Glad you set boundaries.You are doing great.So very very proud of you.
As I already said, TWO Alpha dogs, same house, doesn't work. The tough broad thing is just bluster and a cover.
Yes, the WAW needs to realize she won't be living in the same style as to which she has been accustomed. HER choice.
Sounds like you ARE detaching, or maybe you've just had enough of WAW 's wanting her cake and eating it too. Don't WAS's realize all the upheaval their choices cause. Are THEY that selfish? I understand they are in pain, but so are WE and the children suffer too. It's not all about what WAS didn't get in the M.
YOU can set the timeframe, not her.Go for it.I am thinking I will leave before my "get the h out " date". But then again, maybe not. It's up to ME, my comfort level, etc. WE must stand up for ourselves.
My H had the nerve today to tell me I should see a lawyer and have our docs to date reviewed. My reply was since YOU are the one initiating a split, YOU need to do the leg work, and pay for the first review, that I will then take to a lawyer for review. Talk about having cake!
A friend described my W as living/wanting a movie life, and this explained her disappointment with me and our M. Same friend pointed out that my W will be in for a rude awakening. Reality bites, and this is her choice.
I don't know that I'm detaching so much as just exhausted from limbo, lack of sleep, and lack of any type of affection other than what my daughters give me. And I won't even mention the lack of sex...
But really, it doesn't matter why or what they're thinking, since we can't change our WAS. We can often remind them of the consequences, like when I tried to use guilt over our daughters to persuade my wife to pursue MC with me. But their in thrall to the Great Escape. Every hurt, every disappointment, every pain will be alleviated in the Great Escape. But sadly, it won't. If I knew my wife had gone through even half of the self-evaluation and inner-probing I've done over the last 47 days, I would disagree with that comment. But she hasn't. She's living in the fog, breathing in vapors. That's why I think her come to Jesus moment when living alone will be so much harder than what I've gone through. And I think that the anger stemming from that is one reason why separation often leads to divorce. Maybe I'm being pessimistic.
My wife called and said two of the places I pointed out didn't look good, didn't see many kids around, seemed "sleepy." I know that she'll try to use guilt over my two daughters to get me to contribute $$, but I'm not going to. If I have to, I'll buy the girls all their clothes, I'll be feeding them over 80% of their meals, etc. But I'm not going to get guilted into moving out, or helping her live in a 'nice' place so she doesn't have to bear the burden for her decisions.
I'm not going to let this linger. I don't regret asking her to reconsider staying when we talked last Sunday, but it just has gone on too long. Looking back at my thread is humbling, how I'll lock onto a good idea, and then lose the strength to follow through. I need to find a way to stay consistent and firm.
all of our threads are humbling when you look at them from the perspective of the man you are now. However, in the proper context, it is simply the saga of a man becomming.
As I also recently read your whole thread in more or less one sitting, I can say honestly that it is as poinient (sp?) continuitous stream of thought and evolution as any. Don't be ashamed of what has made you.
As to the future, it is being written by you. Sharpen your pencil and get to it.
Strength and honor
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
(((hugs))) just sending you hugs and hoping you're having a good weekend- will try to write more later.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
pinhead - remember to always ask yourself "is this what I want, is this how I want to be in a R" and live your life the way you want to live it. If your W is on board, great. If not, you at least will land in a better place than you would have without all of your hard work and discoveries.
I feel mixed tonight about what I want, and it helps to read other threads from people working through the same thing. I know the answer will come in time, but it is hard. All we can do is be the best we can be.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Robx- I've been reading your original thread and am so inspired by your strength of character. It's amazing the personal growth you've experienced. This snippet from your thread really hit home, it describes the flaws in my M almost to a T:
"I want her back. But I won't go back to the old "US". I can't ever go back to that. I won't go back to being barked at, the silent treatments, being a sex camel (everybody loves raymond, love that show, a sex camel can go weeks/months without sex), the constant arguing, finger pointing, you didn't do this, this & that (seriously I did everything and then some, it was never enough to work full-time, come home, clean home, do laundry, bathe kids, do homework w/them, make meals, take care of finances while she complained of working a part-time job and never having enough time for herself). I won't go back to her always being about herself, never asking about me, never seeing how I am, never asking about work, never talking to me like a friend, asking me if I need anything, want anything, never a funny joke, never an interesting story to share - she gives that energy to everyone else except for me and that is seriously boring & harmful at the same time."
