I just found this site 2 days ago and since then I'm 125 pages into the Divorce Remedy, I've been reading as many threads as possible, and watching some of the YouTube videos I found with Michele. So I know I have tons more to learn, but I'm starting to pick up on the basic foundation and wanted to post my story so I could get feedback as things come up.
Us: Met in college 14 years ago - I'm his first girlfriend, first everything, he is my 2nd ever relationship. We've been together ever since. After college the relationship became more distant as I lived on my own and he lived in the city attending medical school. We saw each other less frequently and he changed. Before we married I asked him about the changes and asked if that was his new personality and if it was permanent and he assured me that it wasn't, it was just the stress of medical school and being constantly tested, grilled, etc. After med school we married and he started surgery residency (one of the most grueling). That was difficult because married life was not how I expected. My married friends were going out to dinner on Fridays with their spouses and I was home alone because mine was working 40 hours straight. Our schedules were off and we started sleeping in separate rooms because of that (I go to bed around midnight, hours after him, and his alarm goes off from 4-4:30am). This made me a little sad but overall I was ok with it, we were doing what we needed to make our lives work. Just 4 months into our marriage youngest brother passed away suddenly (suicide). This spun our whole world out of control and we both dealt with it in different ways. He never wanted to talk about it, just went on with work. I eventually sought counseling. That event also moved our life plans forward and by the following spring we were pregnant with our first daughter. He was always ready for a family before I was and I was ready to get on board then.
He kept up the crazy hours at work (100 hrs/week). He had a few close friends one of which was a female that was one year behind him in the program. Eventually he told me she was his 'best friend'. She is not attractive and everyone including him thought she was/is possibly gay so although it bothered me I tried to be ok with it because I know their work experiences are difficult to handle sometimes and I knew he needed to have these work friends. Along comes our second daughter (a little bit by surprise since I needed medical assistance to get pregnant the first time). Around that time I also noticed H and his 'best friend' text back and forth around 100 times a day and I called him on this. He got angry, couldn't believe I would ever think anything like that and basically was just infuriated. But the seed was planted and I felt things were not right.
I took the chances I could to also befriend her - I made her a cake for her birthday, took her to the zoo with my kids, was just nice and tried to be friends with her too at his suggestion. Meanwhile communication between H and I pretty much had died (more than it had in the med school years) and he started hanging out with his friend more and more. They went to movies (movies that he knew I wouldn't want to see), went to bars, played pool, etc. I always made comments but he was kind of protective of her and said she had no other friends and no family nearby. So that all continued... fast forward to this spring....
We sold our house in May and the kids and I moved 500 miles away for his next job which was to start in July. So he stayed behind for a few months until he was done with work. He moved here with us on Father's Day and things were tense the first week or so, but I also knew he was trying to quit smoking so I tried to really keep the kids from annoying him and give him space, but I really had missed my husband for the last month and a half. On July 1st I said to him that I felt really insecure in my marriage - mostly because he and 'BFF' were still texting NONSTOP. He'd text her throughout dinners, when we were in the car, all the time. Then her car needed to be fixed and she gave the shop HIS number so they could tell him what was wrong and then he'd call her to explain it. I made comments about she could have someone else, like her father, handle that and I was tired of him being a surrogate spouse to this woman. So after my insecure comment it all came spilling out. He and BFF admitted the week before he moved down with us that their relationship was inappropriate. He said they said they'd stop the texting once he moved, but that "they couldn't". Then he started with the relationship has been broken for a long time, ILYBINILWY, you deserve more than this, you did nothing wrong, it's all my fault, you deserve to be happy, I can't make you happy, she and I have a connection that you and I don't have, I love the kids but I don't love you......
I was shattered. I knew we had some issues but I thought that we had a good marriage, but our weak point was communication. For 3 nights or so we talked alot. I am positive it's only an EA and never got physical. I cried, he cried, I know I made comments I shouldn't have (like, well I better lose weight for my eharmony picture) but I was never mean or vindictive and he has said that too. I told him I love him with all his faults and no one will ever love him as much as me other than his mother. I made it very clear that I am committed to my vows and to my marriage and stand firm in my decision. I do not think we are broken, I think we can very much fix this (if both of us want it). I know we've had a bad 5-10 years (out of 14) but that we had alot come our way and that residency was not going to be a walk in the park. That itself takes a toll on any marriage let alone his brother's death and other things we have dealt with. I made it clear that even 10 years of rough times to me did not mean we are broken but that we can fix things and be better off for the next 50 years. I am in this long term as long as he is.
