Surviving the Big D STINKS!

[Mrs. A]

So Meetup guy was nice- when you say you don't want anything physical, do you mean you don't find yourself attracted?

Yep, no spark. Not physically attracted. I talked about Slowburn awhile back and how he was the first person I've felt a spark with in ages (besides Mr. A, of course). It's a physical and mental thing for me - I can find someone physically attractive without feeling a spark but I can't feel a spark without finding someone physically attractive, kwim?

Or you won't be sleazy like me and make out with strange men?

HA! I already DID that with Mr. A - he's DEFINITELY a strange man!!!

hey, I lost a few cards in the deck from this whole DBing fiasco!

Join the club!

[newmama]

It's a physical and mental thing for me - I can find someone physically attractive without feeling a spark but I can't feel a spark without finding someone physically attractive, kwim?

YES I do.

Now just be upfront that you are dating casually so that you don't accidentally lead the men on. I bet you already know that, though!;)

[Mrs. A]

At the moment, I'm not worried about Meetup or anyone else. I think I might have done a good deed today and I'm kind of proud of myself.

My mechanic is like a member of my family but he started getting funky when my mom (THANKS,MOM!) told him about the D. I had NOT mentioned it to him before.

So I thanked him for fixing Mama's car AGAIN and NOT making it an ordeal in which I had to come pick her up 30 miles away while I was TRYING to have a ME day. (Via text, which is his preferred mode of communication.)

I just said: "Thanks for fixing the granny car again. Mama'll beat on it til it's dead!"

Then Mechanic texted back to ask if I "was ok". Note: I have not told him a WORD about my sitch, but my mother (who also takes her car to him and breaks her car on a pretty regular basis) evidently spilled.

I said: "Yep, hangin in but pissed at Mr. A. Go give Jessica (his SO) some love!"

Those weren't my exact words but that was the jist. End result? He stopped texting me back! This from the text king!

So I hope Mechanic and his honey are having a wonderful time tonight. I want o encourage that kind of thing among others more often! Whatever happened with those two, I feel good that I sent out a strong message to MC to "romance" Jessica (and to appreciate what he HAS!).

Now I guess I kind of get why so many people go into social work after a life-changing event! I'm not doing that - DEFINITELY - but I will try always to tell someone to love the one they're with. That did feel good.

[newmama]

So I hope Mechanic and his honey are having a wonderful time tonight. I want o encourage that kind of thing among others more often! Whatever happened with those two, I feel good that I sent out a strong message to MC to "romance" Jessica (and to appreciate what he HAS!).

well done....and that is exactly what I have told my friends as well.

Although C expressed that she felt bad if she wanted to vent about her H, like she felt guilty for complaining when at least she HAS one. (Ok this made me laugh but only because I am healing!) They also have said "wow, I am so impressed at how you are taking this...I would fall apart."

So not only are you helping others appreciate what they have, but you are also showing that you can overcome such a horrific event and are a SURVIVOR!!

[Mrs. A]

Newmama and I were joking on her thread about what to say to nosy coworkers, but I really do want an opinion here.

I see about 20 coworkers on a daily basis and about 200+ monthly. The 200+ aren't close to me, but we do work together. And they all know that I am (was) married to Mr. A.

Moreover, I have had this job for so long that they knew me BEFORE I was married to Mr. A. But we lived together for a long time before we got married, so nobody at my job knew me when I wasn't "with" him. They were all so happy when we finally took the plunge! (barfing now)

The people at work range from totally hands-off to super-intrusive. It would be great to have a one-line-fits-all approach to breaking the news of my D (which I now feel that I need to do), but I'm seriously debating about it. I WOULD LOVE SOME INPUT!!!!

Idea 1:

Not talk at all about Mr. A. and just say, "Oh, we split" when someone brings it up. Good because it shuts down further questioning. Bad because it's super passive and it really doesn't tell MY truth.

Idea 2:

Not to talk about Mr. A but, when asked, to say, "Mr. A has left me. I don't think we're getting back together. Let's not talk about it. Now what's up with work?"

Can I pull that off? Don't know. At least I would be true to myself about the situation with Mr. A, but would I start crying? I mean, would I be worse off by divulging more?

Idea 3:

"Yeah, I've been wanting to tell you that Mr. A left me. Let's not talk about it. Work is work!"

UGH. Please let me know what you guys think. None of these options sound very good.

Yep, none of these approaches seems right to me, so I hope somebody has a better idea!!!!

[Mrs. A]

P.S. I work in public relations and my work mantra is INFORMATION CONTROL! Unfortunately I don't know how to apply that to my personal life!!!!!

[Gardener]

Mrs. A.,

How about this:

1) "We are no longer together." Change subject here.

2) "Mr. A. decided to take his own path." Change subject here.

Fact. Short. The subject-changing is your information control, not your disclosure.

imo.

Peace,

[ClingingToHope]

BobbiJo had a good line a while back, something along the lines of "X decided he didn't want to be married anymore."

I don't know. I've heard people be brutally honest. "The lying b*st*rd cheated on me."

It's a tough one. I look back and realize I may have chosen someone who was broken because I could fix her and she'd then NEVER leave me. Abandonment issues of my own.

In the end, I think I lost her to depression issues.

So I've been toying with, "It was good for a long time, but I lost her to depression."

This question goes along with another one I read. What am I going to say when I'm on a date and a lady asks me why the marriage failed?

[Gardener]

CTH,

BobbiJo had a good line a while back, something along the lines of "X decided he didn't want to be married anymore."

A good, simple one. And the one I'll probably start using.
The last book X read before the bomb was Eat, Pray, Love. She suggested I read it. I should've.
Pick it up and read the first few pages: successive paragraphs all ending with an emphatic, "I just don't want to be married anymore."

This question goes along with another one I read. What am I going to say when I'm on a date and a lady asks me why the marriage failed?

In the beginning, I see no reason to over-reveal. How about, "There are probably as many reasons as there are divorces, wouldn't you say?" Then change the subject.

Peace,

[soleil]

1) "We are no longer together." Change subject here.

Fact. Short. The subject-changing is your information control, not your disclosure.

I like this one the best.