My apologizes for not responding sooner - been tied up with trying to figure out how the hell I am suppose to support myself. Anywhoo...
I noticed that you sent her an email and my first responses is that it seem like a pressure. Just my opinion... here are my thoughts..
Quote:
I've been fighting for our marriage and will continue to stand firm in the vow that I took before God
Sorry to say but don't ya think she knows this already. Remind her IMO is a little condescending. I mean it like telling her she has not realized your position, which I think you have made clear over and over again. Have you consider her position. The words that you are using come across as pressure and a little guilt if you will. At least that is my take.
Quote:
the woman who complimented me always in my weaknesses.
Quote:
I've always stood in awe of the way you brighten lives with your presence.
Why would you remind her of YOUR weakness? Why are you putting her on a pedal-stool? IMO..your almost saying "honey i can deal with everything you do and everything you have done because you are wonderful...just wonderful. As a matter of fact honey...you even dealt with all of my weakness".
Seriously CH - you and your W brought you to the place that you find yourself. Accept your role in this and fix that. Your wife has a role as well - you do not need to exonerate her for her role.
CH I am sorry to say...I'm worried about you dude. I am. I understand that you want to be right with God. So do I man..I do..I am just worried that you may be throwing yourself on her sword. Your email comes across like a little bit of a guilt trip to your W. I do not know what her R is with God - but if she does not have one..then all your words to her will be seen as controlling. Personally, I would cut off communication with her completely. If you are going to leave it in God's hands then you do not need to say anything.
Just my 2 cents.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
JMHO, maybe she wants to see a little fight out of you. Maybe she wants you to fight for her, and the marriage, and not because the Bible tells you so, but because it is what you WANT. You WANT her. God will always comes first, but just maybe he could quietly come first, and #2 could get some sunshine.
Hope I haven't offended you, I just know what I'd like to see out of my own husband.
okay, so the papers have been signed and handed to her. Default Decree ... not Concent. I did not want my name on any papers that said I concent to D. The best option besides trial was to agree to terms and let her file it as Default. It's all on her to move forward from here.
The hurt is so intense that I can't even look at her. I handed the envelope to her through the car window and pick-ups and drop offs of the kids are quick and without hellos. I know it's not the right way to act. I'm not mad at her ... I don't hate her ... I just love her and can't bear the sight of what I'm losing. I've tried all of the DB "act as ifs" ... "getting on with life appearance" ... etc. It's just not in me right now. I don't know what to do ... but at least I gave her what she wanted ... stopped fighting her ... and let he get on with whatever she feels she needs to get on with.
Sorry it has come to this. Detach, go NC/dark/dim. You must let her take her own journey and keep the door open. I am on another board and a poster named covenant keeper, who used to post here just got word from his wife that she is stopping the divorce and is starting to reconnect. It can happen. Let her go and keep living your life.
It would have to be more going dim than dark since we have two very young children to raise. I don't think I've physically spoken to her in weeks ... just texting. Is dark the best thing? I've heard success stories where LBS worked on the friendship, becoming S's best friend. I love her enough to want to be her best friend, but it's way too painful to be near her.
Detachment is important. The friendship can come later. Let her come to you. She is in control right now. Until she starts to come to you pursuing will only hurt you.
MLC is in stages. The first three stages are running away. The last three stages are rebuilding. Friendship will not work that well in the first three stages. They want to be left alone. You need to respect their wishes.
About a month ago she told me that her mother has stopped talking to her. It broke my heart ... now she and her mother are on the outs because of all of this. She said at that time, "you really get to know who your true friends are in all of this." I told her I was on her side at that time, wanting to remain her friend ... be there for her. Now going dark, from her perception, puts me on the side of her mother--abandoning her. The way her father did when she was my daughter's age.
CH - Very sorry about how hard a time you are having. One thing I have learned through this journey, and trying to detach and go dark is that the MLC'r wants what they want when they want it. Like a toddler who wants a toy, they don't care how or who they hurt to get it.
The hardest part of all is that you have to let her go through it alone. You can't make her decisions and live with them. She has to do that. As I've been told on this site lots of times, you didn't break her, you can't fix her.
