She played an f'ing game with me to get me to tell her I talked about our R with a friend. Well, after she stormed out, guess what happened? She got pulled over by a cop and got a ticket. I guess karma is pretty funny.
She came home, I let her be. Still, not a good night. Lots of cross looks, crap like that, bad mood. I asked her if she wanted to go to bed, she said no, then I asked if she would play cards. She said yes.
We playd for about 10 minutes and she said she was ready for bed. We went to bed. Said ILY, goodnight.
This weekend is going to SUCK.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Maybe, maybe not. I was driving out to my parents' house on my dad's birthday, and there's this one stretch of the highway where the speed limit goes from 65 to 55 to 45 all in the space of 200 ft and on the downward slope of a hill, and you aren't even close to any town where this happens. We call it "the speed trap".
Well, there I was rolling down the road so happy and stupid that I was singing the "Sesame Street" theme song, when it suddenly occured to me, "Oh gosh! Am I to the speed trap, yet?". Too late. Got nabbed. Karma?
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She played an f'ing game with me to get me to tell her I talked about our R with a friend.
She can't make you do anything you don't want to do. Let go of your fear and anxiety. You are so enmeshed that you are letting somebody control you, and that's not healthy for you or her, and I can guarantee that she doesn't want to feel like she can and has to control you.
Like Puppy said, all you need to say is, "I have decided not to lie to cover up your affair". End of story. You have decided.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
She played an f'ing game with me to get me to tell her I talked about our R with a friend.
Yep. Also totally AVOIDABLE.
John, maybe instead of this:
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Bought her a few things for the bathroom, toothpaste, brush, etc. to let her know I thought about her while I was shopping the other day.
which I'm STILL not sure how the hell that is "in the spirit of not purusuing," maybe you should have been PREPARING for how you were going to respond and interact with your wife.
Really, that "I decided that" line I threw out there I've thrown out at you before, and this is still really, REALLY basic stuff (like "no R talks") that you're not even executing (much less mastering).
You can do so much better than this, and you're going to HAVE to.
We didn't make it through the first hand before she pulled me into R talk.
You can't be "pulled" into an R talk, John. It takes two to have a conversation. A simple "I'm really not prepared to talk about this right now," or "I thought we were playing cards -- I don't want to talk about this right now" is all was needed here.
or, as I suggested above, "Look, to be frank, I decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair. Now, did you really want to play cards with me, or did you just want to badger me about the mess that you created?"
As long as you refuse to (or are afraid to?) implement even the most basic DB strategies that have been suggested to you, you're going to end up in a never-ending series of these cheeseless tunnels.
As long as you refuse to (or are afraid to?) implement even the most basic DB strategies that have been suggested to you, you're going to end up in a never-ending series of these cheeseless tunnels.
I think so too. He says he gave her stuff (yuck, considering...) without expectations, but now we read about his obvious disappointment, so that wasn't honest.
He's trying to convince her, he's trying to change her mind, he's caught up in a power struggle for control.
The only solution is to stop that completely. If she wants to go, let her go. If part of the problem has been that she doesn't feel validated, then any struggle against what she is feeling is going to push her away. The more he pulls, the more she has to struggle to be free. The solution is to let her be free, and then if she chooses to return to the M, fine. If not, that's fine too.
The only thing we can control is ourselves, on the other hand, so she can't make him do anything either. He also needs to set himself free.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/07/1001:38 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I have to agree with Puppy and TH. You are completely invalidating her feelings right now. You have yet to take back your power to control your own feelings. Trust me dude, she knows you are thinking about her, she knows you love her.
Originally Posted By: john28
She came home, I let her be. Still, not a good night. Lots of cross looks, crap like that, bad mood. I asked her if she wanted to go to bed, she said no, then I asked if she would play cards.
How the heck is that "letting her be"????? C'mon john, this isn't rocket science, hard work? Yes. But complicated or difficult to understand? No. You need to DETACH.
Originally Posted By: john28
We playd for about 10 minutes and she said she was ready for bed. We went to bed. Said ILY, goodnight.
That my friend you DO have some control over. Take your W out of the equation. If your life was hunky-dory and you were having a great, fun weekend (that didn't involve W) what would you be doing? Now go do it.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I have to agree with Puppy and TH. You are completely invalidating her feelings right now. You have yet to take back your power to control your own feelings. Trust me dude, she knows you are thinking about her, she knows you love her.
Originally Posted By: john28
She came home, I let her be. Still, not a good night. Lots of cross looks, crap like that, bad mood. I asked her if she wanted to go to bed, she said no, then I asked if she would play cards.
How the heck is that "letting her be"????? C'mon john, this isn't rocket science, hard work? Yes. But complicated or difficult to understand? No. You need to DETACH.
Originally Posted By: john28
We playd for about 10 minutes and she said she was ready for bed. We went to bed. Said ILY, goodnight.
That my friend you DO have some control over. Take your W out of the equation. If your life was hunky-dory and you were having a great, fun weekend (that didn't involve W) what would you be doing? Now go do it.
PEI quantified it and said it much better than I could.
