NB, Our situations are very similar and I have been feeling a lot of the same things. My husband is a lot like yours and I worry all the time that he is going to think I don't care and I don't want to be married to him, but maybe that's just their way of relieving a little of their guilt. They can blame us instead of themselves. They can say "she left...she ended the marriage" then they don't feel so badly. Sometimes I think my husband pushes and prods me to see if he can get me mad enough that I'll be the one to walk away so he doesn't have to make the decision himself. Then he can feel less guilty because I know he feels guilty for what he's done.
I also waffle daily. Some days I'm steadfast and ready to walk. Why in the world would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? And other days, I just really miss my husband and would do anything to make this work.
The alien thing really gets to me too. I cannot believe this man that I have loved and cherished is doing and saying these things. Where did this person come from and how come I never saw this before? I feel like I put my real self out there and people know who I am and it really makes me wonder if I could ever trust myself to someone else again. It makes me wonder if I'm totally blind.
Hugs to you. I know taking a step towards getting an apartment was hard. I want to pack up all my stuff and take my kids 500 miles back home. I'm tired of being in limbo too. I wish the WH would just make a decision one way or the other. I feel your frustration.
Anyone else stuck in this "I need to move on, but this wasn't what I wanted and now *I'm* the one leaving b/c I can't stand the limbo anymore"?? _________________________
Nikita - yes, yes, yes.
This what I tell myself:
I don't want to be the one to leave, this is not what I wanted, but neither do I want to be in a marriage where my husband doesn't want me. What choice do I have?
For me, it has just gotten to the point where it is too painful to stay together. But I have been at this a long time, 2 years and 3 months, and it has taken me this long to get to this point, where I really feel I am able to let go. My heart has fought my head, kicking and screaming for 27 months . Not sure how long you have been dealing with your situation.
OMG Improved, THIS:
As I worte elsewhere recently, there are two types of people in this world the WAS and the LBS. LBS are better off with the LBS type of people and WAS...well they're better off alone.
Awesome. Perfect. So true.
Nikita, I have a 9 and a half year old. He was 7 when we told him that Daddy was moving out because "mom and dad weren't getting along." He didn't buy it because we never fought. Since then, son and I have had countless conversations about "Why doesn't Daddy love you the right way?" My son asks a lot of questions and I answered him as truthfully and honestly as I could but as gently as I could. He's also old enough that he can now see that "daddy doesn't act like he loves mommy." I think he gets it a little, although it is not what he wants either. Your child is much younger and probably won't understand at all. That can be better in some ways and worse in some ways I think.
Sorry to jump in here since I don't actively post on the board. Hugs to you. There are so many people here who know what you are going through.
Me, too. I've had enough of limbo-land. I told my H tonight that I could no longer be in a marriage with someone who didn't want to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who thinks I'm great. I told him I was going to file for divorce. I don't know how people do this DB stuff. I can't do it. I deserve better than this.
NB, Our situations are very similar and I have been feeling a lot of the same things. My husband is a lot like yours and I worry all the time that he is going to think I don't care and I don't want to be married to him, but maybe that's just their way of relieving a little of their guilt. They can blame us instead of themselves. They can say "she left...she ended the marriage" then they don't feel so badly. Sometimes I think my husband pushes and prods me to see if he can get me mad enough that I'll be the one to walk away so he doesn't have to make the decision himself. Then he can feel less guilty because I know he feels guilty for what he's done.
That's it- we're actually married to the same man... Seriously, this is passive-aggressive at its finest. No responsibility for anything. It seems totally hopeless to me now that mine would change at all- he can't even see how he's contributed.
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I also waffle daily. Some days I'm steadfast and ready to walk. Why in the world would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? And other days, I just really miss my husband and would do anything to make this work.
The alien thing really gets to me too. I cannot believe this man that I have loved and cherished is doing and saying these things. Where did this person come from and how come I never saw this before? I feel like I put my real self out there and people know who I am and it really makes me wonder if I could ever trust myself to someone else again. It makes me wonder if I'm totally blind.