Currently we are in limboland (at least I am). I am still firm in what I want but he doesn't know. Right now all his focus is going to the Medical Board exams coming up this week. We discussed me and the kids taking a break and visiting my parents for a few weeks after the boards, but I don't want to go. I have said things I shouldn't have said (after having read the DR) but I have not begged or pleaded. It's hard for me to GAL here because we just moved, I have no friends (but I did make 1) and I don't want to make friends and invest in people here if I could be packing up all my stuff and moving 500 miles back sometime soon. I have been trying to read and watch movies and am thinking about joining the Y and taking up photography in the meantime. I am a stay at home mom and I have applied for several jobs down here (I have a BS degree and worked until my youngest was born) but have not received any bites on my resume. I'm not sure I want to work either because the preschool my girls are enrolled in is a 9-12pm program and I'd have to find them another new daycare. I feel they've been through enough changes with the move that I don't want to keep changing things on them. I am their primary caretaker 98% of the time, daddy just shows up after work to play for 20 minutes usually.
I have a IC session scheduled at the end of August (1st one I could get) and I am working hard on trying to keep my moods stable, focusing on having fun with the kids, and being as upbeat as possible while I keep reading the Divorce Remedy (DB'ing book is due to arrive on Tuesday). More than anything I just want to know what my future holds. I cannot really fathom not being married to the person I have loved for nearly half my life and shattering our family.
I hope that is enough to give you a good understanding of where we are at. I am all ears and trying to read as quickly as possible during their naptime and after the kids go to bed.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
Wanted to add that he and 'BFF' still text all day. She texts him every single morning at 5am when she gets up. I asked him why he responds and he said 'something to do'. But they are still very much in contact. I know 2 weeks ago that his other friend (I am friends with this friend's wife) asked if she talked to my H and she said 'not really he's going through family problems and doesn't want to talk to me right now'. But I guess she got him to respond again eventually. Had said during those first 3 nights of talking that she was the only good thing in his life right now and he wasn't ready to give her up. BUT he admits that the relationship will not go anywhere, he is not attracted to her, after she is done this year and moves next year they will have nothing in common.
Last Monday he mentioned he wanted to go back to our home town to visit people and when I asked who he said one of his male friends and her. I didn't say anything then.
If this comes up again and he wants to go visit her how am I supposed to handle that? Am I really supposed to try to let him just 'be free'? I'm not sure if I can do that. I feel like how can you even think of leaving your family in a new city (that we moved to for YOUR job) to go visit this person you claim you 'love' who is not your wife? I feel like we need to figure out more where WE are at before he sees her again. I am not sure I would handle a whole weekend down here in the new town by myself knowing he was going to visit with her back at home.
More to add: We are in this new town and he chose this position so we could move away from her and family so that we could work on being happier as a family. He said we moved here and now he's not happy, to which I said relocating wasn't going magically change anything we need to communicate and work on things. He also chose this place because no where in the entire STATE is there a job for the specialty she is going into. So she cannot come here next year at all. I don't understand how for the past year he conscientiously wanted to move us here and wanted our family to work out and then 12 days into being here decides it's not working.
Also, he has said he hates life. He hates his new job, he hates this place, hate himself. So I take a small comfort in the fact that it's not ME that is making him depressed. I just happen to be here and am the only one he can take it out on. He is depressed all around and I have told him that we can't be happy together until both of us are happy individually. I support him and am here to help in any way for him to find happiness. Like I said above, in the meantime I am trying to work on making myself happier. He is still smoking (but has cut back) and drinks a few beers each night. And in the interest of total honesty here so that I can get the best help from all of you that have BTDT, we did have sex one night last week. I asked him if he was interested - purely from a physical perspective not emotional. I made it clear it wasn't a ploy to get him to say he loved me or anything, I was just interested in doing that and he agreed to. However he has said that in general he doesn't like to be touched or held and would be find never having sex again. (I think maybe some of that is due to him being depressed.)
Last edited by MM78; 08/08/1001:49 AM.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
MM, you and I have some of the same issues. My hubby is a pathologist and we moved away from my home and friends for his job when he got out of residency. He changed after our daughter was born, our second child. He started drinking and was depressed. I just found out about an affair he has been having with a friend of mine, he has moved out, but has said so many of the things your hubby has said to you. Hang in there. There are programs for physicians to deal with the pressure they face. He needs to be reminded who supported him throughout med school and residency and who will be there through the end. You don't need to change who you are, because if you are the same person, he needs to realize what he is messing up.
He needs to find the support at work to get help. Most medical practices have confidential hotlines because this happens a lot.
Me: 34 H: 34 S: 8 D: 5 M: 10 yrs T: 12 yrs Affair: 7-1-10 (lasted 2 months, I caught him by reading emails, there was no sign of stopping until I caught him) S: 7-16-10
Packergirl, I totally agree about the counseling, but he will not go. He thinks it only works for 'people who believe in that sort of thing' and he doesn't. Plus he is new at this position and would never ask for time off for any appointments, let alone something with a stigma like this.
