Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[MM78]

I just found this site 2 days ago and since then I'm 125 pages into the Divorce Remedy, I've been reading as many threads as possible, and watching some of the YouTube videos I found with Michele. So I know I have tons more to learn, but I'm starting to pick up on the basic foundation and wanted to post my story so I could get feedback as things come up.

Us: Met in college 14 years ago - I'm his first girlfriend, first everything, he is my 2nd ever relationship. We've been together ever since. After college the relationship became more distant as I lived on my own and he lived in the city attending medical school. We saw each other less frequently and he changed. Before we married I asked him about the changes and asked if that was his new personality and if it was permanent and he assured me that it wasn't, it was just the stress of medical school and being constantly tested, grilled, etc. After med school we married and he started surgery residency (one of the most grueling). That was difficult because married life was not how I expected. My married friends were going out to dinner on Fridays with their spouses and I was home alone because mine was working 40 hours straight. Our schedules were off and we started sleeping in separate rooms because of that (I go to bed around midnight, hours after him, and his alarm goes off from 4-4:30am). This made me a little sad but overall I was ok with it, we were doing what we needed to make our lives work. Just 4 months into our marriage youngest brother passed away suddenly (suicide). This spun our whole world out of control and we both dealt with it in different ways. He never wanted to talk about it, just went on with work. I eventually sought counseling. That event also moved our life plans forward and by the following spring we were pregnant with our first daughter. He was always ready for a family before I was and I was ready to get on board then.

He kept up the crazy hours at work (100 hrs/week). He had a few close friends one of which was a female that was one year behind him in the program. Eventually he told me she was his 'best friend'. She is not attractive and everyone including him thought she was/is possibly gay so although it bothered me I tried to be ok with it because I know their work experiences are difficult to handle sometimes and I knew he needed to have these work friends. Along comes our second daughter (a little bit by surprise since I needed medical assistance to get pregnant the first time). Around that time I also noticed H and his 'best friend' text back and forth around 100 times a day and I called him on this. He got angry, couldn't believe I would ever think anything like that and basically was just infuriated. But the seed was planted and I felt things were not right.

I took the chances I could to also befriend her - I made her a cake for her birthday, took her to the zoo with my kids, was just nice and tried to be friends with her too at his suggestion. Meanwhile communication between H and I pretty much had died (more than it had in the med school years) and he started hanging out with his friend more and more. They went to movies (movies that he knew I wouldn't want to see), went to bars, played pool, etc. I always made comments but he was kind of protective of her and said she had no other friends and no family nearby. So that all continued... fast forward to this spring....

We sold our house in May and the kids and I moved 500 miles away for his next job which was to start in July. So he stayed behind for a few months until he was done with work. He moved here with us on Father's Day and things were tense the first week or so, but I also knew he was trying to quit smoking so I tried to really keep the kids from annoying him and give him space, but I really had missed my husband for the last month and a half. On July 1st I said to him that I felt really insecure in my marriage - mostly because he and 'BFF' were still texting NONSTOP. He'd text her throughout dinners, when we were in the car, all the time. Then her car needed to be fixed and she gave the shop HIS number so they could tell him what was wrong and then he'd call her to explain it. I made comments about she could have someone else, like her father, handle that and I was tired of him being a surrogate spouse to this woman. So after my insecure comment it all came spilling out. He and BFF admitted the week before he moved down with us that their relationship was inappropriate. He said they said they'd stop the texting once he moved, but that "they couldn't". Then he started with the relationship has been broken for a long time, ILYBINILWY, you deserve more than this, you did nothing wrong, it's all my fault, you deserve to be happy, I can't make you happy, she and I have a connection that you and I don't have, I love the kids but I don't love you......

I was shattered. I knew we had some issues but I thought that we had a good marriage, but our weak point was communication. For 3 nights or so we talked alot. I am positive it's only an EA and never got physical. I cried, he cried, I know I made comments I shouldn't have (like, well I better lose weight for my eharmony picture) but I was never mean or vindictive and he has said that too. I told him I love him with all his faults and no one will ever love him as much as me other than his mother. I made it very clear that I am committed to my vows and to my marriage and stand firm in my decision. I do not think we are broken, I think we can very much fix this (if both of us want it). I know we've had a bad 5-10 years (out of 14) but that we had alot come our way and that residency was not going to be a walk in the park. That itself takes a toll on any marriage let alone his brother's death and other things we have dealt with. I made it clear that even 10 years of rough times to me did not mean we are broken but that we can fix things and be better off for the next 50 years. I am in this long term as long as he is.

Currently we are in limboland (at least I am). I am still firm in what I want but he doesn't know. Right now all his focus is going to the Medical Board exams coming up this week. We discussed me and the kids taking a break and visiting my parents for a few weeks after the boards, but I don't want to go. I have said things I shouldn't have said (after having read the DR) but I have not begged or pleaded. It's hard for me to GAL here because we just moved, I have no friends (but I did make 1) and I don't want to make friends and invest in people here if I could be packing up all my stuff and moving 500 miles back sometime soon. I have been trying to read and watch movies and am thinking about joining the Y and taking up photography in the meantime. I am a stay at home mom and I have applied for several jobs down here (I have a BS degree and worked until my youngest was born) but have not received any bites on my resume. I'm not sure I want to work either because the preschool my girls are enrolled in is a 9-12pm program and I'd have to find them another new daycare. I feel they've been through enough changes with the move that I don't want to keep changing things on them. I am their primary caretaker 98% of the time, daddy just shows up after work to play for 20 minutes usually.

I have a IC session scheduled at the end of August (1st one I could get) and I am working hard on trying to keep my moods stable, focusing on having fun with the kids, and being as upbeat as possible while I keep reading the Divorce Remedy (DB'ing book is due to arrive on Tuesday). More than anything I just want to know what my future holds. I cannot really fathom not being married to the person I have loved for nearly half my life and shattering our family.


I hope that is enough to give you a good understanding of where we are at. I am all ears and trying to read as quickly as possible during their naptime and after the kids go to bed.