As I say your response on my thread, I know you know what kind of day/night I was having Thursday. I believe everyone here has them, just in their own different ways.
I am proud of your S & D for their talk with WH. It's just always such a shame that, especially with older kids, they can't help but be drawn into the drama.
I can't say I'm proud of the other night, but I did release some pent up anger/anguish and now, like the hangover, I have to wait to heal and let it go.
I believe you are doing a great job and have come such a long way in a short time. Keep your head up and your feet planted on the ground, and with support like you have from your children and friends, you'll make it through fine. I say a prayer of thanks for mine everyday. (((HUGS)))
Thanks for the words of encouragement! They really help me to stay focused on this narrow path of my own recovery from this nightmare. In my mind, I knew that NC was good for me - but for some reason I fought it. I think there are times when all I hear are his words replaying over and over in my mind and I catch myself believing them all over again. Then I take a deep breath and review the "reality" of this situation - the rewritten history he has developed, the craziness of his choices, the complete detachment from who and what he was. I am fortunate - I have a good job so I don't need his financial support (although it has been an adjustment). I am the primary parent in S's life right now and we are doing ok. But I have to admit that I am exhausted.
Punkin - you needed the other night / you WILL heal. I have been using wine a few times to sleep and I am giving it up for a while. I want S to see me straight and sober / I want to model a better way of handling problems. Plus - I don't want the calories:)
It's beautiful here in southern indiana - low humidity, blue skies - I'm going poolside! Hope you all have a great day and as always thanks for taking the time to care!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You are very welcome. Those re written history stories. They are the worst, aren't they? To hear him tell it, I've led him around by a ring in his nose on my terms for the last 20 years. In actuality, I've taken care of most all of the responsibilies while he's been deployed to this place or that, chasing his career.
I can support myself, but, and I apologize if this sounds greedy or nasty, I've worked just as hard as he has over the last 20 years and I'll be damned if he'll take it all away from me. So that is what our entire life is down to. Money. Makes me sad.
I know what you mean - and it doesn't sound greedy or nasty. Our financial decisions have always been based on two incomes - our retirement, everything. Now that is all turned around.
D told me more about her and S's conversation with H. She said that they kept pushing H on how what he's doing and saying doesn't make sense - and he said "what - do you want me to say it - I don't want to be with your mom" OUCH!!! All the tapes start playing again in my head - "why aren't I good enough / why doesn't he want me /" D said it made her sick how he would be so fake so nice to everyone else around where they were - all the while killing the one's closest to him. He has heaped ALL of his unhappiness on ME. It doesn't make me want to give up standing - it just challenges me. Have there been reconciliations on this board where a spouse has felt this way and somehow found his way home? Is this the MLCr's way ~ all blame for unhappiness lumped on the LBS? Just checking to make sure this is standard MO for MLC.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Yes, it is standard MO for MLC. Again, You and I know damn well all those years were not how they say it was. Re-written history. They convince themselves that we are the problem for unhappiness. If you get hung up on those why doesn't he want me tapes then you are going to find yourself in a place you don't want to be. Realize again that you were not the reason for his unhappiness. This is their personal journey that was going to happen. The trigger could have been anything and you may never know what it was. Could not of stopped whatever it was anyway and just means a different trigger would have activated the Alien tractor beam from the mothership. This program that is now running is a self guided tour into their own personal hell. You get this time for your own self reflection and not everybody gets this opportunity. Nobody can say it will turn out the way you want so you have to be prepared for the worst. Now, your worst could also turn out to be your best. I have a friend from work that went through this with her H and he was diagnosed low on Testosterone. He got a little better after treatment but she had enough of the crazyness and just let him go. She now married up and seems extremely happy. I have met the new guy and I could see why she is happy now. She says it is the best thing that could of ever happened and was a gift. She said her XH was just getting more and more unhappy and put all of the blame on her. She knows it was MLC and did not want to stand like us. No kids made it easier for her and I could see how it would be a lot easier to give up on a MLC'r. Listen to what the others say about if your H says something that stings. That is my problem right now. I am so numb that the spew that is supposed to sting I am having a tough time sorting out. I have always done well financially and had a steady good paying job throughout but she admitted that it would have been nicer if I could have just been a brain surgeon. Then she would not have to worry about money so much. (Truth is, we have never had to worry about money at all) If your H is not doing the selfish dance, he isn't playing the game right and it may not be MLC. Just like he isn't playing the game right if he was not fake nice to everyone else. I have seen my wife do this and it is just plain nauseating. It also screams loud and clear MLC. So, keep posting here, keep venting here, it helps us here to read and concur that this stuff not only happening to ourselves.
