went out for wings with my squash friends the other night. i haven't been out in a long time so it was nice to go out with friends. had a smile on my face the whole time. my sister and her family came for a visit and left this morning. i miss my nieces and nephew. they miss me a lot and always ask to come see me. my sister has been asking me to move home for a while. most of my family hasn't seen me in a few months. this gave her an opportunity to see that i was doing okay. she says i seem better - looks, mood, and attitude. i assured her that i was okay. i eat well, i am still the same person but just a bit wiser and a greater sense of maturity.
i am playing squash tonight after missing a few days. tomorrow, i am meeting up with a friend for dinner. during the initial stages of my process, she offered me her guest room if things got ugly at home. it was nice to know that i had a place to go if things went bad.
she also told me not to give up on my m. many of her friends regretted d-filing so quickly without stopping to think about what they were doing. many had regrets. many were not happier after d-filing. she did not want to see me suffer the same fate.
i might give her a bit of an update but more to show her that i was doing better.
i also plan to hit the local book store to pick up a copy of tuesdays with morrie or the last lecture. these two books have been my "bible". when i am in a rut, not sure of what to do, these books have been very inspirational to me. it will be money well spent.
A book I always read over and over when I'm down is "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. A smallish, east-to-read book that packs a POWERFUL message of hope and courage. He was an Auschwitz survivor.
"I get the impression that you are mostly practicing 'what to say' and doing it without emotion. If so, you might find it more productive to practice changing your emotional state, i.e. moving from hurt to compassion, instead of hurt to anger. That's what that Stosny guy is good at teaching.
If you are feeling loving towards him, that will come through."
This is important.. I want you to read it and ponder it.
You have for a long time just been doing what you are told.
That I applaud you for.
Now I want you to understand why you are doing what you are told.
So.. here are the questions.
Why did you come to DB.com?
Why is "winning" so important to you?
What about this "stitch" is provoking change in you?
Are you "winning"?
That should keep you busy for a while.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
You have for a long time just been doing what you are told.
That I applaud you for.
thanks. i'm still working hard on me and figuring out what i want. i dragged myself out to the gym. today, i hit the co-ed gym and did a chest, arms, and legs workout. i had my ipod with me. i did a small experiment. i didn't smile much and the guys avoided me. nobody smiled back.
some parts of my GAL-ing are still in the 'fake it' stage. i need to start putting in some time at the gym on the weekdays.
six months ago, everybody recommended that i take up yoga but when i was in my crazy state, yoga was NOT helpful. it was so non-social that all i thought about was my sitch. now that i'm in a better frame of mind, i can probably go back to yoga and focus on the poses rather than just go through the motions.
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Now I want you to understand why you are doing what you are told.
i'm not good at comprehension. but i'll give it a try.
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Why did you come to DB.com?
i wanted to save my m. i wanted my bff back. i wanted to know if my h was posting since i found out about db.com through him. i wanted to know what was going on with my h. was it mlc? if so, what happens? how many people reconcile when it is an mlc? was there an A? how do i know? how do i interpret intel results? i was hooked on this for the longest time because i kept looking for a reason to stop fighting for my m. road to fighting was hard, i didn't think i had it in me. i also felt that chances were so slim that i was fighting a losing battle. losing .. we'll get back to that later.
i wanted to know if things can be turned around. i wanted to save my m but i wasn't interested in saving me. i could care less if i ended up depressed - i figure i was going to be headed there no matter what. somehow i feel like i ended up saving myself but my m is still hanging by a thread. i wanted answers. i still don't have them. but i am still here. still posting.
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Why is "winning" so important to you?
"winning" in this case is proving that i was always looking out for someone's best interest. that my intentions are good. i don't keep score on how many times i've "won". but "winning" comes in many forms. here are some examples:
"hey look i saved us some money" - that's a win for us.
h wanted to find the right coloured towels for our bathroom. what colours to choose? i said cream and sage green. he would go to the store, buy one in every colour of the rainbow. it would piss me off - he didn't believe me. after 1 hr of hanging a gazillion towels and seeing if it "matches", what did he choose? cream and sage green. now we have to go back to the store and return the 17 other colours that we didn't need. sigh. h viewed that as "you're right" (aka. you won) it's not that i want to be right. i just have an eye for what matches and what doesn't.
h used to send his mother's day cards with a simple "happy mother's day". ever since he married me, i encouraged him to write more in his cards. and often it moved her to tears. that's the kind of reaction i look for when i create a mother's day gift or card. i don't want it to be something boring. i know it means a lot to her that you put thought into it instead of ordering off the williams sonoma catalog and having it sent express post to her home on mother's day. is that a "win" because i managed to move my ILs to tears? sure, but the motivation behind it is to make the other person happy. i may vent about my ILs but i always looked out for their best interest too. i cared a great deal for them. they were my h's parents.
