We LBSs need to let go of the notion that we will have out M back. Doing so we accept the situation and grow as individuals.
I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want my old M back! That realization did make me grow and remember who I really am, which is not the aloof, short-tempered woman my marital situation created.
My H has not owned his part in the fallout - has not called off his lawyer - but things are progressing in a positive direction. I am happy to have managed to consistently 180 from the damaging behaviors I have owned. We definitely have positive movement - now I need to set tougher goals.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
My H isn't having an affair, and I can't imagine how painful it is to deal with that extra piece. It was bad enough to receive a letter from his lawyer.
Looking back, I can find several times where both H and I treated strangers better than we treated each other. It shouldn't be that way.
I'm thinking of my M as a plant. And every day I ask myself "what do you do to water your plant today?" This plant needs daily water or it shrivels and eventually dies. It took almost losing the M for me to get that - and I'm not out of the woods yet.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
The bottom line is actions, not feelings on the issue. That's the true test of maturity - which is what WAS's lack. What you do is more important than how you feel right now.
I see the same things. I even noticed it after the ILYBINILWY letter. I thought "If we can be so much more open and considerate now, we're halway ther to FIXING this mess" That was before I dicovered the A.
Originally Posted By: LRT
...every day I ask myself "what do you do to water your plant today?" This plant needs daily water or it shrivels and eventually dies. It took almost losing the M for me to get that..
I was guilty of this for a long time, too. As was she. Neither had the coping skills or thought to learn what was happening or what to do. Until lthe bomb dropped on me. Ironically, after all is said and done, I will owe my W gratitude as she at least DID SOMETHING (the bomb; NOT the A)to break the stalemate and get me on the road to recovery. It'll be too bad if we lose the M in the process.
I've posted something I read somewhere and it's close to what you say about the plant.
"Marriage is like farming. You start again every day."
Yes, we too were both guilty of not nourishing our M. I also give my H credit for doing something, even though he did it in a hurtful way and definitely could have handled that better. I've forgiven him because we were in a bad place. I "set him free" and accepted responsibility because the alternative (arguing, crying) did nothing. Then I became the person he originally wanted - which is who I really am.
Plants - farming. Maybe the key is to treat the M as a living thing and remember it does need nourishment and weeding everyday.
Sorry about the A. I do have a friend who's M survived one, but I have no idea how common that is.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
I've forgiven him because we were in a bad place. I "set him free" and accepted responsibility because the alternative (arguing, crying) did nothing. Then I became the person he originally wanted - which is who I really am.
And this is the journey I am on right now.
I feel better and closer to the gol every day. Three forward and one back.
"the grass is always greener ... where you water it"
Someone here had this as their tag-line.
"The grass is always greener when you don't p on it."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This OM was the guy she was supposed to marry and he did abandon her without any reason. Has haunted her for years.
And she is still attracted to him. Hmmmm?!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
