Well, I did it. I let him go. My hat's off to all of you with the strength to do this DB. I can't do it. H called for the first time in weeks about S6 birthday plans. He wouldn't commit to a plan or time to come over. I asked him what was going on because I deserve the truth. He says he just isn't happy. I don't buy it. I think he has started another affair.
- said he was going for beers with a guy but took a shower before he left, didn't wear underwear, was gone until 1:30 am and took a shower when he got home - found a receipt for two pieces of cake in his wallet - has been spending $40-50 on dinner - no way he is spending that kind of money just on himself - he moved out - keeps telling me he isn't happy - opened a paypal credit card and has been transferring money to it so I don't know how he is spending it
I've had enough. I told him I love him and want to be married to him but I cannot spend one more day in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who thinks I'm great.
I let him go.
I just can't do this Db stuff. I loved him with all my heart and did the best I could but I cannot control him and I cannot make him love me back. And I'm not going to fake it and act "as if"....I just can't do it
Sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Don't worry about if it is DBing or not. Since DB says to do what works, and if you are doing something that doesn't work, then change, almost everything can be DB. About the only thing that isn't DB is the crying and pleading. Taking a hardline stance is often the best thing to do to protect yourself from more emotional abuse and, in some cases, it helps the WAS realize that he is losing his family. But it doesn't always do that, so you can't just do it hoping to get the effect you want. And you are not doing it for a false reason. So, what you are doing is the best that you can do.
I know most of what is happening has nothing to do with me and I know this is my husband's ball and that I can't fix him. It is all just so sad. I know I will get through this but I feel so bad for my children. They ask me everyday if we can just go back home.
It's hard for me to say what I want outside the context of my marriage. The only thing I ever wanted in life was a happy family. I didn't have that growing up. My dad left when I was young and never had any contact with me and my mom is a cold-hearted shrew who hates people. I absolutely love being married. I love being a wife. I love being a mom.
What did you used to do with your free time when you were younger and single? You can still have a happy family. It will just look different than you (or I) imagined. What would NOT be a happy family is your kids seeing either of you miserable for the next x years and learning that that's what it's supposed to be like to be married (this is so much easier to write to someone else; much harder to believe for my own sitch.)
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I'm a pretty together gal. I'm smart and have a good career and I have lots of interests. I also have wonderful children. I know I will have a fulfilling life even without my husband. The thing that sends me on a crying jag every time I think about it is the lonliness. My husband and I are really good friends and have great conversation. I miss that. Sometimes I just need that adult stimulation. We also had a good intimate relationship. I miss that time with him....the intimacy and knowing someone on that deep level. I know I can love someone else again but I also know I will never bring a third party into my children's lives until they are grown....that's 12 more years.
Well, you may change your mind about that-- or you may not. You don't have to decide now. I'm so glad you have a career and interests. Can you list a few current ones (I see new goals below)? Yes, it sucks that they've been our best friend and confidante. Though, I don't know about you but I haven't had my best friend in awhile now. He's been gone, detaching from me. Do you have any good girlfriends or siblings, even just to call on the phone?
One of my DB friends posted this, and I really liked it. It's called "How to be alone". You need sound on- it's a video.
(if for some reason this link doesn't work, from the bravofact.com homepage you can search on the title "how to be alone").
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I went to IC in the beginning and it helped me understand my H's A but after a few sessions my C told me to leave my husband. This was a Christian counselor. That did not sit well with me. I truly believe God wants my marriage to work for me, my children and my husband. I do not believe he wants me to walk away. I've been to other therapists before but I have to say I haven't found counseling all that beneficial. I may sign up to talk with a DB coach and next week I have some sessions scheduled with Larry Bilotta and I'm looking forward to those.
I'm not familiar with that name, but whatever works for you is good for you. I am surprised any IC told you to leave your H if there was no abuse or other egregious behavior (I saw there was an A and some people, including me, would not tolerate that, but it's odd for an IC to immediately recommend leaving in that situation...) Maybe there's something I'm missing. OTOH, if he's not happy and not treating you right, and not willing to change, then you could stay and have him be unhappy and not treat you right, or go a separate way.
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My husband hasn't said much about our marriage and what makes him unhappy.
However, most of us know, if we really think about it, what it is that bothers them. Or, maybe it's nothing and it's 100% him (but that's pretty rare).
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I know one of my 180's will be to get more financially savvy. I have been working on a budget and hope to learn some stuff about investing. I've also made sure I look nice whenever he is around.
