Hey ABQ, I've just posted my sitch as well and have experienced similar MLC issues and have recently encountered the poking. It's all good. The tri stuff is hugely rewarding, but I'll caution you against totally giving yourself over. I started with a sprint in 2002 and did my Ironman 2007. Unfortunately, it may have contributed to the feelings of isolation my W had. She's not a jock. The positive splits are no replacement for checking in on what's really happening in your head and in your relationship. However, there's nothing like a long brick to clear the melon. Keep at it.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
I'm relatively new so I don't think we've "met". I understand your situation. I've felt like that many times but have moved onto being prepared to be in it for the long haul. I don't condone his behavior but I know I can't control it. My purpose is not to "confront" in order to set some changes into action. I don't mean to give any ultimatums. I just kind of want to clear the air so I don't feel I'm being sucked into this game of lies. I will continue to treat my H as I do now and I don't plan on changing. It may very well change the way he acts, but I can't do anything about that.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
A, the thing is that it doesn't matter what you do or do not intend or understand or expect. Telling your H what you know, no matter how gentle, IS confronting him, and you should be prepared for a defensive reaction. You asked for opinions about letting your H know what you know. I merely shared my experience. You know your H best, and the decision is yours.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
The NC thing was definitely the best route for me. I just this past week let him suck me into some of his drama and it brought back a lot of hurt and resentments for me.
I don't know what the benefit of that would be other than making me feel better.
My question to you is this... why would it make you feel better? You are not the one living a lie. You know what's going on and these are his lies, not yours.
From personal experience, I tried on several occasions to get stbxH to open up about OW. He lied everytime. It was a non-confrontational, friendly approach - we were separated already but sharing the house - and I just wanted to put it all on the table and still ... no dice. It gave me even more lies to be angry and resentful about - until I realized that was still getting me nowhere.
If I were you, and I'm obviously not, I would live my life as though there IS an OW and do what you should be doing at this point ... focussing on YOU. I'd be thinking about what you can do to protect yourself financially. Take care of you and D.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Abuquerque For almost a year I had suspicions that my H was having an A. He would lie obsessively about it whenever I confronted him or questioned him. Looking back- I wish I didn't do that...I didn't have any proof...just a gut feeling. It made me feel worse being lied to.
However, once I found H 'extra' cell phone...he couldn't lie about it any longer. In my case, I wish I sat back and did exactly what PEI is suggesting up until this revelation. For me- confronting him before the 'proof' didn't result in anything good. Unless you have proof- be prepared for 1 million excuses and 2 million lies.
Abuquerque For almost a year I had suspicions that my H was having an A. He would lie obsessively about it whenever I confronted him or questioned him. Looking back- I wish I didn't do that...I didn't have any proof...just a gut feeling. It made me feel worse being lied to.
However, once I found H 'extra' cell phone...he couldn't lie about it any longer. In my case, I wish I sat back and did exactly what PEI is suggesting up until this revelation. For me- confronting him before the 'proof' didn't result in anything good. Unless you have proof- be prepared for 1 million excuses and 2 million lies.
FWIW, even with proof you will likely get lies and excuses. I would spend some time reading through the resources, taking care of you and D, planning YOUR future ... which includes the how/when/if to expose/confront your H about OW. You will get many opinions here ... it's up to you do examine your motivations and expectations surrounding anything you think you want to do and make your choices from a healthy place.
Good luck! PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I do believe that snooping will only get you hurt. You knew 'in your gut', most of us do. The devil is always in the details, so don't put yourself through any extra torture searching them out.
Only you can decide what to do. Even when you confront you may not get an honest answer. Ask yourself does it matter? Take care of you and keep pushing forward!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
