And the struggle between letting go and giving her the attention I've denied her will be easier than I think. I have to let her go, fly the coop. But when I'm with her, I'm going to be sexy, charming, funny, and most of all, myself. If that's not good enough, then it's really not worth saving, is it?
I can tell this is eating you up. I believe being apart is better. It will give you the space to grow, and will give her the space to miss you. I myself feel being under the same roof there is still tension. Since she is working more and I am staying busy we do not see each other as much. It takes the "itch" off the sitch!
Tonight I will be fun happy and dressed to impress. We are going to church with friends and they are riding horses tomorrow. W gets off work at 4, I will be gone looking at a house(she does not know this) if she asks I will tell her "i went to look at a house". Not going to rub anything in. Pin I think you and I are somewhat in similar situations, that is why I tell you what I do, and I believe you do the same on my thread.
Yeah, I can't take this sitch right now. It's just too painful. I'm so disappointed in myself, when I kept thinking I was strong, detached, clearheaded. I've been so dishonest with myself. Everything I've been doing has been with the one goal of keeping her. And all I've done is delay her inevitable departure.
how long ago were you guys telling me to get my balls back? now you do the same. I am also having a tough time, but I forge ahead, do nice things for her, and also GAL, and happy. I think its creating more confusion in her head, but that is the point. Here is a guy who appears to be moving on, but also being nice to me, she is probably thinking WTF? anyway you slid a bit, pick yourself up go hit the friggin gym early, make plans for tonight go do something and enjoy it....
I realize I upset you the other day but I have to say to you,
Originally Posted By: pinhead
I've been reading Robx's original thread for inspiration
you have bigger cahounas then prince charming himself.
she shut you down. you ask her to leave. sounds to me like you, like it or not, are beginning to Know Yourself. this is an important step in the right direction. pinhead.
you're handle should be PIN TRIPLE X HARDCORE.
Originally Posted By: LeeSC
Originally Posted By: pinhead
But it's also painful to me because I haven't detached enough. Perhaps I won't be able to until she moves out.
Its get worse when they move out. It sucks.
I would like to say I respectfully disagree, but the word respect is thrown around here so much, my using it would be trite.
I righteously disagree with you that "it gets worse." Don't be so depressive.
And, as a matter of fact, was the best thing at the time and the only thing that probably would have saved my marriage. Not only did it it give us time to learn and experience apart, but it gave us time to learn and experience ourselves and learn and experience each other again. I am going to leave it at that.
If the goal is "keeping her" then be her "friend" and help her to move and let her realize that her goal also needs to be "keeping you."
I'll make one more comment, on something you wrote,
Quote:
But when I'm with her, I'm going to be sexy, charming, funny,
it works a whole of a hell of a lot better for you, if you when you see her you ARE
emphasis on "ARE" not "pretending to be"
it works a whole of a hell of a lot better for you, if you when you see her you ARE busy, and suppose to be some place and meet someone and do something exciting. "The chase is better than the catch." You need to have her thinking he is "sexy, charming, funny" and wondering and wishing he was being " sexy, charming, funny" with me. Otherwise, they don't have a reason to call you unless it is for money or to watch the kids.
I think you and I are just having one of those bad sad days.
Think about it- all the hard work we have done with DB/180 truly has been for US. WE are the beneficiaries. I just realized this after I pulled my head out of you know where.
If you check out the other sitchs, most get divorced no matter what they do to "save" the M. I think once we accept the DB/180 is really for ourselves, we become strong and not just "fake" strong, but truly strong.
from here on out, no more arguing, being whiny or depressing. It radiates negative energy.
People always ask what book should I read. I'm not joking here, but Cesar Millan has a number of books about training dogs. He emphasis being "leader of the pack" and that the energy you're projecting internally is the message you're sending.
People are attracted to positive energy. If you are negative and argumentative, depressive and whiny people, your wife, will avoid you.
I like your suggestion for reading material. You are right.I used to watch Cesar's show. Very informative. People with kids would learn alot from Cesar also.
In a M there can only be one Alpha Dog. If there are two Alpha Dogs, then M is doomed to constant arguing over control. I know as this fits my sitch.
Re-Alpha dog. Definitely agree. I'm definitely the alpha dog in our house, and that's always been a conflict with my W who thinks she's a tough broad.
I brought home some floorplans for 1BD apts from a nearby complex, and gave them to my W. She looked at them, and then got upset when she realized how small and expensive they were. I guess she thought that she was going to be able to move into a Spa Resort. Later on she said "Neither place has a playground and the apt won't have much room for the girls to play in." I said "I don't know what you want me to say." with a shrug, and she blew up. "I'm just thinking of the girls!" Sure, that's why you're running away from your M, and taking them away from their father for 50% of their nights.
Maybe I'm detaching, or just enjoying that the shoe is on the other foot right now, but I don't have a huge amount of sympathy. I understand her pain, and wish she wasn't in such distress, but short of moving out myself (NOT HAPPENING) she needs to get used to a lower standard of living. This is a choice she's making, and she needs to learn that choices have consequences. I always used to joke with her that Men Have Responsibilities, and Women Have Options. (Nobody throw tomatoes please).
She was upset through most of dinner, with the reality of it sinking in. Now I know why she was avoiding a decision, though her mind really had been made up 47 days ago. It's scary. Almost as scary as realizing your wife doesn't love you anymore, and is breaking her vows.
Anyways, enough of that. I'm setting some boundaries too. During our discussion, she mention that her best friend had been separated, then reconciled. She mentioned another couple that did the same. At the time I didn't say anything, but tonight I told her that I didn't like her saying things like that. That it was a misguided attempt to be nice to me, to "let me down easy." She apologized and agreed.
I've also decided (though haven't told her yet) that I don't want her discussing her male coworkers antics/hobbies etc. around me. I think it's inappropriate, and borderline EA. So the next time that comes up, I'll say the same thing I did with the "let me down easy." stuff. I'm sure that'll provoke an argument about how her friends are so important to her, but that's my boundary, and I'm sticking to it!
Also, we're not doing anything legal. This is going to be simply a physical separation. She knows that I can nuke her finances and likewise, so I think that we'll be ok. We'll also be doing joint budget reconciliation, so we can keep an eye on each other. As Ronnie said to Gorby, Trust but Verify.
She's out now, getting some space and looking at the apts in the area.
My biggest fear is that she'll drag this out, waiting for her favorite townhome to become available. I won't let that happen. Ideally, I'd like her to be out sometime in late Aug, early Sept. I don't want it near Oct, as my youngest's birthday is Oct1, and I don't want her associating her birthday with this wonderful event. Any later than that and we'll be bumping into holidays, plus I'll go postal. And that would be a pinheaded thing to do...