My GAL goals: 1 - make friends. I don't know a single person in this town outside of work. I'm looking for a church and school is starting soon so I will have a chance to meet some moms 2 - start going to the gym 3 - take up golf 4 - I'm looking for a piano. I've always wanted to play and some of my kids seem to be musically inclined 5 - spend more quality time with my kids. Even though I'm with them all the time I've been emotionally out of touch this past year 6 - learn how to use my camera
Love the list! I know around here I've seen several very low cost seminars through our library or 1-day classes through adult ed on women and finances. Have you ever heard of meetup? It's a website that you can use to hook up with groups that share interests with you. I know a few people on here who have done stuff with groups and really liked it.
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I have a nanny to watch the kids while I work but I feel darn guilty leaving them to do other things. I feel like my time with them is so short and I don't want other people raising my kids. I really hate the idea that I work full time. When we initially moved here I was going to work part-time but he's left and unless I know he is coming home for good I need to make sure I can support my kids. I thought about pushing my husband to start taking them on a schedule but he's just not there emotionally and I'm concerned he is drinking and don't want to expose my children to that behavior.
How old are your kids again? When/how often does H see them? Is he not asking to see them more?
Here's the thing- a lot of us moms work F/T. And it's even harder when we're parenting by ourselves. But the kids deserve not only to have a happy mom (b/c she has her own life and interests), but also a role model for what a parent looks like- you're more than just your kids' mom. I remind myself of this when I feel guilty. The time I DO spend with my D3 is usually pretty high-quality (though there's TV in there :-) and I'm tuned in. And I do my own thing when I can, too. It makes me a better mom to have my own friends and social activities, a lot of which can be done with a sitter after bedtime.
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I've had enough. I told him I love him and want to be married to him but I cannot spend one more day in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who thinks I'm great.
I let him go.
I just can't do this Db stuff. I loved him with all my heart and did the best I could but I cannot control him and I cannot make him love me back. And I'm not going to fake it and act "as if"....I just can't do it
Well, good for you for not suffering a minute longer if you're not getting anything out of what you've been doing. You DO deserve someone who thinks you're great and that's not H at this time. You deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy and his behavior doesn't reflect even that. We can't make them do anything at all.
Re: the faking and acting "as if"- I think some people mis-interpret that to mean they're supposed to act as if the way they're being treated, including the WAS expecting them to wait around for the WAS to decide the fate of the M, is all A-OK. My interpretation is more: act as if you're going to be fine no matter what. Act as if you have a life beyond them (if you don't, start GALing). Act as if you're not going to mope around and hang around forever waiting for someone to change and when it's convenient for them, maybe come crawling back to you. Act as if your life doesn't turn on a dime for them and their whims. "As if" b/c most of us don't feel anything like this at first. But these are healthy thoughts and behaviors, so we fake it til we make it. It's not accepting that their treatment of us or past behavior is ok. It's faking being ok in our own selves, with or without them, until we DO feel ok (and the very act of ACTING, if we do it consistently, causes us to live into the reality of it).
Thanks, NB. I really appreciate your long posts and thoughts.
I still do most of the things I did when I was younger. The only thing I really stopped doing was volleyball and I don't do as much with friends as I used to. I will be more social when I find friends here. I'm definitely going to check out meetup. I've never heard of that before. I have some very good friends I talk with on the phone regularly and I am very close with my husband's family. I know people say not to bring family into this stuff but they love me and my husband and have been very supportive. Not one person has every been divorced in his family.
My husband was in the midst of his affair when I was getting IC. My counselor felt as though he really loved me but she thought he had a lot of personal issues to work through and that he was an alcoholic and that I might have to let him go to work on those things. I think she felt I was too together to be with someone who had so many issues.
My husbands complaints about me have been that I don't follow a budget so that's why one of my 180's is to learn about finances. He also says I don't listen very well which is true and I'm working hard on that. I'm pretty impatient and tend to interupt people. Another complaint is that I yell at the kids too much and I do that mostly out of stress because he hasn't helped much with raising them and raising 5 kids can be stressful! especially when I also work. I'm really working on that and have been much better since I've been here.
H is not seeing or taking the kids at all. He pops in about once a week for dinner. I'm totally baffled. He is the one who wanted a large family and he loves and adores them. I think he is so lost and confused right now that he doesn't even realize that he hasn't been helping me or seeing them. I've been here two months and he took one of my daughters on a daddy date for her birthday and that's it.
He was pretty upset when I told him he was free. He says he loves me and he is sorry he has been acting like an a$$ and has been hurting me. I definitely don't want my marriage to end. I really love him. It's just so hard to be in limbo and part of me thinks I need to let him go in order for him to realize what he is doing. We did not have a rocky marriage. We were genuinely good friends and enjoyed each other's company. We have had to live apart for an entire year and I think it gave my husband so much time to sit and think and dwell about his life. He is really miserable and I don't think he knows how to get out of his pit and enjoy his life again. He is trying to figure out why he is miserable and I am the easiest person to blame.