"winning" sometimes is to encourage the other person to try harder. "winning is fun. give it a try. if i can do it, you can too!"
this d is the same thing. i warned him about the consequences, he didn't believe me. when this all ends, what is he going to say to me? that i won because he is suffering the consequences? that i got the 50/50 i asked for?
i think the pattern is something like this - when i work on something, i look at what my end goal is. then i think about how to get to my end goal, and what steps i need to take to get there. my h doesn't see this - all he sees is the extra work that has to be done. it isn't until we achieve the end goal that he says "ok, you won". why is the "win" more important than how i got to my end goal? shouldn't it be the other way around? we should look at how i got there, rather than the "win"? (yikes .. <eyes widen>)
i am guilty of not communicating my intentions or what i am trying to achieve.
sorry for the long and verbose answer to that question.
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What about this "stitch" is provoking change in you?
i still love my h very much and i realize that my plans to "win" got in the way. the intentions behind my 'wins' were going unnoticed and unappreciated. and i began to lose his love. deep down, maybe he did appreciate it but the 'need to win' turned me into someone else. and not the person he fell in love with.
i think i'm still be trying to win. except this time i don't know whether i will get to my end goal. i am working on me and making me the best option out there. the end goal is to hopefully have him make that decision himself. but will i achieve this goal? i don't know. i had to think about what steps would work for my plan. the hardline approach? not sure if i can pull that off or whether it will work on my h. if i tell him that he's right and we should d-file, he'll believe that i wanted it too. here are some past examples to prove this:
something as simple as choosing a squash partner. i asked him "who do you want to play with?" he looked to the floor and said "doesn't matter. whatever you want". when we were selling our house, we had multiple offers. who do you want to sell it to? again "i dunno, doesn't matter to me. whatever you choose." he loudly proclaimed that we had to sell the house and move on. we are on the last step of the selling process and he balks at choosing a buyer? sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i didn't go along with his decision to sell the house.
but the vets here convinced me that i needed to work on me first before we can work on saving the m. i figure maybe that was do-able. that route was probably my best bet. little did i know that changing me would have a healing effect on me as well. i am slowing going back to the original person i was. only i'm a much better squash player now.
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Are you "winning"?
it isn't over. i can't answer that question. but in the interim, i'm making a bit of headway. a friend of mine who hadn't seen me since march, met up with me yesterday. she said she noticed that i look alive now. she was so happy to see me smiling again. without telling her what i was doing, she felt the energy in me. so it must be working.
i have to admit, sometimes i think i'm doing better than he is. but then i give my butt a swift kick and tell myself "and what if you are wrong? what if he's doing great? what if he's bought the dream home with his new "soulmate" and there's a baby on the way? and you're still alone?"
not sure when we may have to change our plans though.
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"I get the impression that you are mostly practicing 'what to say' and doing it without emotion. If so, you might find it more productive to practice changing your emotional state, i.e. moving from hurt to compassion, instead of hurt to anger. That's what that Stosny guy is good at teaching.
If you are feeling loving towards him, that will come through."
This is important.. I want you to read it and ponder it.
methinks the challenges are getting harder and harder. nobody said this was easy. someone also mentioned on another thread .. patience.
Do you understand that this is 2 different things?
there was something wrong with my statement when i read it a second time. i don't want my old marriage. saving my marriage implies that i want my old marriage back. and i don't.
are they really the same? i married my bff.
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One would not be scared of their BFF.
well, at this point .. we're not bff. i don't know what he is and that has me scared.
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"i wanted to know what was going on with my h."
Cause there has to be something wrong with him.. right?
ahem .. mind reading? i didn't say that there was something wrong with him. but i wanted to know why he was saying the things he was saying. i wanted to understand where he was coming from. i also wanted to voice my side .. to a bunch of strangers.
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"i wanted to know if things can be turned around."
So what do you think now?
i yo-yo. most of the time, i don't think it's possible. doesn't matter how much db-ing i do.
it's like when i talk about my changes. i'm happy with my changes. i am honestly in a better place than i was 2 months ago.
but like i said, i try not to think about whether he sees my changes or not. i feel like he's on purposely avoiding me so he doesn't see the changes and this way, he won't be swayed. he's familiar with this db technique. all he has to do is hide from me until mid october and then he moves into his new home and never has to see me again. i can't show up at the same squash club as him because then i'll appear to be stalking or following him.
i don't even think about the weight he gained or whether he is avoiding me because of his weight gain. i gotta keep in mind that he might be stunning. so i can't let myself go .. heck no, this is a competition, right?
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"but i am still here. still posting."
