And how many warnings he got along the way he chose to ignore...
i tried. i often saw the big picture and i helped him see the big picture. when he dropped the d-bomb, the decision was completely his. i tried to warn him about the financial, mental, and emotional toll. he didn't listen. i guess he was one of those WAS who thought that signing on the dotted line would free him from this hurt. he also thought he could get away with the bulk of our assets. usually a WAS just wants out. my WAS wanted out and he wanted the kitchen sink too!
when you asked me about how they handle conflict or set backs. here's another example. his mother has an anxiety disorder. they have chose to tolerate/work around it rather than confront the issue and get her help. confronting her would hurt her feelings and she would cry. they would rather keep the peace and instead of doing what's right. and i think that is what happened between my h and i. it got to the point where her idiosyncrasies were overstepping her boundaries in our lives. i wanted to put a stop to it. it would make her cry and then i would be the bad guy because i wasn't working around it to keep the peace.
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He can avoid a wasted life like that and enjoy something substantial if he just finds the courage to man-up and own who he is and what he does both good and bad... and negotiate rather than buckle or run...
it's funny. in my ic sessions, all i wanted was for my h to man up. he hurt me really bad but telling me that he did not have confidence that i could handle motherhood. when i told him how much it hurt me, he didn't understand why. he said he stood by his comment and that it had to be said. i couldn't believe my ears. later, i figured out that it was projection and that he wasn't sure if he was ready but didn't want to admit it. and so all i kept thinking was if that's how he felt, he should have just man-up and admit it. take some responsibility instead of deflecting it on to me.
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There IS a middle-ground in life between escape and surrender and that is where happiness truly lives...
i wish there was a way he'd know. i don't think he ever will until his parents pass and he hits rock bottom. i know his issues are his. doesn't matter what i say. i will fall on deaf ears. he has to find out himself. so in the mean time, i work on me.
don't get me wrong. i am not perfect. i had my issues too. i'm working on them. i mind read too much, i am far too competitive (but i don't keep score), and i have intimacy issues.
