Thanks, NB. I really appreciate your long posts and thoughts.
I still do most of the things I did when I was younger. The only thing I really stopped doing was volleyball and I don't do as much with friends as I used to. I will be more social when I find friends here. I'm definitely going to check out meetup. I've never heard of that before. I have some very good friends I talk with on the phone regularly and I am very close with my husband's family. I know people say not to bring family into this stuff but they love me and my husband and have been very supportive. Not one person has every been divorced in his family.
My husband was in the midst of his affair when I was getting IC. My counselor felt as though he really loved me but she thought he had a lot of personal issues to work through and that he was an alcoholic and that I might have to let him go to work on those things. I think she felt I was too together to be with someone who had so many issues.
My husbands complaints about me have been that I don't follow a budget so that's why one of my 180's is to learn about finances. He also says I don't listen very well which is true and I'm working hard on that. I'm pretty impatient and tend to interupt people. Another complaint is that I yell at the kids too much and I do that mostly out of stress because he hasn't helped much with raising them and raising 5 kids can be stressful! especially when I also work. I'm really working on that and have been much better since I've been here.
H is not seeing or taking the kids at all. He pops in about once a week for dinner. I'm totally baffled. He is the one who wanted a large family and he loves and adores them. I think he is so lost and confused right now that he doesn't even realize that he hasn't been helping me or seeing them. I've been here two months and he took one of my daughters on a daddy date for her birthday and that's it.
He was pretty upset when I told him he was free. He says he loves me and he is sorry he has been acting like an a$$ and has been hurting me. I definitely don't want my marriage to end. I really love him. It's just so hard to be in limbo and part of me thinks I need to let him go in order for him to realize what he is doing. We did not have a rocky marriage. We were genuinely good friends and enjoyed each other's company. We have had to live apart for an entire year and I think it gave my husband so much time to sit and think and dwell about his life. He is really miserable and I don't think he knows how to get out of his pit and enjoy his life again. He is trying to figure out why he is miserable and I am the easiest person to blame.
I reread DR today, especially the act as if part. I get it better after reading it the second time. We are supposed to act as if our spouses are going to respond in a positive way instead of a negative way because the way we approach them can impact their behavior. I've been guilty of that for sure. I tend to mind read too and am usually way off base....need to stop that.
