>SUNDAY MORNING SEX > >Sunday Morning Sex - I will never hear church bells ringing >again without smiling... > Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, >Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old >grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had >died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were > making love on Sunday morning." > >Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years >old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.. >"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. > > "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best >time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was >just >the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply > in on the Ding and out on the Dong." > >She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive >if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
> Favorite Animal > > > > Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried > chicken." > > > She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in > the class laughed. > > My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken > is my favorite animal. > > I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of > PETA. > > He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and > beef. > > Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what > happened, and he laughed too. > Then he told me not to do it again. > > The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. > I told her it was chicken. > > > She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it > was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the > principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. > > I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher > doesn't like it when I am. > > Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. > > I told her, "Colonel Sanders". > > Guess where I am now... >
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAS TO SAY ABOUT LIVING IN WASHINGTON STATE :
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Washington. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Washington.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Washington.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Washington.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Washington.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Washington.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both doors unlocked, you live in Washington.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Central, Southern or Eastern Washington.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over 8 layers of clothes, you live in Washington.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80, and everyone is still passing you, you live in Washington.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and ice, you live in Washington.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Washington.
If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your WASHINGTON friends, you live or have lived in Washington.
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
This is hysterical, true or not, I can imagine it happening!!!! May the saints preserve us from the idiots in control.
Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:
You have to love this lawyer........
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the
Loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back
to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note
that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the
able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we
must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property
back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear
the title back to its origin."
Annoyed,
the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that
You wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the
present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin
identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to
U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of
Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of
Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish
monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles
as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her
jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is
the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was immediately approved.
(These are the same geniuses charged with the
Government mortgage bailout.)
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"
After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the *@#% was that?"
The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
