Stitching together a new quilt

[FindingMyVoice]

LOL, that was 20 years ago (but you can see it left an impression). Smile.

Lol! Well congratulations anyway! Even 20 years ago, I'm impressed! I bailed on the first calculus (or two!) classes I took when I realized how badly I was blowing them! I think by the third go, I just barely passed. Numbers are not my strong point.

[TimeHeals]

PG, I am trying to figure out how to correctly phrase "lower your expectations while setting small goals and working at them" so that it sounds better and more optimistic

[Concerned_Listener]

FMV,
"Breaking the Patterns of Depression" by Michael Yapko may be a good place to start. He is a psychologist who treats depression from a cognitive-behavioral perspective. There are many "Learn by Doing" and "Pause and Reflect" exercises in the book.

CL

[FindingMyVoice]

Time, No worries, I get what you're saying.

CL, thanks very much - I'll look into that book. Always interested to try a new author.

Thanks guys, for all your time and insights this morning.

[dday101798]

Hi FMV,

Finally found your thread.

I Don't think I've seen, how long have you been piecing things?

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi dday! Thanks so much for stopping by! I read your post today and felt badly you've been having a bit of a tough few days. Lots of conflicting emotions by the sounds of it? It must be difficult to stay positive, when you're hearing a lot of troubled marriage stories around you at work and home. Don't forget to have your date night with your wife; just keep your head down and focus on you, her, and your kids. The rest of it - it just doesn't matter.

In answer to your question, well let's see - I thought I was ready in late May or early June, I think, and made a post or two here. But I hadn't come to the point where I really felt compassion for my H's mistakes and issues that injured our M. I still felt SO resentful back then. I'm pretty sure it was you and CL that talked to me about the importance of being able to forgive, before you begin piecing.

I'm so glad you both told me about that - I think it set me on a good path. So I let it ride for a while, and while my H and I were on holidays, we talked and argued... alot. But it was good. We were able to begin voicing concerns about things we'd never really discussed in years. So, by the end of the holiday (end of June) I'd heard enough of his side of things that I was really able to feel compassion, forgiveness and understanding for him, his hurt and frustration. So I'd say, end of June is when I really started piecing.

(Sorry, long answer to a short question!)

[12bar]

FMV

You should read Learned Optimism, that book helped me tremendously. I guess I always knew I was a pessimist but the thing I did not realize is that there are different types of pessimism. The book has tests that score you on having a negative outlook and I scored moderately bad on that. The stuff I learned in this area is to strike negative words (Permanent and Pervasive) like "always" and "never" from your mental vocabulary. This was very eye-opening to me. The thing I scored much worse on was giving myself credit for my successes. In fact, I had my mid-year performance review today at work and my boss said, "12, you really need to pause every now and then and celebrate your success".......Go Figure!

Anyway, as far as your friend is concerned, you may be idealizing her a bit. The reason I say this is my W is like your friend and I have fallen in the trap of idealizing her and this has the same effect on me as it does on you. One thing I have learned is people with seemingly perfect lives can be really unhappy....Food for thought.

Hey Time, your post on math brought back memories for me. I started college in remedial math and ended up going all the way through differential equations as part of my science degree. I was like WTH, I can do math? Where the heck did that come from? LOL!

[TimeHeals]

Hey Time, your post on math brought back memories for me. I started college in remedial math and ended up going all the way through differential equations as part of my science degree. I was like WTH, I can do math? Where the heck did that come from? LOL!

It's a struggle I will always remember because... I almost dropped out of college at more than one point. It didn't help that I was working 20-40 hrs a week and going to school more-than-full-time. At one point (kind of ashamed to admit this), I actually called my mom and was doing all I could while talking to her to keep from breaking down in tears, and I told her, "I don't think I can do this", and she replied, "well, if you fail, you can just take it again, right?".

Well, I couldn't just take it again so easily because I was dependent on grants and scholarships on top of my terrible income as a night janitor just to make ends meet, but the gist of the message still held: do your best, and if that doesn't work, try again somehow. Other people do it, so you can too.

Funny thing, my Senior project in my Major (CompSci) was an application for solving linear algebra matrices. That's how far I wound up going with it once I got over the "impossible" hump. All the calcs, physics, linear algebra, discrete mathematics, probability theory, and so on until I wrote programs to do this stuff.

Anybody want to start a thread on Thue–Morse sequence applications for topological spaces? That would bring back distant (nearly 20 year old ) memories.

[FindingMyVoice]

Anyway, as far as your friend is concerned, you may be idealizing her a bit. The reason I say this is my W is like your friend and I have fallen in the trap of idealizing her and this has the same effect on me as it does on you. One thing I have learned is people with seemingly perfect lives can be really unhappy....Food for thought.

Yes, that sounds right 12. And I'm surprised, I didn't realize you'd been experiencing that with your W. I'm sorry to hear that, but glad to hear you realized what was going on.

You know, I think I look(ed) at my H that way a lot too; really not surprising I guess when I consider how low my self esteem had been. I deferred to his judgement for so long and dismissed my own. Good grief here I was knocking him for doing it to me; well I was right there with him, doing it to myself too. Huh. Just thinking out loud here - no need to answer - I wonder if he felt that, I mean, me leaning on him for so long? I wonder how that felt to him and how (if?) it played out in our negative patterns?

Anyways, I'd been thinking about getting that book this week, so your suggestion to read it was timely. I did go out and pick it up today; have been reading it this aft. Thanks for letting me know it helped you.

PS - congrats on the successful mid-year review! That's really exciting! I remember a few months back you'd been having such a tough time focusing on work, while everything was so chaotic at home. What a challenge, and to work through it so successfully. I'm very pleased for you!

PPS - Isn't that something your boss picked up on that! So? What are you doing to do to celebrate your success!?

[FindingMyVoice]

Wow, Time, what a story! Working that much while in school; maintaining your grants and scholarships throughout - what significant accomplishments! Good for you! (I envy you, having a mom like that,...she sounds like a wise person and a tremendous support)

linear algebra matrices...linear algebra...discrete mathematics...probability theory...Thue–Morse sequence applications for topological spaces...

My brain is imploding.

PS You guys are the best. Thanks again for all your help. PG.