Well I think one thing is for sure that whatever drives them to go this way MUST be really strong. i know in my case and quite a few others i have read that they exchange a comfortable life with someone who wants to be with them for a very uncertain future.
One thing we cant dispute is the strength of their feelings. Again no real point in trying to understand what drove them away only what can attract them back
My feelings go back and forth to wanting to fight to accepting letting go. It's the uncertainty of letting go that makes it difficult.
I don't know if I will ever know about the demons my W is fighting. But it's clear that she is. People ask me if she thinks about her wedding vows? Her family? Her children? I can only say, "What would you say?" She's not. She is trying to escape. She needs to find happiness.
I truly hope she finds it, and I also hope that she rediscovers something in me or our family that makes her think and act differently. I feel my W is so "out there" and confused and depressed, and I know I can't save her as much as I wish I could. She reads Vampire Diaries, Twilight series, and watches it every single time it comes on cable. I mean, she has gone so dark. Nothing inspirational or positive seems to affect her in any way.
We've spent our first weekend post-letting go. W is friendlier, more easy going, etc. But what do I do? Withdraw?
I feel like I have said all the right things, but I am still living in "hope." I am still there all the time for her and the kids. She tells me that we are invited to her parents' house and I go. She tells me today that we were invited to her sister's house for a pizza dinner and I accept.
Do I go and try as someone said be the most powerful magnet that I can be to combat her depression? Or do I back off and show her that when I said I am letting go, I REALLY AM letting go and start distancing myself from her.
Next week we are going away for the day to take our kids to an amusement part two states away. We took our boys to a carousel this weekend and had a great time.
When I took my kids on our regular Sat. morning walk through town I invited my W to shower and then come catch up with us. She said, "We'll see." She texted me later and asked where we were. I said, "We are X, why don't you come down and meet us at the fountains?" She said OK and came and we all continued our walk together as a family.
I still LOVE being with my W and doing things as a family. It's hard to pull myself away from that. But I am thinking about whether or not that is helping me or just making me look like a pushover so that she can still call all the shots.
I wouldn't change any family activities. One, it's very attractive to see a H spending quality time with the family. Two, time with the kids may become even more precious in the future. Keep inviting her, don't try and persuade her to come, just a simple, friendly invite. And accept hers too.
However, you can still let go of the rope with her.
My W is slowly slipping back into her non-communicative mode again. I try to joke with her more often and keep conversation flowing, and she usually goes along with it, but I am noticing a little more withdrawl on her part today.
I asked my bro-in-law today why he keeps inviting us over to his house and the fact that my W keeps inviting me to come along. His rationale is that she wants me to be with the kids, and not necessarily her. He is probably correct.
I have been told so many times that seeing a father play with his kids in a carefree and loving way is incredibly attractive. I have been doing that for sooooo long. And the funnier thing is that I have also played with my twin niece girls (2 years old) the same way and the girls are now all over me when I see them. They follow me around and look to play with me. I love it. I play with all 4 kids and my W and her sister hang out in another room and don't really watch me too much. But my sister-in-law always comments at how much her girls love seeing me.
The point is, I have tried this tactic for so long that I am like the ringleader for all the kids. My W still stands on the sidelines, seemingly unaffected.
How do I let go of the rope and still keep things happening in a positive way? How do I keep hope alive (sorry, Jesse!) and still drop the rope?
Do the things with your kids and nieces without any expectation of affection or understanding from your wife. Do it because you love them, and because they love and respect you.
Let your wife live on the sidelines. Players are in the game...
I do it because I love my kids to death. I look at them at night as they're going to sleep and no matter what has been going on or what has been spoken by me and my W, I look at them and tell them how much I love them and that daddy isn't going anywhere. Sometimes I feel like they will have to drag me kicking and screaming away from my kids. I love them that much.
She is on the sidelines most of the time. She watches me loving every moment with my kids and she hangs out and pretends nothing is going on. Or she'll come in and say, "OK, who needs a diaper change!?" and blow up our fun. Or she'll look at the clock and start fretting over their schedule....
Things are back to where they've always been. She can't talk about things. She is afraid of upheaval and the fact that she'd have to share custody of the kids. I want to share this email my sister sent me just to give some perspective on how families deal with marriages in crisis. I know it's personal, but any feedback would be appreciated. EMAIL TO ME BELOW: --------------------------------------------------------------
Dear G***,
I appreciate the apologies for neglecting your family. I admit I was upset that you didn't acknowledge your goddaughter's birthday, but you've got bigger fish to fry right now.
I understand you're going through the hardest time of your life, but you know I'm a straight shooter and at the risk of sounding completely cold-hearted, I've got to let you know how I feel. Just know that I'm your sister, I love you, and I will always be there for you. I've been keeping posted on your progress through mom, and every time I hear what's going on, I rant and rave and get so frustrated. If I called you, I'd be yelling at you and I know you'd tune out.
