pass the time, but it has also made my whole sitch that much more real. I am sorry for the doom and gloom. It just looks like it is one of those times for me right now.
Me:33 W: 31 M: 8 T: 13 S: 6 D: 8 months The Bomb 7/22/10 "I can't do this anymore, I'm done" http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048765&page=1
That's where aggressively affair-busting, and a hardball legal stance can earn you "points," even if she doesn't act like she concedes them at the time.
That question is the one of the reasons I have a hard time with the "letting them go" approach (altho make no mistake, it DOES work). Depending on your past marital style, and any LEGITIMATE past relationship complaints she may have (example: "He's too passive, and doesn't assert himself often enough"), it MAY backfire if you just let them go.
Yet, when she's wayward, you can't PURSUE her.
To me, the "solution" is to fight the divorce with everything you've got -- LEGALLY and AFFAIR-BUSTING-wise.
As for this:
Quote:
I'm not going to respond to the deadline. To be honest, i feel like she has shifted a lot of the divorce work onto me.
I do not want this divorce! Any suggestions on how to approach this subject when she brings up the lawyer? I want this marriage to work, but it is very apparent that she does not want to put in any work towards it.
you should say something like:
(in your best President Obama impersonation) "Let me be clear. This divorce is YOUR idea, not mine. It's still not what I want. I'm not going to FIGHT you on it, other than to make sure me and our kids are protected and treated fairly, but I'm NOT going to speed things along just to meet YOUR deadline, either. This is your deal, and I'm going to be as careful as I need to be."
That's where aggressively affair-busting, and a hardball legal stance can earn you "points," even if she doesn't act like she concedes them at the time.
That question is the one of the reasons I have a hard time with the "letting them go" approach (altho make no mistake, it DOES work). Depending on your past marital style, and any LEGITIMATE past relationship complaints she may have (example: "He's too passive, and doesn't assert himself often enough"), it MAY backfire if you just let them go.
Yet, when she's wayward, you can't PURSUE her.
To me, the "solution" is to fight the divorce with everything you've got -- LEGALLY and AFFAIR-BUSTING-wise.
As for this:
Quote:
I'm not going to respond to the deadline. To be honest, i feel like she has shifted a lot of the divorce work onto me.
I do not want this divorce! Any suggestions on how to approach this subject when she brings up the lawyer? I want this marriage to work, but it is very apparent that she does not want to put in any work towards it.
you should say something like:
(in your best President Obama impersonation) "Let me be clear. This divorce is YOUR idea, not mine. It's still not what I want. I'm not going to FIGHT you on it, other than to make sure me and our kids are protected and treated fairly, but I'm NOT going to speed things along just to meet YOUR deadline, either. This is your deal, and I'm going to be as careful as I need to be."
Puppy
PDT, not to hijack D&C's thread, but your reply is one of wrestled with for weeks now. I've been neglectful of my wife. That's her only real complaint. So letting her go, not fighting for her, is only reinforcing that view of me. My counselor said that my W wants someone to fight for her. How the h#ll can I do that if I let her go? There hasn't been anyone else, just me slowly letting things wither.
I know what you mean. It seems like the more I reamain upbeat, don't pursue, "as if", the faster she is moving away. I am trying to trust the system, but it is hard. I know that I don't want beg and plead, that it looks weak, and to be honest I don't feel like doing it. But how do you talk logic into someone who doesn't want to listen?
I am trying to remain strong with her. I am being nice, acting like nothing is bothering me. She even emailed me yesterday about getting a new carseat for our daughter. That transfromed into emails to me about not worrying, she had a stroller for me to use once she was gone, and that she would keep her eyes open for a carseat for me. I just responded with a "That would be great" but it killed me. How in the world is someone supposed to respond to that?
I am still not sleepy worth a crap. I had a dream last night that we were together and she finally woke up. She wanted me back. I swear to God that I sat straight up in bed with my heart beating out of my chest. I was like being woke up by a nightmare but the opposite. It took me hours to fall back asleep. The worst part about it is that I felt ashamed afterwards. Like I shouldn't have let that happen. So I know that my mind is severely confused. Deep down, I am still in a lot of pain, but on the outside, I am trying to convince myself that everything will be alright.
It's a tough battle, but hopefully we will be stronger from it. At least that is my hope anyways.
Puppy,
Thanks for the PBO speech. That was exactly what I was looking for. It sums up everything that I am feeling right now. Even throws in a reminder of my feelings. I really do appreciate the help with this!
D&C
Me:33 W: 31 M: 8 T: 13 S: 6 D: 8 months The Bomb 7/22/10 "I can't do this anymore, I'm done" http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048765&page=1
I used to say I would give a lot for sx with my wife, but I'd give more for a good night's sleep. And that's saying a lot. Last night I woke up as usual around 1am, and had a hard time falling back to sleep. And one thought came to mind; it's going to be so long til I have sex; I won't date while separated, not my style. So that's one year. From separation til divorce is another state mandated year. And then after that, I'm really not going to want to date seriously for at least 6 months or so. So this could be the dry spell to beat all dry spells. Oh well.