Yes, I waffle too, though less as time goes on. Everyone's timeline for "fighting" and letting go is different and has to be yours alone. One time I got some clarity was picturing it was my daughter married to someone treating her like this- or my BFF. What would I say and think? That they deserved 10x better and why were they putting up with this sh!t?? To walk away and find someone else. Not let themselves be treated like that. So why don't I have those protective, indignant feelings about myself all the time???
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Hugs to you. I know taking a step towards getting an apartment was hard. I want to pack up all my stuff and take my kids 500 miles back home. I'm tired of being in limbo too. I wish the WH would just make a decision one way or the other. I feel your frustration.
Maybe you should. Go home, I mean. It's hard enough to go through this but in a new place where you know no one? I can't even imagine. Remember that you don't have to wait for him to make a decision - and any decision you make doesn't=necessarily the end of your M. Moving back home, ending part of the limbo, is something you can do anytime.
Hi newgal! No apologies for "jumping in"- I've been wondering where everyone is and why they're not here! Seriously, I want input and dialogue- that's why most of us post.
Originally Posted By: newgal
Anyone else stuck in this "I need to move on, but this wasn't what I wanted and now *I'm* the one leaving b/c I can't stand the limbo anymore"?? _________________________
Nikita - yes, yes, yes.
This what I tell myself:
I don't want to be the one to leave, this is not what I wanted, but neither do I want to be in a marriage where my husband doesn't want me. What choice do I have?
For me, it has just gotten to the point where it is too painful to stay together. But I have been at this a long time, 2 years and 3 months, and it has taken me this long to get to this point, where I really feel I am able to let go. My heart has fought my head, kicking and screaming for 27 months . Not sure how long you have been dealing with your situation.
Well, things haven't been great for awhile. We've been in therapy off and on for years. The last year has been hard. My mother (accidentally) burned down our house in October the first and only night we've ever left her overnight with our D. Things were already fragile and ironically, I felt a stronger team then than I had in a LONG time - pulling together with H in a tough time. We were in therapy and I was getting warning signs but he kept saying, verbatim "If I'd wanted to D you, I'd already have done it." Right up until a few weeks before the bomb. So it was still somewhat of a bomb. That was in March.
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Nikita, I have a 9 and a half year old. He was 7 when we told him that Daddy was moving out because "mom and dad weren't getting along." He didn't buy it because we never fought. Since then, son and I have had countless conversations about "Why doesn't Daddy love you the right way?" My son asks a lot of questions and I answered him as truthfully and honestly as I could but as gently as I could. He's also old enough that he can now see that "daddy doesn't act like he loves mommy." I think he gets it a little, although it is not what he wants either. Your child is much younger and probably won't understand at all. That can be better in some ways and worse in some ways I think.
Thanks for the input. You're right, there are different pluses and minuses at each age (not like this is ever good for any kids at all). We also don't fight openly and I know D has no idea anything is amiss. It kills me to think she'll think any of this is her fault. I think at 3 the only explanation they could come up with- since in their world, adults do whatever we want and make all the rules- is that when I'm not with her, it's b/c I don't WANT to be w/her, which kills me.
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Sorry to jump in here since I don't actively post on the board. Hugs to you. There are so many people here who know what you are going through.
no worries. I'd love to hear more from you and will try to go check out your posts.
Well, my H confronted my mom last weekend about some stuff and she actually wanted to get (?) help from me on this and ask me what he was thinking, what she should do, etc. I can't put more details but I was like "do you know what I'm going through right now? The end of my life and my D's as we know it. I do not have the mental capacity to advise you and make you feel better- you're an adult, so call him up and talk to him if you want, I'm no longer in the middle." I had to actually say a version of this about 3 times, which made me angry- I have a couple family members who can't think of anyone but themselves- actually all of them are like that to an extent and on all of my major life occasions (wedding day, birth of my D, Divorce impending) have made issues out of nothing so the focus is on them. Pitiful.
Now I've got H saying he doesn't want her over here (she comes for several hours each weekend to help me out with D), and her saying she doesn't feel comfortable with him here, etc. I'm a peacekeeper by nature, so I feel stressed about this. I've suggested he not be here when she comes b/c I'm not not going to have the help and it's my house too, and suggested things she can do with D that are out of the house. She's coming tomorrow and I really don't need anymore frickin stress. And my H thinks I care about his side? Funny thing is I do- or did- totally agreed w/him, but he doesn't get that he blew that all up with the bomb.