I don't know if my M will have the same resolution as yours, but the personal growth is something I hope and aspire to.
Robx, just another quick question, your thread peters out May of 09. Did you start another thread somewhere? Sooo curious about everything that happened after that.
Took my oldest to the early church service; my youngest wanted to stay with W. Had a good service, came home and the W was a mess. She had been crying in the kitchen, then my daughter noticed that her betta fish had jumped out of it's tank and was lying on the counter. My W had been oblivious to this. Gave the fish CPR, and all was well. W was still upset.
I go upstairs to change so I can start mowing, and she's bawling on her side of the bed. I ignore her, change, and go downstairs. Eventually she comes down and asks if we're going to tell the girls about giving away their dog now: I said I'd rather wait until the actual day that's going to happen. She gets even more irritated, and says "I wish you'd stop changing your mind." Of course she doesn't mean just about the dog, but my decision to "encourage" her to move out ASAP.
And being the good little DB'er, I simply say, "You figure out when/what you want to do with the dog and the girls, and let me know," went out and mowed, she took off for the late church service.
So I mowed the lawn, washed my car, did some minor gardening, spent some time with oldest daughter, and the day is young. W works tonight, so when my youngest gets back, I'll take them to pick out school supplies etc. I'm sure that'll chap my W @ss, but it needs to be done, school starts in a week.
She's floundering pinhead. She doesn't want to have to make this decision to move out all on her own, and when you surrendered to the fact that she was going to move out (LRT) she is FLOUNDERING and upset about it? Bawling her eyes out because of it? Shouldn't she be HAPPY? Isn't that what she wanted?
What a mess.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
W had a tough day yesterday, and today was much worse. When I came home from church she was crying in the kitchen, and after some drama with D1's Betta Fish (it had jumped out of its tank and was lying on the counter right in front of W), she ran upstairs. I was going to mow the lawn then wash my car, so I went to change out of my dressier clothes. When I got to the bedroom, she was sitting on it bawling away. I ignored this, and got changed and went downstairs. She obviously was pissed off that I didn't try and comfort her, so she followed me to my office and asked when we were going to tell the girls about giving our dog away. Originally we had planned on telling them today, but W still hasn't spoken to the family who's supposed to be taking her. So I said we should wait until the day we give her away. W got very upset, and said "I wish you would quit changing your mind!" She didn't mean just the dog, but really the fact that I was pushing her to get an apartment ASAP instead of waiting forever.
She took D2 to the later church service, and when she came back she followed me into the garage and said she needed to "vent." Oh how I love that word, especially from her. She starts raging about how angry she is, how scared, how frustrated. How she has spent years trying to create a family that fits in our type of house, our neighborhood, and that now she has to suffer, and live in a 1BD shithole. How I ignored her for years, but I'm going to be ok. How she's cried for two days, and didn't sleep last night.
I didn't say a word, I just listened. Then she walked out of the garage.
There was so much I wanted to say, but I knew this wasn't the place or time, or even if I should answer her without some sort of counselor around.
Afterwards, I went to our bedroom to read a book, and she came up and apologized, saying it wasn't fair of her to yell at me. The only reason she apologized is because she's afraid of how I'll respond.
When she gets home tonight, I'm going to tell her that I don't want her talking to me that way, that even if she doesn't like or love me, she will give me the respect that I deserve. I would say more to her, but all it would do is make it harder to live with her for the near term until she moves out, as well as potentially blowing this up into a huge fight that I don't want.
What I want to say (but won't) is "Two days of crying? Try 48." "One sleepless night? Try 48" "I ignored her for so long? Try a wife who basically abandoned her husband in terms of affection the day their first daughter was born, a wife who instead of trying to repair our R after my cancer, decided to become even more self-centered. And the idea of "creating a family that fits our house/neighborhood etc?" WTH is that? Is she really living in some fantasyland? How did I not see this in her when we were dating? OH MY GOD...