Oh, and that dream you had? Had it twice. Worst thing in the world, because my first thought upon waking is "She's still leaving me..."
You are exactly right. I do not think my divorce will take as long to complete though. My state does not have any of those requirements, and my wife appears to want this done as quick and civil as possible.
Like Puppy said though, I do not want this. I will try and give her what she wants as long as it is in the best interest of me and my kids. The hard part of that is, I know that saving my marriage is what would be best. It's a very slippery slope and I can't stand to be on it.
Back to dream for a minute though. I thought the exact same thing. I think that is why I had such a hard time going back to sleep. I actually got up and checked my freaking email. Just when I think I am doing better, I have a night like this.
I know what you mean about the sex. I am so emotionally dettached right now, I can't even think about it. I know that people always say rash things like "i don't know if i will ever date again" but I can say now that I know what they are feeling. I wouldn't be able to date while in seperation either, there is nothing wrong with that. I would have to wait just like you. The sad thing is, even with all of your time tables, you may beat me to it my friend!
It will be a long time before I right again. I will not venture down that path until I am. That I am sure of. I will concentrate on getting my finances in order somehow, and the rest of my time will be spent on raising my kids. That is my plan. I think the rest will just have to come with time.
Just know that you aren't alone in this, and thanks for checking on my thread. It helps to know that there are others out there in the same boat as us.
Last edited by Dazed&Confused; 08/08/1012:24 PM.
Me:33 W: 31 M: 8 T: 13 S: 6 D: 8 months The Bomb 7/22/10 "I can't do this anymore, I'm done" http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048765&page=1
I know that saving my marriage is what would be best.
Not as it stands with a wife that is hell-bent on divorce.
Quote:
It will be a long time before I [am] (sic) right again
Perhaps, perhaps not. You don't really know (and never did) what the future holds.
Quote:
I will not venture down that path until I am. That I am sure of.
Good. Rebound relationships are just more potential grief to you or whoever you have them with. Empathy dictates that dating with the hope of "using" somebody is just not good. Be careful if you do date, however, because "users" are the norm and not the exception especially as you get older.
Quote:
Like Puppy said though, I do not want this. I will try and give her what she wants as long as it is in the best interest of me and my kids. The hard part of that is, I know that saving my marriage is what would be best. It's a very slippery slope and I can't stand to be on it.
This isn't what you wanted, but fighting (reasoning, trying to woo her over, etc) your wife is not going to change the way she feels, and she is acting on her feelings. Her feelings, your feelings (and the feelings of any readers reading this) will change, though, so we usually recommend you let principles dictate your actions, and not your feelings.
She is pulling away, she wants divorce, you give her what she wants happily. Seriously, it's not as bad as you think. One way or another you are going to be fine... more than fine really.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Thanks TH. I need a dose of reality sometimes. You are right, my marriage as it stands right now is not something that I would consider as being for the best. I have to keep on reminding myself of that fact.
And yes, it is hard to know what the future holds, a very true statement. I can predict odds though. The odds of my wife and I getting back together, slim. The odds of our standards of living remaining the same, slimmer. The odds of me making a quick recovery over this, even slimmer. I try not to look to the future, but that is all I have right now. I do not have my kids to play with everyday, or even a dettached wife to be angry with me. All I have is what lies ahead, and it doesn't look good. I am not saying that it won't be good, that is a possibility, not just a good one.
As far as the wifes feelings. I am slowly learning that lesson. I know that they are hers. It's just that I am used to being the one who would make her happy (feelings) or sad (feelings) or angry (feelings). So my logic tries to dictate that if I was responsible for any or all of those, then I should be able to do it again. Does that make sense? I guess I am not used to feeling helpless, and that is exactly what I am right now.
With that being said, I have read on here to do what works. Stop doing stuff that doesn't work. How do you know when to change, and how to change. I have remained strong on the outside with the exception of when the bomb was dropped on me. We had one R talk after and that is it. To this date, it seems like she has done nothing but continue her plan towards divorce, and seems quite happy with it. I have matched her attitude, and have been nothing but gracious when we talk or email. (with a couple of exceptions in one email)
When do I decide that this isn't working? When and what do I try to do differently? If I keep this up, the papers will be filed and we will be divored 31 days after. Its hard to make any sense out of it is all.
I guess it all comes down to you can't stop them if this is what they truely want. No matter how much you are against it.
Me:33 W: 31 M: 8 T: 13 S: 6 D: 8 months The Bomb 7/22/10 "I can't do this anymore, I'm done" http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048765&page=1
As far as the wifes feelings. I am slowly learning that lesson. I know that they are hers. It's just that I am used to being the one who would make her happy (feelings) or sad (feelings) or angry (feelings). So my logic tries to dictate that if I was responsible for any or all of those, then I should be able to do it again. Does that make sense? I guess I am not used to feeling helpless, and that is exactly what I am right now.
