I really had a hard time last night. I received my court date in the mail and D-Day is 9/30/10.
ALL my hard work was nullified by hitting the liquor store. It wasn't addiction that made me do it either, no withdrawals, or A NEED to. I did it out of spite. Let me be the first to say that I have a problem...not sure what or why I was thinking alcohol would make anything better, but oh well what is done is done.
Of course I had to decide in my altered state to text the STBXW and make a complete ass of myself. Today, I apologized and admitted to her I was drunk...no real reason not to. She will continue to view me as "unatttractive/doormattish", until I really get to the point where I exercise self-control. CONSISTENTLY
The point of me writing this is to 1) confess 2) it's OK to admit your human and 3) How important it is to really get your $hit straight before ever thinking you have a chance to get your WAW/WAH back.
I posted a thank you to Robx yesterday because he flat deserves it. Although I felt strongly about my direction, just goes to show that you can slip or fail at anytime, but it's how you keep going after standing right back up and dusting yourself off.
How do i feel today? Pretty crappy! I'm hung over (don't miss that), I feel sad that I ruined my hard work, I feel sad that I contacted STBXW, and I feel I wish I could have my night back. I'm so guilty I haven't prayed for anything and really just feel humbled. But guess what...I'm going to stand up...change into what I want to, and I'm not going back to that selfish, self destructive pattern.
Tbh, I just LOL'd at my stupidity, because I see now how hopeless that what I've been doing truly is. I had to ask myself, "would I stay married to you?" My answer is no. Going to go read Robx's post and get the hell out of the house tonight hung over and all.