I know you're seeing a therapist and she is helping you through this emotional turmoil, but I think when you're "in it" you're blinded by what you want to see versus what's really going on, and enough is enough! Her job is to listen to you while you figure things out for yourself. I can't sit quiet on the sidelines and watch this train wreck any longer.
I get everything you said in your email, but I cringe when you write things like, "I can't live this way for MUCH longer" or the wait is ALMOST over" What's it gonna take for you to realize you don't deserve this no matter how irresponsibly you behaved in your marriage???? Will you finally get angry when she finds a boyfriend and you babysit the boys while she goes out on a date????? (oh, wait...didn't you do that already the other night?)
I'm sorry to say that you're only intact as a family because you haven't moved out. The car is not running out of gas, it's on dead E and you are trying to push it while the emergency brake is engaged! It is abundantly clear to everyone but you that Dani is wrapped up in Dani. Her big dilemma is that she can't handle the idea that you would have the boys without her hovering or texting you to get them back home to her. Or, god forbid, that they form any sort of meaningful relationship with your horrible, irresponsible family. Believe it, Glen. She does not want you to take them away from her, ever. But know this: As their father, you have the same rights to them that she does. She's just going to have to deal with it.
You say, "following our last session with a therapist she hasn't said one word about anything we discussed." Well, HAVE YOU?????? Why do you pussyfoot around and allow her to treat you like a doormat?? Screw not making her upset and having her feel backed into a corner. She started this mess and she needs to face up to it. Why do you care if she's afraid of upheaval?? PLEASE, STOP being so afraid to start up a conversation about what's going on. If she freaks out and tells you to leave, simply state that you're not leaving your sons.
I'm afraid the truth is Dani never took her marriage vows seriously. "For better or worse, through good times and bad" meant absolutely nothing to her. Unfortunately, sometimes people get screwed by the person they marry, and I'm afraid you are one of those people. She's got her children, you weren't behaving the way she expected you to, so she's throwing you away. I'd have a hell of a lot more respect for her if she opened her mouth when she realized she was so unhappy, and asked to work on things together. Instead, she opted to finally blow up after harboring bad feelings for years and then declared that she wants out. Very mature.
HER ONLY DEEP CONFLICT IS THAT SHE WANTS YOU TO GO AWAY, BUT SHE KNOWS IF YOU GO, SHE MUST LET THE BOYS VISIT YOU WITHOUT HER, AND SHE CAN'T HANDLE THAT FACT. PERIOD.
I realize that you are in a precarious situation since you have become completely enmeshed in her family. But do yourself a giant favor and start detaching yourself from them. I hope to God that you are not fooling yourself by believing that any one of them has your back. They can cry and wring their hands as much as they want to. You are a fly in the ointment, and they're just waiting for you to go away and for Dani to bring home a new jar.
Start thinking of another way to make a living. Take some civil service tests and see what kind of jobs there are out there where you don't need a college degree. Or do some freelance writing for some publications and see where that leads you. I know it's daunting, but you cannot go on living like you have been, and the time to stop is NOW!!!!
STOP, STOP, STOP accompanying her to family functions or even to visit with her folks or Fran. She can take the boys there herself or drag her mormon surrogate with her.
START bringing the boys down to LI, regularly, to meet their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Make a plan with us, confirm it with your "wife" and stick to it. If she decides to flip out, or tries to preempt it with some Bonavita function, STAND UP TO HER, put them in the car and drive away.
Listen, Glen. You deserve way better. You have two beautiful sons who identify with their father, so the most important thing you can do for yourself and them is to keep that bond growing stronger. Don't make the mistake of letting them lose respect for you because you're not standing up for yourself and allowing their mother to call all the shots. I know they are too young to understand it, but trust me, they feel and sense it on some level.
I know this is the hardest part, but try to start realizing your marriage is over. Start mourning the loss. Work with your therapist to discover why your self-esteem is so low, and PLEASE, set up a consultation with someone who can advise you on your custodial rights and financial rights and obligations and start the ball rolling.
FACT: People have no respect for people who do not respect themselves. Start taking steps to gain back your self-respect before you have none left and you end up being the next Mrs. Doubtfire.
This note may piss you off and I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but I only tried to express it because I care about you.
MY W called me today to very kindly let me know that she contacted a family mediator. She asked me to check out their web site and see if it was something I was OK with and set up an appointment.
What do I do? I have been a pushover for 6 months and it feels like she is just expecting me to go happily along with this. Do I fight it? Plead? Tell her that I will fight for custody of the kids? We need to talk about my demands. How does she see out life post-divorce? The children? Custody? She thinks I will be coming and going on a daily basis and making the transition as easy on her and the kids as possible.
I don't know. Do I want things to work out? Yes. I just don't know if I start pushing back or do I go along and be relatively agreeable as long as I am satisfied. How do I stop this?
I want to say, "So, you really want to destroy this family?" And I want to tell her how detrimental her therapist has been to her state of mind and her outlook on her family. I want to kick down the wall and tell her that this will NOT be what you think it will be. The first step is important....
