Well, my H confronted my mom last weekend about some stuff and she actually wanted to get (?) help from me on this and ask me what he was thinking, what she should do, etc. I can't put more details but I was like "do you know what I'm going through right now? The end of my life and my D's as we know it. I do not have the mental capacity to advise you and make you feel better- you're an adult, so call him up and talk to him if you want, I'm no longer in the middle." I had to actually say a version of this about 3 times, which made me angry- I have a couple family members who can't think of anyone but themselves- actually all of them are like that to an extent and on all of my major life occasions (wedding day, birth of my D, Divorce impending) have made issues out of nothing so the focus is on them. Pitiful.
Now I've got H saying he doesn't want her over here (she comes for several hours each weekend to help me out with D), and her saying she doesn't feel comfortable with him here, etc. I'm a peacekeeper by nature, so I feel stressed about this. I've suggested he not be here when she comes b/c I'm not not going to have the help and it's my house too, and suggested things she can do with D that are out of the house. She's coming tomorrow and I really don't need anymore frickin stress. And my H thinks I care about his side? Funny thing is I do- or did- totally agreed w/him, but he doesn't get that he blew that all up with the bomb.
This week was better than last. H went to his class one night and came home at least 4 hours later than usual. No idea where he was, but he had females' email addresses written on his desk in plain view the next morning and hasn't tried to hide it. This probably means, rather than being something serious, which he'd hide, that he's baiting me and wanting me to ask him about it- typical for him. I haven't asked, which has been hard, but gets easier with the days.
Told my boss I'm in the process of D- he's one that isn't a touchy-feely kind of guy but this is a critical time at work in terms of layoffs coming up and for various reasons, people leaving the company so I wanted him to know I have NO plans to jump ship and will stay right now til they kick me out. Sounds weird, but hard to go into details.
Upcoming "family" camping trip w/my mom's group on the 19th. 99% sure I'm going with D and not including H. He actually was offended when I said (couple months ago) that I didn't know if I'd invite him yet, that one didn't necessarily invite one's spouse who wanted to D them to these things. He hasn't asked again. I know I will feel odd and lonely there, the only one w/out an H. I'm sure we'll have fun, but that "nuclear family" thing will be right in my face and only one of my friends there knows what's going on. H and I have camped together a lot since we've been together so that is one of those sad "we used to do this together" things I'm coming to for the first time. I'm sure someone will help me with the tent, etc. It's more like feeling like I'm the only single person there and lonely.
But, I'm going backpacking next month for a few days by myself and am really really looking forward to that. Haven't been at all since before D was born and haven't been backpacking alone since years before that. I can't wait, wish I were there now.
H's volleys of shots and passive-aggressiveness wax and wane. I had to ignore several shots today (e.g., he accuses me of behavior I haven't done that I may've done in the past b/c it reinforces his belief that I'll never change, etc.), sucked it up b/c it's a lose-lose thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm Ghandi. Or Buddha. Except without the spiritual peace they had!
A family member of his was in the hospital and he didn't tell me til a week later, claiming I never seemed interested in stuff like that about them. BS. I don't know what they know about what's going on, but they probably think I'm a selfish brat who can't be bothered to send a card. I will send one Monday. These are people we'd rarely see but I like them very much. I'm sure they'll take his side, which is sad, but they're his family so I won't step into that.
Realized today that I've felt like a single parent in a lot of ways for a long time- just to greater or lesser extents. And that having H in the same house rarely adds value these days, so what am I afraid of missing? We have enjoyable times still but that's not most of the time.
Went out by myself last night to a movie and really enjoyed myself. I don't think H believed I was going out alone, but if he thinks I'd go out looking like I did (it wasn't that bad, but I'd dress better for a date!), that's funny. I have no interest even in meeting anyone and this wasn't my choice, so I find it ironic he drops hints about my "boyfriend" or whatever....
Missing BFF this week who's involved in family stuff and unavailable. Realizing that outside of her, I don't have many friends I can just call up to talk about stuff- at least not like I can with her who has time for me. People who care, yes, but pretty busy with their own lives.