Why?
because i'm not done yet. because whining and complaining isn't going to make me happier. it won't solve the problem. i'm better off playing the game hard.
i still have to meet with him. i could chicken out and just let the l handle it. i'm not ready for it yet. am i still feeling loving towards him? when i think he's avoiding me on purpose, then i don't feel foolish for feeling loving. i feel like he's thwarting my db efforts. and yes, i'm mind reading. minor setback. oops. i should get half marks for recognizing it.
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I intend on taking small steps here.. but will refer back to this post.
Off we go...
where are we going next? august is coming to an end soon. i have two months left.
i forgot to add. i didn't find his posts. but that doesn't mean he can't lurk.
i have learned the importance of coach's advice. coach always told me to know what triggers the snakes on the brain and handle it.
when i go to my intel sources, although i don't find anything conclusive, my heart races. i get nervous, and my body just fills with anxiety - what if today is the day i find something? when i don't consult my intel sources, i am at peace.
it's time to stop. identify the snakes and stop. it isn't doing me any good.
what does it mean to find something? what would be different if he was? a change in the game plan. i would stop looking foolish by working on me and hoping he would notice. geez, this feels like the early days when i liked him but i was sure he didn't know i exist. ugh .. this is so junior high. someone hit me with a 2x4.
i went to the gym yesterday. muscles are a bit sore. i worked on chest, arms, legs, and some abdominal work. my shoulders and abdominals look good. i still look feminine but everything is a bit toned. my legs need some toning. i've neglected a legs workout for a while. i really need to get to the gym during the week.
squash night tonight. one of my guy friends there asked me if i was driving to the city next weekend. he's heading to the city to participate in a big squash tournament. he knows i have family in the city so he was wondering if i needed company (if i was going to see family). the other players were organizing a carpool. he said he could drive but he was not crazy about carpooling with the other players. it was too much hassle to sync with their schedules. also, he drives a gas guzzling v8. he said if i was okay with him driving my car, he could drive for part of the road trip. the long drive is tiring and having a second driver is always nice. the last guy to drive my vehicle was my stbxh. i've never let another guy drive my car since. but he said he was a good driver. we ended up trading phone numbers and he would confirm with me next week. we work a few blocks away from each other so it wouldn't be a problem if i picked him up after work and head out. we decided to keep our carpooling plans between the two of us. we haven't confirmed anything but it was a possible plan.
this would be guy #3.
my friend and fellow squash player annie had a brief conversation today. she said i seem to be handling my separation/divorce very well. she said that whenever she sees me at the club, i'm always smiling and having a good time. it was nice to see.
something must be working. my hands don't hurt and i don't have the look of pain on my face yet.
does this mean i don't want my h back?
actually, my feelings are more like this .. remember how i said that i was having so much fun that i felt wrong to be enjoying it all myself? i wish i could show my stbxh that life is fun and that i would love for him to be a part of this. i'm having fun and i still have a close relationship with my parents. you can have both.
i wish i could show my stbxh that life is fun and that i would love for him to be a part of this. i'm having fun and i still have a close relationship with my parents. you can have both.
I'm glad you're having fun!
I have to wonder about the 'close relationship' with your parents though. You recently said that you didn't want to go home while you still feel so vulnerable because of your father's emotional abuse. I think it is wise to stay away from people who aren't loving towards you at this difficult time, yet, I have to say that the relationship with your dad doesn't sound like a close relationship. A good father would never say those things to his daughter.
i am. it's not faking it .. my friend couldn't even tell that i was going through a break up because i don't seem sad at all. is that bad? it is a d .. i should be a bit morose, no?
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I have to wonder about the 'close relationship' with your parents though. You recently said that you didn't want to go home while you still feel so vulnerable because of your father's emotional abuse. I think it is wise to stay away from people who aren't loving towards you at this difficult time, yet, I have to say that the relationship with your dad doesn't sound like a close relationship. A good father would never say those things to his daughter.
that was 5 yrs ago. from what my mom has told me, he has mellowed out over the last year. when i was home back in may, he commented that i was too thin. he was genuinely concerned because i was anorexic thin. you could literally count my ribs. it was not healthy. i think he sensed that something was wrong on the homefront.
my marriage breakup has had a huge impact on my family. sometimes i feel angry at stbxh because his decision to d-bomb hurt my family. if he hurt me, that's okay but my family? no. that's not cool. my family has never experienced this before. my brothers and sisters are all married and even though they have the occasional arguments with their spouses, it's never something to d over.
being the only one in my family to have a failed marriage makes me feel like a failure.
i am determine to come out of this stronger and better. my mom has put all of her focus on me over the last 8 months. my sisters have told me that mom thinks of me all the time. it breaks my heart to see my mom like that. it makes me angry at h for being so selfish.
