Soaring Solo 2010

[Gardener]

Long Journaling,

Rough week.

One week ago today, Real Estate agent calls to say there's a showing in 1 hour. For the first time, a couple is coming back for a second look. I'm at a customer's house and although my house is "show-ready," I did notice that morning that it needed to be mowed.
Home I go to mow.

Half an hour or so later, I turn off the mower and my phone's beeping (I could neither hear nor feel the phone vibrate while mowing). I look down. My brother had called me eight times in the last 10 minutes.
Uh oh.

I call back. SIL answers. She had been calling from his phone. She's in an ambulance with him. Heart attack. Could be bad. Ambulance just turned around from going to X hospital to go to Y hospital 20 minutes further away because they have the region's best cardiac facility.

Siren in the background. Paramedics barking at each other.
"I'm on my way," I tell SIL.

Longest 30 minute drive of my life.
To keep calm I talk to him, sending him positive energy and healing thoughts. But in between, I admit to repeatedly, selfishly, saying to him, "Don't you go!" "Don't you go!!"

Selfish because after this year and a half of so much loss, without a thought for his wife and sons - I couldn't bear the thought of my losing him, too. Ever.

For some reason, I think back to this past Thanksgiving. In my toast, after lamenting that our table that had been crammed with 16 people for the last 18 years, was quite roomy with only my S 31, my brother, SIL and two nephews and me, I decided in my toast to say to my brother in front of his - our - family what I had told him often in the past: that we all wear many hats, fulfill many roles: husband, father, brother, uncle, etc., but I wanted to acknowledge - especially after his support these past many months that, "All my life, Tommy always- always- has been a very good brother to me."

At that moment driving to the hospital I was glad I had said that publicly, much like at my party two weeks earlier I had said that he has never - ever - let me down.

It looks like he'll be okay. Thank God he had all the symptoms and a lot of pain or else he probably would've thought nothing of it or would've "toughed it out," gone to lie down and, being home alone at the time, would've died.

He called 911.

In the hospital with the whole family waiting, but it looks okay. He tells me much later that his "procedure" was even done with a local anesthetic and he stared at the ceiling occasionally chatting with the doctors.

Then he saw no ceiling. He saw brilliant, white, cool light and thought, "God, I must be wiped out." Then he saw the ceiling again. And had no more energy to talk.

Later in CCU, his doctor said, "we lost you there for a minute, had to zap you to bring you back."

He was amazed that though it was only 45 seconds or so he had the same common, universal experience that so many people who were gone and "pulled back" have had as detailed in books like Life After Life, etc.
He (atheist) was profoundly affected. And will be for a while to come, I'm sure.

I spent a lot of time with him this week, telling him many things, not the least of which is he had the classic "Wake-Up Call." He's never exercised, never eaten well, has one big-ass belly and in fact, has often ribbed me about being a "health nut."

Well, I am going to to be riding his @ss and getting him on the right path (along with his sons and wife) starting now.

He told me this afternoon that X called him Tuesday. Seems she heard about it because she is still on SIL's email distribution list. At court a few weeks back, X had told me her mother had been hospitalized with a serious health setback and was now home though not well. "I wish you had called me; I would've called or sent flowers or something." Her reply? "Yeah, well." What goes around comes around.

My brother didn't even know who she was on the phone (it's been almost two years since he's heard/seen her). He gave her some perfunctory facts, said he had to lie down and thanked her for calling. 45 seconds, tops. Consequences.

I'll share something very personal here. My daily spiritual practice includes, upon awakening each day, saying, "It is August 7th, 2010. There was never any assurance, let alone guarantee, that I would live to see this date. Here it is. Here I am. And I am very grateful."

This week that took on added meaning. And has begun including thoughts of loved ones in addition to myself.

Thanks for reading.

Peace,