I reread DR today, especially the act as if part. I get it better after reading it the second time. We are supposed to act as if our spouses are going to respond in a positive way instead of a negative way because the way we approach them can impact their behavior. I've been guilty of that for sure. I tend to mind read too and am usually way off base....need to stop that.
Thanks, NB. I really appreciate your long posts and thoughts.
I still do most of the things I did when I was younger. The only thing I really stopped doing was volleyball and I don't do as much with friends as I used to. I will be more social when I find friends here. I'm definitely going to check out meetup. I've never heard of that before. I have some very good friends I talk with on the phone regularly and I am very close with my husband's family. I know people say not to bring family into this stuff but they love me and my husband and have been very supportive. Not one person has every been divorced in his family.
I am glad to hear you've got some support. You haven't posted in a couple days- everything ok (under the circumstances)?
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My husband was in the midst of his affair when I was getting IC. My counselor felt as though he really loved me but she thought he had a lot of personal issues to work through and that he was an alcoholic and that I might have to let him go to work on those things. I think she felt I was too together to be with someone who had so many issues.
Our MC told me the same thing! Wondered what I was doing with H- didn't encourage me to get a D, but was baffled after knowing us for 8 months.
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My husbands complaints about me have been that I don't follow a budget so that's why one of my 180's is to learn about finances. He also says I don't listen very well which is true and I'm working hard on that. I'm pretty impatient and tend to interupt people. Another complaint is that I yell at the kids too much and I do that mostly out of stress because he hasn't helped much with raising them and raising 5 kids can be stressful! especially when I also work. I'm really working on that and have been much better since I've been here.
Sounds like you both agree and value all of these things, so that's good. For YOU. These things are good for you, for your kids, for independence and any future R's you have, platonic or romantic. Good goals, good job.
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H is not seeing or taking the kids at all. He pops in about once a week for dinner. I'm totally baffled. He is the one who wanted a large family and he loves and adores them. I think he is so lost and confused right now that he doesn't even realize that he hasn't been helping me or seeing them. I've been here two months and he took one of my daughters on a daddy date for her birthday and that's it.
That is disgusting. How a parent can totally abandon his kids for his selfish reasons is just incomprehensible to me. I'm sure he has good qualities or you wouldn't have married and had a fmaily with him, but where is his duty to his kids at least, if not you? How old are they? How are you explaining this to them??
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He was pretty upset when I told him he was free. He says he loves me and he is sorry he has been acting like an a$$ and has been hurting me. I definitely don't want my marriage to end. I really love him. It's just so hard to be in limbo and part of me thinks I need to let him go in order for him to realize what he is doing. We did not have a rocky marriage. We were genuinely good friends and enjoyed each other's company. We have had to live apart for an entire year and I think it gave my husband so much time to sit and think and dwell about his life. He is really miserable and I don't think he knows how to get out of his pit and enjoy his life again. He is trying to figure out why he is miserable and I am the easiest person to blame.
Yes, I can relate. Funny, when I feel down I go inside myself to seek answers. When our H's feel lousy, they look around for a convenient target to blame. The sad thing is that they can get rid of us but it's that saying: "no matter where you go, there YOU are." they take themselves with them.
Do you ever think about if he is incapable of changing from how he's acting now, what you would want to do? Hang in there forever? Go your own way? What that would model for the kids either way? No judgement here, just asking- I had to ask myself this, too. I've decided (though still sad and a tiny bit of hope that he will turn around) that I do not want anything I'm seeing now, the way I'm being treated, and my sadness and sense of loss is over what USED to be and what I thought COULD be, not what currently IS. The thing that sucks is that they weren't always this way- so we are able to remember good times and know they're capable of so much more as partners. But unable to give it to us now.
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I reread DR today, especially the act as if part. I get it better after reading it the second time. We are supposed to act as if our spouses are going to respond in a positive way instead of a negative way because the way we approach them can impact their behavior. I've been guilty of that for sure. I tend to mind read too and am usually way off base....need to stop that.
Yeah, that's good to stop that if you can :-). I think it's more than about their response though. Remember this is for you first and foremost. I know, as someone else recently wrote, most of us start out DBing hoping to get the other person to notice our changes (and the book even says that), and change their minds. But if that's our primary or sole goal, we're not much better off than before, b/c we'll give it up if they don't- it won't be a lasting change. It's like the comparison of people who go on a diet to achieve a short-term, often external superficial goal and then go back to their bad habits and gain it all back, vs. someone who makes a lifestyle change to feel better and live longer as a way of life, if they look better, that's a great by-product, but that's not the only reason they're doing it. It's to make them feel better and healthier. As, IMO, DB, 180s and GAL all should be.
