You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Well, that sucked. I got to pony camp in plenty of time and stood off to the side to get a good angle for pictures. STBXW got there at the last second and came and stood right next to me.

So we watched the pony show together, which I'm sure made D8 happy.

But I got the same familiar feeling -- my stomach clenched, my heart raced, my mind whirled.

D8 did great and she grabbed my camera after and took a picture of me. We headed inside where D8 got the "Little Miss Sunshine" award.

STBXW asked me if I wanted D11's suitcase for the family campground now or if she wanted me to drop it off tonight. I said "I'll take it now." I don't want her coming by tonight.

But it meant I had to wait and go to the giftshop together. STBXW glanced my way but I just kept fiddling with my camera or looking at D8.

Part of this is an act. My own 180. I spent most of last year following the DB rules of being "up" whenever I was around her and looking for opportunities to talk.

That didn't work. She filed for divorce anyway and after the first mediation session she told me all I do is talk, talk, talk, I never listen.

So now I never talk when she's around. She no longer needs to know what I'm thinking.

The other part is still just hurt, anger, pain.

After I was thinking about Monday's trip to the campground. It may be the last time I ever step foot in the place. It's STBXW's childhood. I always just kind of tolerated the place. The girls want me to go because there childhood was ME there swimming with them while STBXW and the MIL sat on the beach or at the trailer.

So for them I'll make it a great day.

I know I have to forgive and I know I have to do better because it robs the girls a little bit of their happiness. I'm just not there yet. What's the saying. You let go of the old life when the new life is better. I'm just not there yet.

[ClingingToHope]

Have D8 and a friend -- who is seriously trying and I'm doing my best. I pick up D11 in 90 minutes from horse back riding camp.

Mind is still whirling about STBXW's trip to Sturgis. This is where the optimist in me gets me in trouble.

I've been dreading this trip of hers for months. But part of me deep down thinks this will be good. She'll be in a car with her best friend for 11 hours and her best friend is a big reason we got together in the first place.

She'll spend a week drinking and in the past when she was out partying she was eager to see me after because she'd remember how lucky she was.

That's the optimist in me and I can't kill the guy.

The realist is that if anything she's on the lookout for a new guy if she hasn't already found one and is going on the trip partially to be with him.

This past week I've been worrying that this is the best it gets for me in terms of acceptance. I worry that I'll always go to pieces when I see her.

What happens when the D becomes final? Does a light-switch go off in your head? I hope so. I still Cling To Hope.

[Gardener]

CTH,
I'm sorry about your dread.
And I completely understand the dichotomy of the Optomist and the Realist.

What happens when the D becomes final? Does a light-switch go off in your head? I hope so. I still Cling To Hope.

For me? I thought it had. Turns out I was wrong.
Maybe, like the saying about happiness, detachment is a journey, not a destination.

Peace,

[ClingingToHope]

This next week is going to be extremely difficult. I hope to wake up on Aug. 16 knowing one of the bigger hurdles is gone. The next will be the actual D.

Have D11. Picking up more friends to go swimming. I think the pain will just be there all week -- a dull ache.

[BobbiJo]

I must have a dimmer switch or something. The light fades sometimes, but I haven't been able to shut it off entirely...

[ClingingToHope]

BBJ, that's what I worry about. The pain will always be there ... perhaps in a dark corner, waiting to come out.

Picked up a couple more friends for swimming. We hit the pool for 2 1/2 hours and that took my mind off things.

Now, I'm heating up a pizza and we're all heading to church. I finally found a fourth for Great America tomorrow and along with Monday's trip I've loaded up the next three days.

So we'll see.

I always have the Serenity prayer to fall back on. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and wisdom to recognize the difference.

[ClingingToHope]

The church message was awesome. If you bury your sins and bad habits then it's like leaving garbage in the garage. It begins to stink and ruins the rest of your life.

If you live life in the open then there's nothing to run from, nothing to fear. You need to get your sins out in the open.

I love this church. It gets me re-focused.

After, the girls and their friends went to Baskin & Robbins and we were having a great time.

Then STBXW called. I decided not to answer and give the phone to D11 to call her back.

For some reason, D11 waited until we got into the car and then put STBXW on speaker phone. STBXW proudly told them she's in South Dakota and they had a merry old conversation and I had to hear her voice ... and every single word made me angry.

Bad, bad thoughts.

So I'm pouring them out here. I hate STBXW for going on this trip. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. I hate STBXW for giving up on us without working on it. One counseling session. What a joke.

During the conversation, D11 told STBXW that I was getting the house in October and STBXW sounded happy. And I hated that. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

I know I have to let go, but I am not there yet.

I worry I will never get there.

After dropping off the girls' friends I told D11 to please not put STBXW on speaker phone. She asked why and I said that her conversations with her mom should be between them and I should not hear them.

That is true, but I decided not to add that hearing STBXW's voice hurts and if I had my druthers I'd never hear it ever again.

[newmama]

C2H, I AM SURE that most of us relate to how painful that must have been to hear your stbxw talking about her house, let alone just hearing her VOICE!

You WILL get there. I think it might happen when we accept that we each are on a different journey, stbx and ourselves, and allow ourselves to live life as if they are not part of our picture, but just part of our kids' picture. Oh yeah, S has his visit with his dad at 5 (like it is a dr. appt)

I was so pleased to read that you told your D to turn off the speaker when talking to her mom!!!!

[ClingingToHope]

Got the girls to sleep. I love putting them to sleep. That last 15 minute conversation is the best part of my day.

Couple things from tonight and last Wednesday.

Tonight, D11 was talking about the new house I'm going to rent when she said she wishes she "didn't have two houses." She wishes STBXW and I were still together.

I said that's what I wish too. There was some more conversation on that, but not as clear.

The girl we are taking with to Great America has divorced parents and I think D11 was thinking about that.

Last Wednesday, my night with D8 alone since D11 was at horse back riding camp.

We were going to sleep and out of the blue D8 asks, "what's the worst thing that's ever happened" to me?

I told her STBXW "divorcing me is the worst thing that's ever happened. I miss STBXW and you girls every day that we're not together."

With that she went to sleep.

I should be doing that too. Long day tomorrow AND Monday.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, seeing and hearing our kids' pain is the worst part of this. Sometimes I don't even know what to say- like what's the right thing to say that will help them? I guess being truthful without showing any disrespect or animosity towards the other parent is probably a good start so I think you said the right thing.