NB, Our situations are very similar and I have been feeling a lot of the same things. My husband is a lot like yours and I worry all the time that he is going to think I don't care and I don't want to be married to him, but maybe that's just their way of relieving a little of their guilt. They can blame us instead of themselves. They can say "she left...she ended the marriage" then they don't feel so badly. Sometimes I think my husband pushes and prods me to see if he can get me mad enough that I'll be the one to walk away so he doesn't have to make the decision himself. Then he can feel less guilty because I know he feels guilty for what he's done.
That's it- we're actually married to the same man... Seriously, this is passive-aggressive at its finest. No responsibility for anything. It seems totally hopeless to me now that mine would change at all- he can't even see how he's contributed.
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I also waffle daily. Some days I'm steadfast and ready to walk. Why in the world would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? And other days, I just really miss my husband and would do anything to make this work.
The alien thing really gets to me too. I cannot believe this man that I have loved and cherished is doing and saying these things. Where did this person come from and how come I never saw this before? I feel like I put my real self out there and people know who I am and it really makes me wonder if I could ever trust myself to someone else again. It makes me wonder if I'm totally blind.
Yes, I waffle too, though less as time goes on. Everyone's timeline for "fighting" and letting go is different and has to be yours alone. One time I got some clarity was picturing it was my daughter married to someone treating her like this- or my BFF. What would I say and think? That they deserved 10x better and why were they putting up with this sh!t?? To walk away and find someone else. Not let themselves be treated like that. So why don't I have those protective, indignant feelings about myself all the time???
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Hugs to you. I know taking a step towards getting an apartment was hard. I want to pack up all my stuff and take my kids 500 miles back home. I'm tired of being in limbo too. I wish the WH would just make a decision one way or the other. I feel your frustration.
Maybe you should. Go home, I mean. It's hard enough to go through this but in a new place where you know no one? I can't even imagine. Remember that you don't have to wait for him to make a decision - and any decision you make doesn't=necessarily the end of your M. Moving back home, ending part of the limbo, is something you can do anytime.
