Oh - and incidentally, I'm expecting a similar call sometime in the next year, as the ex is dating a 31 year old chick. He's "only" 50 though, so he'd be just a youthful 72 when his kid graduated college, lol. So much for early retirement, lol.
Well.. everything the former spouse has done was somewhat expected. That they'd get engaged, married and probably have a child(ren) because of her ticking clock. The former spouse is 56, she's 39.
Shortly after the divorce my son felt I should know his dad was engaged. When challenged his father had demurred. Hearing that stung. I felt I had a right to know to help the kids transition. But no.
My sis-in-law was the one to inform me a month or so later that the former spouse was getting married that day. It was something the kids knew but didn't share. Afterwards my daughter said that was all he talked about when they'd have their occasional dinner. Ah well.. that's when it started to be none of my business... though I was concerned that the kids never shared anything. Then again, it puts them in a very awkward position, in the middle. Though one son started when he became very frustrated with his dad's piggishness. When it has to do with how things effect THEM they're more likely to share.
I don't know nor can I presume anything more than the present. But I can be the mom, commiserate with my daughter over how nauseous his wife is when pregnant. She and the boys have enough to handle without emotionally supporting me. I don't know the wife (aside from the black sticky tar goo sensation based on her actions when she's identified herself on the phone.) and will probably never have anything to do with her or the former spouse. And that's just dandy with me.
Any baby is a miracle and source of joy. I can only wish the greatest happiness and fullest life for the coming bundle. And I'm very very happy that my daughter wants to see her father more because kids need both parents.
On the financial side the former spouse's dad was quite robust, dropping dead at 90 from an aneurysm. And a child means he won't retire and the alimony won't decrease until he does.
Thanks for the compliment about being graceful. It's probably more in line with being detached and no longer being or desiring to be connected to him. At the same time knowing that bits and pieces may remain in my heart but no longer emotionally impinge on my psyche.
I just have to remember it's all business when I deal with him and not react to his bullying and anger.
Sorry I missed your post! I have to admit that the image of you playing the drums was another inspiration to just try. I'd kinda enjoyed just going for auditions so getting something was a bit of a shock.. but a happy one once I got over the .. well.. shock!
Specialest of K's..
It's purely amateur, no pay involved.. just the experience. However they will take a head shot which will join all the other performers from the last five years. I'll have to make sure it's a good hair and make up day.
You amaze me!! You are so strong and are able to set his "mistakes" aside for your kids sakes. I am sure it isn't easy. I am just braving up to ex getting remarried in a couple of months. I'll get through it. I will use you as my example.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Perhaps that is the silver lining from being molested as a child. I already knows what it feels like to live a life of underlying anger and bitterness. And I didn't want a divorce, especially with the dramatic exit and ickiness to define my life on a go forward basis.
After a conversation with my dad who was visiting from Florida something clicked within me. All I simply said more or less what I wrote above. She-bam... about 20 minutes later something poofed within.. and I had a dad I wanted to know and the gift of forgiveness. And he died 7 months later. And it was very neat to have a father, and that I could mourn his death.
Hey Gyps...still reading along. Congrats on your part in the play! Always appreciate the prose as you well know. i wish you had a little more present and future in there and make the past fade a little...I know, not an easy task. Most of us here struggle mightily with that.
True true true. The need to explain rather than accepting a compliment. Must continue to work on that!
Today was a first. I called Bill about the current fiasco, reiterating what I wrote in a letter about the issue at hand... taking accountability and wanting to move forward to resolve it. No cowering, just matter of fact. I added that we have separate lives, that I had no connection to him aside from him being the father of our children who are old enough to handle having separate relationships with each.
And that his current actions are thwarting his goals and mine.
We'll see what happens.
At some point I can just let go. Let go of lots of stuff though man oh man does fear freeze the bejesus out of me. Like dumping the house at a ridiculous price so as not to be burdened by the mortgage; getting a job to help with the expenses.
It's odd. I've been a stay at home mom for two and a half decades, my former career a distant memory. Now I'm.. hello.. go back to work, get back on my feet, develop my own life that not a complete reflection on my childrens.
Move move.. shake rattle and roll.
*hugs*
And to realize I have more to gain than to lose by letting go of what is too much... in so many ways.
Hey Gyps, don't be so hard on yourself. Change after 25 years of anything is difficult to adjust to. You just need to be more clinical and less emotional. Easier said than done ... I know. One thing is certain, we humans have an amazing capacity to adapt. Stay in the moment Gyps....enjoy the ride.
Funny thing happened. I met a woman who was from Sweden. I wondered if I knew anything Swedish and out pops "Jag älskar dig." I was pretty sure it meant something stupid. But no it was.. "I love you." Not the most appropriate thing to say to someone in line but interesting nonetheless.
In the course of two days all the computers in my house died, seized and/or went to the great beyond. In the process I learned how to extract a hard drive, hook it up to another. When that failed, finding a docking station to transfer the precious data (pictures and writings) and breaking down to buy a computer tout de suite.
I recently read about a phenomenon between two types of people. The paraphrased categories are the "satisfiers" and the "optimizers". The former will have a goal, figure it works, meets their parameters and purchase or move forward on it and feel good about it. The latter will do extensive price comparisons, projections, reevaluations and eventually make the purchase yet second guess their decisions. Surprise.. after reading I realized I'd been an optimizer, neurotically so.
So last night I went to a computer store knowing what to look for in a system and made a purchase. I kept reminding myself of my position.. to just do it, but not be stupid cheap. So I walked out with a new computer, an additional device to transfer what was in the orphaned hard drive and tried not to go online and see if I could find the same package for less, fearing I'd bought a piece of shitake.
And it occurred to me.. that being an "Optimizer" is another form of perfectionism. That if I can't get the best product for absolutely the most incredible price, I'm a failure. And I think that's what a lot of perfectionism is.. a trap door to failure, a noose of fear.
People will comment and volunteer about what a great mother I am. I accept the compliment yet feel my failings supercede any of the positives. Whoops.. perfectionism at work again.
So I'm working on 'good enough', doing my best but not to the point of inaction. The ole Keep It Simple, Stupid comes to mind.
I stayed over night at my sister-in-law's house (the former spouse's sister) and visited with my 28 year niece. It was great fun and a very special time. Then I saw my mother-in-law with sis-in-law, had another great visit. They're planning to come see the show.. whoo hoo! It was all good.. and very positive. One thing that stood out is the sense of loss, rejection and betrayal they feel in their brother/uncle's action. I listened and let it go.