He's home studying today up locked away in the 'man room' and the kids and I are dressed and heading out for a long walk. Going to see if we can walk to a local bakery. My plan is to just keep chugging along, reading the rest of the book (I'm past page 200 now) and then reading Divorce Busting when it arrives Tuesday.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
My H pulled the rug out shortly after we moved also. Not 500 miles, but it dramatically changed my life. Went from a 15 min commute to an hour and a half. His went from an hour to 10 min.
Your H has a lot of issues he needs to work through. As I told packergirl, take care of YOU. Read the book, read threads, and read the threads with quotes - I found those really helpful.
It take both H and W to get to this point, but the WAS will not own their part right away. For me, I'm not sure my H will ever be accountable. Hang in there -
Last edited by LRT Land; 08/08/1004:21 PM.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Thank you LRT. It's nice to just know that I'm not the first (or the last) person to be in these shoes. I feel like when I see all my friend's updates on facebook that everyone is having a great time in life, and having a great time with their spouse while my life is just falling apart in pieces.
I am thinking of going tomorrow to join the Y - getting an individual membership (cheaper than one with the kids) and going after I put them to bed. He's usually home by 8 so I can go at 8 or 8:30 - that would be a 180 for me, and I wouldn't be home when he is to be tempted to grill him about if he wants to be married. (Not that I have recently, but it's so tempting to march up there and ask!)
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
There are programs for physicians to deal with the pressure they face. .... He needs to find the support at work to get help. Most medical practices have confidential hotlines because this happens a lot.
And I do wish with everything he'd use these options available to him. The other night he came home to eat dinner and said he had to go back to work to talk to a family about withdrawing care for a loved one to let them pass. With that going on in his daily work life, part of me thinks - wake up! Can't you see what are you missing! Life is so short! And the other part of me understands why he can't be happy himself and things are so gloomy for him. That is the pressure that led him to developing such a close friendship/relationship with OW.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
I too am in your shoes. I left my home, family, friends, job and city to move 500 miles to be with my husband, also an MD and he has totally abandoned me and our 5 children. It makes it doubly hard when you are there alone. I don't have any advice but I'll say a prayer for you. :-)
Definitely join the Y!! I joined when we first moved up to GB and it has helped me make friends and maintain a schedule. You need your time to take care of yourself. You could even set a goal. I wanted to run a half-marathon and do a triathlon, and I have done that and plan to do more. I got a training schedule from one of the certified Y trainers and keeping to that schedule has been a nice way to keep my mind off my family struggles.
Seriously, hang in there. I know how hard it will be for him to face the fact that he needs therapy, especially since he's an MD and knows "everything." My husband has finally started going and I think it's helping him. One thing the therapist said, and I think it's true, is that oftentimes professionals like MDs, CEO's, etc, are really smart but lack the emotional skills most people have.
Focus on yourself and your kids. Disregard your FB friends, because everyone seems have something they are hiding. Do your best to go out and meet people in your new community. Your older daughter might benefit from preschool and then you could meet the moms there and become involved that way. I joined my daughter's preschool board of directors, which helped me meet more people.
Me 34 H 34 S 8 D 5 M 10 y T 12 y S 7-16-10
Me: 34 H: 34 S: 8 D: 5 M: 10 yrs T: 12 yrs Affair: 7-1-10 (lasted 2 months, I caught him by reading emails, there was no sign of stopping until I caught him) S: 7-16-10
Grateful - hugs to you back. I am struggling taking care of just two children, having five I'm sure is difficult right now. And yet at the same time they must also make you smile alot.
Packer - I'm going to try to join tomorrow. I have a friend that just trained for a tri and you must be amazing! That takes a ton of dedication. I tried and failed completing the Couch 2 5k last summer but maybe I can try again now.
We left him alone all day - I realized that he came downstairs to eat lunch and probably wondered where we were. My car was here but we weren't. I came back with a pastry for him so he realized where we walked and my what a workout that walk was with 80lbs of kid and stroller. So I got some exercise for the day. I messed up then and went in to the room to give him the pastry and asked if he was ok, if the girls were quiet enough for him to study and then I said something about how I tried to back off and give him space to study. That was a mistake on my part.
Later I did knock on the door and go in to collect dirty laundry and did not saying anything that time. He just texted me now to see if I wanted to go out for a quick dinner with the kids in an hour or if I already had plans for them. So we are going out for a quick bite, then it's their bathtime, then bedtime, then I can finish the Robx post I'm trying to read here and have my unwinding time. I'll probably finish the DR book tonight.
Still open to any other input if I'm doing anything wrong.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
