I guess I will tell my story. Sorry if I don't use some of the abbreviations as it will take me awhile to remember all of them.
Earlier this year my wife was begging me to go to MC with her. I was reluctant as I always thought that if we had some problems that we could work them out together. In early May she broke down and told me how unhappy she was with the relationship and that we might have to divorce. I was devistated. Sure I knew that there were things I could change about me in our relationship, but to hear my wife describe how unhappy she really was...it really broke my heart. I promised myself that I owe it to my wife to work harder on things and to show her that I really can change for the better.
Around this time my wife had a male friend who was a coworker of hers and a friend of her brothers. One night we all went out to dinner together and I felt disrespected by the friend giving my wife a shoulder massage. She acted like there was nothing wrong with it as they are just friends and it only lasted a minute or two. My wife recently became a massage therapist and started to have this new friend as a regular client. She started asking me everyday if I had a problem with it and I told her no as I trusted her, but then I started to realize that she might be hiding something because she asked about it all the time. Then I find out that instead of getting massages that she was exchanging her services for lunch/dinner dates. I told her that I had a problem with that, but she acted like she could run her business the way she wanted to and assured me that it wasn't a problem because her brother would be going with most of the time.
We started to fight about him all the time. He would start calling her in the morning for a wake-up call to go to work, he would call her when she was on her way home. It got so bad that everytime he called she would lie to me even though I knew for a fact that it was him. we fought so much that in early June we slept in different rooms. On June 11th, I agreed to a separation and moved out of the house. Our terms would be that it would be a short separation while we tried to work on our problems and that hopefully we would be back together soon.
Everything seemed to be going okay with the separation even though I was an emotional wreck and would cry constantly. For the next month we would get together and even were intimate twice. She had some major surgery done on July 12th and didn't want me to be there for her surgery even though I wanted to be. I knew that the OM would be seeing her everyday and it bothered me knowing that he would know her room number before I did. She was in the hospital for 4 days and I visited her everyday when I got off of work for about an hour or two. I was crushed to find out that on her third day in the hospital that he bought her a single pink rose. She hates flowers and drills me anytime I bought some for her, but she acted like this one was special to her. I knew that I was outdone again. Later on that same night I find out that the OM was spending the night at our house when she was in the hospital. The day she got out, he spent the night again. He spends the night 5-6 times a week. I know that a strong EA has been going on and she refuses to tell him he can't spend the night. I told her that it is very disrespectful to me to have another guy spending the night with here in our house during our separation. She thinks it's okay because they sleep in other rooms. She refuses to ever let me spend the night or see her when the OM is around.
Being at my wits end I decided to go to the same MC she went to without me. I had an appointment in mid-June a few days after she was released from the hospital. The MC told me that there was nothing wrong with her friendship and the only reason why it exists is because of me and our lack of communication. Our communication started to break down when she discovered text messaging about 2 years ago. All she does it talk or text on the phone. Everytime I got home from work she would talk on the phone for hours instead of talking to me. She complained that I stayed up all night to play videogames, which is true but only because I couldn't sleep with her because her phone would ring or beep all night long and she would always respond to whoever it was. We couldn't even go to lunch or a dinner/movie date without her on the phone.
Now I understand that I wasn't a perfect husband. She makes more money than I do and there were times when I wasn't there for her emotionally. I got comfortable in our relationship where I went to work 8-16 hours a day and didn't do many household chores at all. Being self-employed and the only employee of a retail store I felt that she could do the household chores since she only worked about 3 hours a day. I'm sure she gave me hints, but I really didn't get them until it was too late.
She refused to go to MC with me and now has decided that the best interest for her is for us to get divorced and then start dating all over again. I get the line that she loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore. She wants to divorce and then date and be excited everytime I come over. I think she wants to divorce to be free to date others. However she thinks that since we are separated that we are free to date others and that a separation means that we can't get together and do things or even stay the night together. I have another MC meeting with the same MC on Aug 18th (took 3 weeks to get in to see him). I don't know what to do. I try to stay strong and haven't really mentioned the OM that much anymore since it solves nothing. But I still find myself crying everyday and even in the past few months though suicidal thoughts.
To top things off yesterday she went to the doctor because she had a lump in her throat. The doctor told her it was a blood clot and that he never seen a case like it before. She wasn't happy and went for a second opinion and got devistating news. She won't tell me about it and I'm afraid it's cancer. I even woke her up last night to tell her that she didn't have to tell me what it was, but I'm her husband and if there was a time she needed me most would probably be right now, and assured her that I was there for her. Unfortunatly she still won't talk about it.
I don't want to give up on my marriage even though she has thrown in the towel. I feel that it's unfair that she won't work on our problems during the separation like was agreed upon. I try not to think about the OM, but can't help it. I even told her that it's okay for him to come over but he should't stay after midnight and she refuses. A few days ago I went to the library and borrowed the Divorce Remedy book. It is a great read so far, but unfortunatly I don't think it will work in my situation as I've tried just about everything. Wish I could get her to read it as it decribes our situation perfectly.
Well sorry for the long first post. I just feel trapped and really don't want to lose my marriage. We've been married for almost 8 years and have been together for more than 10. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading this whole mess.