This week was better than last. H went to his class one night and came home at least 4 hours later than usual. No idea where he was, but he had females' email addresses written on his desk in plain view the next morning and hasn't tried to hide it. This probably means, rather than being something serious, which he'd hide, that he's baiting me and wanting me to ask him about it- typical for him. I haven't asked, which has been hard, but gets easier with the days.
Told my boss I'm in the process of D- he's one that isn't a touchy-feely kind of guy but this is a critical time at work in terms of layoffs coming up and for various reasons, people leaving the company so I wanted him to know I have NO plans to jump ship and will stay right now til they kick me out. Sounds weird, but hard to go into details.
Upcoming "family" camping trip w/my mom's group on the 19th. 99% sure I'm going with D and not including H. He actually was offended when I said (couple months ago) that I didn't know if I'd invite him yet, that one didn't necessarily invite one's spouse who wanted to D them to these things. He hasn't asked again. I know I will feel odd and lonely there, the only one w/out an H. I'm sure we'll have fun, but that "nuclear family" thing will be right in my face and only one of my friends there knows what's going on. H and I have camped together a lot since we've been together so that is one of those sad "we used to do this together" things I'm coming to for the first time. I'm sure someone will help me with the tent, etc. It's more like feeling like I'm the only single person there and lonely.
But, I'm going backpacking next month for a few days by myself and am really really looking forward to that. Haven't been at all since before D was born and haven't been backpacking alone since years before that. I can't wait, wish I were there now.
H's volleys of shots and passive-aggressiveness wax and wane. I had to ignore several shots today (e.g., he accuses me of behavior I haven't done that I may've done in the past b/c it reinforces his belief that I'll never change, etc.), sucked it up b/c it's a lose-lose thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm Ghandi. Or Buddha. Except without the spiritual peace they had!
A family member of his was in the hospital and he didn't tell me til a week later, claiming I never seemed interested in stuff like that about them. BS. I don't know what they know about what's going on, but they probably think I'm a selfish brat who can't be bothered to send a card. I will send one Monday. These are people we'd rarely see but I like them very much. I'm sure they'll take his side, which is sad, but they're his family so I won't step into that.
Realized today that I've felt like a single parent in a lot of ways for a long time- just to greater or lesser extents. And that having H in the same house rarely adds value these days, so what am I afraid of missing? We have enjoyable times still but that's not most of the time.
Went out by myself last night to a movie and really enjoyed myself. I don't think H believed I was going out alone, but if he thinks I'd go out looking like I did (it wasn't that bad, but I'd dress better for a date!), that's funny. I have no interest even in meeting anyone and this wasn't my choice, so I find it ironic he drops hints about my "boyfriend" or whatever....
Missing BFF this week who's involved in family stuff and unavailable. Realizing that outside of her, I don't have many friends I can just call up to talk about stuff- at least not like I can with her who has time for me. People who care, yes, but pretty busy with their own lives.
(((Hugs)) Nikita. sorry I don't have anything to say right now.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Well, my self esteem is doing pretty well. Everyone keeps telling me I deserve so much more than H and I know they're right. I have even noticed some cute guys at the gym lately, and since I lost my wedding ring (really, I did, 2 weeks ago, funny coincidence ) I guess maybe I'm getting noticed too. Actually, I got propositioned at a bar a couple weeks ago, but since the guy was married ("we have an open R" he says - and he's got a toddler and one on the way, can you believe that? ewwww. He showed me pics of his daughter for God's sake, what is WRONG with people? I guess only some of us take this M commitment seriously?), I politely declined. Not interested in flings at this point- or maybe I am, less messy! ;-)
Why I hung on as long as I have to this M, I don't know. I guess mostly for my D3. To tell the truth, I've been unhappy as long or longer than H, thought about how it would be to be a single mom (b/c that's what it was like anyway, since I did almost everything myself) after D was born, etc. It tore me up but I pictured this coming years ago, and it being my (regretful) choice, not his. I have questioned our M almost ever since we got married and though I think we could've made it work if both of us were committed, willing to take responsibility and do the hard work that M is, maybe this is for the best.
