I know most of what is happening has nothing to do with me and I know this is my husband's ball and that I can't fix him. It is all just so sad. I know I will get through this but I feel so bad for my children. They ask me everyday if we can just go back home.
It's hard for me to say what I want outside the context of my marriage. The only thing I ever wanted in life was a happy family. I didn't have that growing up. My dad left when I was young and never had any contact with me and my mom is a cold-hearted shrew who hates people. I absolutely love being married. I love being a wife. I love being a mom.
What did you used to do with your free time when you were younger and single? You can still have a happy family. It will just look different than you (or I) imagined. What would NOT be a happy family is your kids seeing either of you miserable for the next x years and learning that that's what it's supposed to be like to be married (this is so much easier to write to someone else; much harder to believe for my own sitch.)
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I'm a pretty together gal. I'm smart and have a good career and I have lots of interests. I also have wonderful children. I know I will have a fulfilling life even without my husband. The thing that sends me on a crying jag every time I think about it is the lonliness. My husband and I are really good friends and have great conversation. I miss that. Sometimes I just need that adult stimulation. We also had a good intimate relationship. I miss that time with him....the intimacy and knowing someone on that deep level. I know I can love someone else again but I also know I will never bring a third party into my children's lives until they are grown....that's 12 more years.
Well, you may change your mind about that-- or you may not. You don't have to decide now. I'm so glad you have a career and interests. Can you list a few current ones (I see new goals below)? Yes, it sucks that they've been our best friend and confidante. Though, I don't know about you but I haven't had my best friend in awhile now. He's been gone, detaching from me. Do you have any good girlfriends or siblings, even just to call on the phone?
One of my DB friends posted this, and I really liked it. It's called "How to be alone". You need sound on- it's a video.
(if for some reason this link doesn't work, from the bravofact.com homepage you can search on the title "how to be alone").
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I went to IC in the beginning and it helped me understand my H's A but after a few sessions my C told me to leave my husband. This was a Christian counselor. That did not sit well with me. I truly believe God wants my marriage to work for me, my children and my husband. I do not believe he wants me to walk away. I've been to other therapists before but I have to say I haven't found counseling all that beneficial. I may sign up to talk with a DB coach and next week I have some sessions scheduled with Larry Bilotta and I'm looking forward to those.
I'm not familiar with that name, but whatever works for you is good for you. I am surprised any IC told you to leave your H if there was no abuse or other egregious behavior (I saw there was an A and some people, including me, would not tolerate that, but it's odd for an IC to immediately recommend leaving in that situation...) Maybe there's something I'm missing. OTOH, if he's not happy and not treating you right, and not willing to change, then you could stay and have him be unhappy and not treat you right, or go a separate way.
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My husband hasn't said much about our marriage and what makes him unhappy.
However, most of us know, if we really think about it, what it is that bothers them. Or, maybe it's nothing and it's 100% him (but that's pretty rare).
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I know one of my 180's will be to get more financially savvy. I have been working on a budget and hope to learn some stuff about investing. I've also made sure I look nice whenever he is around.
My GAL goals: 1 - make friends. I don't know a single person in this town outside of work. I'm looking for a church and school is starting soon so I will have a chance to meet some moms 2 - start going to the gym 3 - take up golf 4 - I'm looking for a piano. I've always wanted to play and some of my kids seem to be musically inclined 5 - spend more quality time with my kids. Even though I'm with them all the time I've been emotionally out of touch this past year 6 - learn how to use my camera
Love the list! I know around here I've seen several very low cost seminars through our library or 1-day classes through adult ed on women and finances. Have you ever heard of meetup? It's a website that you can use to hook up with groups that share interests with you. I know a few people on here who have done stuff with groups and really liked it.
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I have a nanny to watch the kids while I work but I feel darn guilty leaving them to do other things. I feel like my time with them is so short and I don't want other people raising my kids. I really hate the idea that I work full time. When we initially moved here I was going to work part-time but he's left and unless I know he is coming home for good I need to make sure I can support my kids. I thought about pushing my husband to start taking them on a schedule but he's just not there emotionally and I'm concerned he is drinking and don't want to expose my children to that behavior.
How old are your kids again? When/how often does H see them? Is he not asking to see them more?
Here's the thing- a lot of us moms work F/T. And it's even harder when we're parenting by ourselves. But the kids deserve not only to have a happy mom (b/c she has her own life and interests), but also a role model for what a parent looks like- you're more than just your kids' mom. I remind myself of this when I feel guilty. The time I DO spend with my D3 is usually pretty high-quality (though there's TV in there :-) and I'm tuned in. And I do my own thing when I can, too. It makes me a better mom to have my own friends and social activities, a lot of which can be done with a sitter after bedtime.
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I've had enough. I told him I love him and want to be married to him but I cannot spend one more day in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who thinks I'm great.
I let him go.
I just can't do this Db stuff. I loved him with all my heart and did the best I could but I cannot control him and I cannot make him love me back. And I'm not going to fake it and act "as if"....I just can't do it
Well, good for you for not suffering a minute longer if you're not getting anything out of what you've been doing. You DO deserve someone who thinks you're great and that's not H at this time. You deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy and his behavior doesn't reflect even that. We can't make them do anything at all.
Re: the faking and acting "as if"- I think some people mis-interpret that to mean they're supposed to act as if the way they're being treated, including the WAS expecting them to wait around for the WAS to decide the fate of the M, is all A-OK. My interpretation is more: act as if you're going to be fine no matter what. Act as if you have a life beyond them (if you don't, start GALing). Act as if you're not going to mope around and hang around forever waiting for someone to change and when it's convenient for them, maybe come crawling back to you. Act as if your life doesn't turn on a dime for them and their whims. "As if" b/c most of us don't feel anything like this at first. But these are healthy thoughts and behaviors, so we fake it til we make it. It's not accepting that their treatment of us or past behavior is ok. It's faking being ok in our own selves, with or without them, until we DO feel ok (and the very act of ACTING, if we do it consistently, causes us to live into the reality of it).