Our last couple's therapist told me privately that she and her partner, who both saw us, observed that H was basically nowhere NEAR me in emotional sophistication, introspection, etc.- I think that's what some people have wondered about us all along, how 2 such different people could be together- and they (the therapists- and they weren't trying to convince me to pursue a D, they were honestly stumped) couldn't understand why I was with him. They asked me and I couldn't find much to say except I loved him and he was a decent guy. I used to defend him to friends and family, saying we had intelligent talks, etc. and how smart he was, but at his core, he's still about 15, and that hasn't changed with marriage or becoming a dad. It's really sad. Plus, he's ALWAYS the victim in everything- work, personal life, M, $ issues, etc. So, basically, I don't know why I've been upset over this. I guess no one likes feeling dumped, but part of me kind of emotionally gave up on him awhile back, maybe I just couldn't admit it b/c I wanted to try to still work on things. I don't like to give up, either, especially not on a commitment I took very seriously, although I guess he didn't.
I mostly have concerns about D3 at this point. H has not even considered her in all of this, he's being very selfish. I haven't heard him bring her or her well-being up once since this all started. About custody he just says "oh, we'll figure something out." But is emphatic about wanting 50/50 time, even though unless I ask him to watch her b/c I have something to do, he's just doing whatever he feels like, which isn't being with her- playing his computer games for hours on end, etc. He won't even give her a bath unless I ask and then when I do, his first response is: "didn't she just have one?" He won't go see someone with me to help with co-parenting, so I will go alone to get advice and guidance on how to get D through this. Just like I'll read the books alone and do the work alone... again. I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm disappointed- thought he was better than that. I just hope he can be a better dad to D and put her first sometime soon so she doesn't feel like she's not worth it. I will just have to be twice the parent he is to make up for it, I guess. I know there are some of you dads out there who would like to have more time with your kids, so that makes it even worse- she deserves one like that.
Some of the dads here are amazing- really, guys, my hat is off to you and how you put your kids first and care so much about them. My dad wasn't like that, neither was H's dad, and apparently, his D doesn't come first with him, either. But that is how all of us should be, man or woman.
I had a very interesting experience this past week. My BFF and her H, who were unable to have kids on their own and have been foster parents for over a year now, finally got to legally adopt their son. I was lucky enough to be there in court as they took their oath. I didn't know you took an oath (but foster/adoptive parents are held to a MUCH higher standard across the board than the rest of us), but you do. It was beautiful, I wish I had the wording, I would post it. It was basically a lifelong, sworn commitment before the judge, family, friends and the world to take care of this little human being, always put him first, respect him, set a good example for him, take seriously the burden and privilege of guiding and raising him, etc. Everyone who is a new parent should have to make this promise before they let you go home from the hospital! It makes me so sad that H doesn't have this level of commitment to his D. I know he loves her, but it's not the same. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, she'd be taken care of, but as long as I'm around and he doesn't have to parent 100% of the time, he doesn't.
Sigh. Well, I hope my love and caring is enough for her. I don't have any male relatives to be role models for her, just H. I hope it's enough.
Sorry you're feeling this way and I hope that soon things will start to improve for you. I think you will be ready to move on soon enough and then you can rebuild your life for you and D3.
Kids always seem to suffer the most and us LBS feel terribly for them. We don't want to be part-time parents but we're left with no choice. Kids have no say in any of this, they're just bystanders watching their lives change right in front of their eyes because one person (their own parent) has decided to be selfish and self-centered. However, there's a glimmer of hop in that kids adapt to change well and can learn to have a happy life even in the non-ideal situations.
((((hugs)))
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
) I guess maybe I'm getting noticed too. Actually, I got propositioned at a bar a couple weeks ago, but since the guy was married ("we have an open R" he says - and he's got a toddler and one on the way, can you believe that? ewwww. He showed me pics of his daughter for God's sake, what is WRONG with people? I guess only some of us take this M commitment seriously?), I politely declined. Not interested in flings at this point- or maybe I am, less messy! ;-)